I just spent a week back at home. I was checking my house out with all of my mum's furniture in it, with the new tiles, and the intention of trying to make some cosmetic improvements to the place. I quickly became overwhelmed by the task and achieved nothing. It will need to be a work-in-progress while I save money to pay someone else to do the work.
Prior to that, I'd spent a good month wallowing in my own self-pity and wracked with regret. I really only started coming out of it maybe two weeks ago. I'd shut myself off from the ex-girl and stopped trying to connect with her and make her remember, convince her, that she loved me. And at the same time it allowed me not to think about her as frequently as I have been.
I've been on Tinder this entire time. It's been nice just for my own self-esteem. At first, I was in it to try and forget her with someone else. But then, during the worst period, it was there so that I could feel better about myself when someone matched with me. I had no intention in trying to make contact with any girl. I was not ready to feel anything. I didn't want to put in all the effort of making a girl like me. And if I did I'd have nothing to give them. I just wanted to know that, on face value at least, someone thought I was OK too.
I matched with one girl in particular during this time and I kept going back to her, but then staring at the contact screen knowing that if I spoke to her, I wouldn't be able to let myself be myself, or allow her to get to know me. For some reason I just thought that this one looked much better above all else. So I just let it go.
After about two weeks, I said:
"So, we matched about two weeks ago. This whole time I have been trying to come up with something witty and original to say. In the end, I have arrived at this: hey."
We have been getting along really well. I was talking to her for a few days, trying not to blow it. Last Friday night I went out with some friends from work, and one such friend decided he would try to wing-man me on Tinder. I was horrified that I'd ruin this prematurely. To my surprise, she still spoke to me the next day.
Unfortunately, the next day I left for Queensland. Some bad timing. So for most of last week we were talking pretty much all day, and were at phone number level and texting back and forth all day, sending snapchats and the like. We had both confessed that we each though the other was pretty excellent and that once I got home, we would meet up, probably the following weekend. Then I kind of lost her for a few days.
She is from Adelaide and only moved here at the beginning of the year. A whole bunch of her friends came to visit on the Melbourne leg of their band's tour. I obviously didn't want to be taking time out of her friend time having to put up with me. So contact for the next few days was a bit sparse. We did talk on the phone one night for an hour at about 1am though. That was really nice. And we agreed another week was too long.
After my flight had been delayed and after 4 hours sleep, not 6 hours after being home, we met for coffee yesterday morning. She had been up literally the entire night and had had about only an hour of sleep. I was there early, and just as well, as the weather has been horrendous and all seating inside was taken. I waited in line for a table for 20 minutes before she arrived.
I saw her come in, squinting to find me. She wears glasses, however, had taken her contacts out to sleep and apparently they need to be out for a certain amount of time before they can be put back in. I greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. I felt self-conscious because, due to a combination of being utterly sick of having a gross mop of patchy facial hair, and her dislike for beards, shaving it all off was literally the first thing I did when I got home in the wee hours of the morning. I hadn't seen that part of my face for a month and feel like, in general, I may have looked better with it.
In spite of this, I thought we were getting along reasonably well. Nothing seemed forced. I feel like we have a lot in common. And she is much more age appropriate for me, so we are at similar places in our lives.
She dropped me home afterwards, and the date ended with an awkward hug from the passenger seat to the driver's seat.
From here onwards I'm a little unsure about the whole thing. It's only been a day and a half since the awkward hug. Maybe I need to just stop being a crazy person. Her friends left this morning, so again, as not to crowd her with my own want for attention, simply sent her a goodnight message before I went to bed. Today, I played it similarly and didn't make contact until tonight, thinking she may just reply when she had finished work (whatever time that was). She responded pretty much straight away. But I still feel like.. I guess I had this expectation that if the meeting went well, she would be more interested in talking to me and allowing conversation to move towards catching up again.
I'm texting with her now. Sort of. But it just seems off. Providing the conversation hasn't already ended and I fall asleep (although my asshole housemates are moving out tomorrow and see it fit to pack their shit up outside my bedroom door right now, so maybe I'll be awake a while longer yet), I need to outright ask to see her again. At least then she will have the opportunity to say "I don't think so" and I will be able to just let go of the anxiety I'm feeling. I'd rather know, than not know, and make up my own scenarios.
Because that's what I'm best at. Over-thinking, over-analyzing.