It's been two weeks since I last wrote.
I'm not sure whether it's because nothing important has happened, or if nothing seems important to me at the moment.
On one hand, I've been deep in the depths of organizing house-buying. It's stressful and expensive, and hard to do in between work. Because these are things that need to be done during the day, on weekdays.
On the same hand, I've been really busy at work. The week I got back from visiting home I had a presentation to one of the GM's which I worked myself up about. I thought I was presenting to a whole bunch of them. I'm the project lead in my workstream for a wider business initiative. All of the project leaders are General Managers and I'm literally the littlest person on the whole thing as a mere analyst. Yet my workstream is the furthermost advanced in terms of progress. So in the same week as having bought a house and trying to organize lawyers, building inspections, signing contracts, paying for a whole heap of random expensive shit, researching everything I need to have done to make sure I'm not missing out on things, conversing with real estate, lawyers, mortgage brokers, body corporate...... I had a presentation, a heap of work to catch up on, and I wasn't coping well.
The day of the presentation I was stressing out hard and when I got there, it was really informal, and not that bad at all. And once it was over I had to take a little while to just calm myself down. And from then on I was fine. And since then I've been getting many kudos from my bosses for my progress and my project work. Hopefully that comes with a fat payrise in September come salary review time.
However, everyone is under pressure to hit end of financial year budgets, and everyone is putting in extra work and taking on different jobs. Which has meant much of my project work is getting pushed aside. Which is disappointing because I still have to answer the questions on why I'm not hitting targets, even though everyone is focused on money money money. Ugh.
Work, huh. Jobs. Employment and the like.
In between all that I pretty much just come home and spend a good hour every day re-cleaning the fucking bullshit mess my house is in every day. I can't say anything. I know I SHOULD say things but I just can't. Fucking assholes. I actually spent hours cleaning on the weekend because we have an inspection on Wednesday, and made a point to mention it to the two of them and that we needed the place to remain clean. Then within literally 10 minutes of girl housemate getting home, she spilled chocolate milk all over the bench/down the drawers, on the floor, in multiple places. Do you think she cleaned it up? Then she left for Sydney for a week yesterday. And left dirty dishes in the sink. After I'd already cleaned her other shit up prior to that. I feel like I have sworn a lot more in the past 6 weeks than I have in my entire life.
The other hand
All of my thoughts seem to be consumed by the ex-girl. I've mentioned how I understand what she has needed to do, but it's not something I ever wanted. It was for the best - for her - but not for me, and not for us. I miss everything about everything. We are definitely amiable towards each other in text message form, which is an occurrence that happens far less than I would like. And because of this I fill my head with what she's doing when she's not replying straight away. They aren't good thoughts. When we stopped being social media friends she said she wanted to distance herself and give herself a break from seeing what's going on with me. And that's my glass half-full answer to this. The glass half-empty has a lot of dicks in it.
I know what I'm supposed to do and all of that. I know I'm supposed to move on with my life. I've tried that. I do try doing that. And I know I'm supposed to work on myself and in making myself happy on my own. But I'm still in a mourning stage. I don't know how long the mourning stage is supposed to go for. When someone you love dies, when do you stop missing them? The answer is "probably never". When someone you love stops being a constant part of your life, is it then not fair to say that you might never stop missing them?
I want to marry her. Maybe this is a knee-jerk reaction and a classic "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" scenario. But we did talk about it. My opinion has always been though that I wanted to be in a good career and financial position before I could make a commitment to supporting a "family". I have debts, actually WE have debts because her name is still on stuff, and we live in one of the most expensive cities in Australia (possibly the world). I wanted to get back on level ground before I could take on the responsibility of making an official home and a life for two or more. I wanted to provide for us. I wanted to buy the right ring when I could afford it, have the kind of wedding she would dream of, and buy us our dream home. I'm an idiot though. I could have proposed. You don't have to get married straight away. I'm an idiot. A huge idiot.
And how is your house stuff going? Just because I'm not around anymore doesn't mean I don't think about it.
These kinds of texts don't do anything to stop me thinking about her. Little glimmers of hope don't do anything to help.
It was her birthday two weeks ago, and because I was at home and I was busy and with friends I didn't even think about it. I was having breakfast with a friend of mine when she asked about the ex-girl and I had a realization that it was her birthday. I sent her a text message later on in the day. But I didn't initiate any further conversation. But because she's been on my mind so much I sent her a voucher for a massage - two weeks late. She was very appreciative. And again, I got a glimmer of hope.
I'm going to do something stupid tomorrow night and I'm going to ask her out to catch up on the weekend.
Even if she does agree, there's going to be a very high likelihood that the scene will play out like the one in 500 Days of Summer where Tom is invited to a party at Summer's apartment, and the expectations vs. reality split-screen happens. He thinks/I think some kind of reconciliation will happen. In reality for Tom he sees Summer showing off her engagement ring after being left to his own devices all night. In my reality she will tell me she is happy without me, or worse, happy with someone else. But if I don't try, the expectations side of the screen will never have a chance to come true.
I have been listening to a lot of sad songs.
