I've had a bad day.
The things of occurrence today weren't bad. It started off as any other Saturday would. I did the work I needed to do, a task that thankfully takes all of about 5 minutes now vs. the 2 hours it would take every Saturday and every Sunday when I first developed it. Some GTA V and some lunch. I had plans tonight to hang out with a friend, so I thought I might go out in to this heatwave business early and have a look around at shops. My justification was that I would be losing bits and pieces when she moves out, but the reality is that I wanted to fill my heart with possessions instead. So I bought a bed.
The plans were to see The Wolf of Wall Street. So we went to see it at Crown and I watched my friend lose $150 at the blackjack table pretty quickly before we watched some football in a sports bar before the movie. 3 hours later we went our separate ways.
As I walked to Flinders Street Station along the Yarra I felt overwhelmingly sad and lonely. Watching all of the people doing things. Wishing I could go and be a part of it all. A part of anything.
When I got home she was sitting in the driveway. She's been doing that a lot lately and I always assumed it was to give space and distance, to talk on the phone even. But she was doing that and I wasn't even there. The poor cat cries like crazy when she can hear her but can't see her. And the other night I had the worst sleep and was so angry that she could be such a cold, callous, selfish asshole to let the cat cry and to cause me to not be able to sleep, the sleep I need for my brain to function, the brain that is paying all of her bills still. I got the cat and I brought her in to my bedroom. She wouldn't crawl it to bed, so I just laid on the side of the bed with my hand on her to reassure her.
She came inside to have a shower while I lay on the lounge room floor and watched TV for a little while, only for her to go back outside straight afterwards. I've come to bed now without having seen her or saying goodnight.
I keep making random casual contact with people to try and connect but it isn't being reciprocated and I feel very alone.
