i_am_ghost

I just posted this on myspace, and some of the references about the target audience are myspace specific, but I decided I wanted to put it up here too.
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So basically I'm in a bit of a situation that I can't get a positive outcome for myself from. And I'm usually reluctant to blog this on myspace and not just on SG since, well, everyone I ever write about is either a friend on here or knows who I'm talking about. So I get in trouble. And I don't need more trouble.

There's a bunch of stuff going on. Need to keep on top of uni. Not getting enough hours at work to pay my bills since we got a new manager. Got a wisdom tooth coming through that's giving me grief. And the bigger things of the messiness of my parents' divorce getting worse and I don't know who's side to believe, and my uncle passing away on Saturday. So I have a funeral to attend and a shift to swap on Wednesday.

But I guess most of all, you guessed it, if I have a problem it's entirely because I'm pining over a girl. I always am. You all know me as the emo one. But before the fringe and the eye-liner, before there was ever a fad and a disdain for all people with rings in their lips and skinny jeans, I was still emotional Matt. I don't take my feelings lightly. I always go in with everything, otherwise I don't feel like it's worth my effort at all.

Its these things that occupy almost the entirety of my thoughts. Don't believe me? Read my past blogs! It's always someone.

Being nearly 1am and having what was supposed to be a talk with said girl tonight which was to "fix" our situation, I'm at the point where everyone I could talk to about this or to take my mind off this, has gone to bed. You're all gaybos.

I was nervous about it all day, even though I suggested we do it. I'd thought about it, and I'd made dot points so I wouldn't forget anything I needed to say or discount any valid feelings I had to make apparent. I had the same stomach pains I'd had a week ago after I had the bombshell of finding out that all hope with her was lost because I knew that no matter what I said, realistically, I wasn't going to get what I wanted out of this.

The easy thing to do was what I'd initially done - go cold turkey. Don't see her, don't talk to her, don't "fix" anything. I don't work like that. If I have feelings for you - then they're strong - and you're gonna know it. And I've never been one to just let go of these on a whim, or from knowing that they weren't going to be reciprocated. Beyond being the object of my affection, she's still someone I spoke to daily, and someone I have a relationship with that is unlike that of anything else I have with anyone.

But you know, I don't *need* to keep any more friends. I'm pretty blessed with the amount of friends I have and how very good to me they are. I found this out on Saturday night from some unexpected sources. I could just as easily say "fuck it" to it all. I have always gotten the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" line, and I've always gone along with it because I'm a pussaliah (thankyou South Park for that one). Could I be the asshole and discount a wonderful friendship just because she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do her?

Probably.

But not with this one.

In the end.. She's far too important to me. You know who you are, as does everyone else who's reading this. Even if you get even madder at me for this, I have to write it out or I'll burst. I don't want to be one of those people who holds everything in and explodes when everything gets too much, or one of those people who resorts to other avenues to expunge bad feelings from their system. My feelings are valid, and I own them.

So to round this off, I wrote a song probably a day or two after I first started feeling this way. It is as yet devoid of music or melody, though I have ideas in my head - I just happen to be without the musical talent to play the orchestra of instrumentation to fill this out as a finished musical piece. However, I think there are some cool lines in it at the very least. I apologise to you for the airing of our laundry, and for the continued relenting about this subject. And for the words that follow.

It's just how I feel sometimes.
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When you used to lay there
Making my pillows smell like you
Feeling my heart beat faster on your arm
Don't go home yet, let's not even move

You'd look up in to my eyes
And I'd just want to kiss you back
Like that's all it would take to keep you here
You in colour, me in black

Never mine
You don't owe me anything so don't worry about it
Never mind
You'll be better off with out my shit

no, I don't want to play
The only thing I want to do is sit or lay
Saps up too much energy any other way
For a long time this is how I'll stay

clutching pillows close
tucked under covers safe and warm away from it all
You may think it's morose
but it's been brewing, i've been falling, i will fall

Never mine
You don't owe me anything so don't worry about it
Never mind
You'll be better off with out my shit

Keeping my eyes down
and my body close together so i can't feel the pains in my stomache
keeping my eyes shut
keeping my body close to try and slow down my heartbeat
do i bring you down?
i don't do this to affect the way you're feeling
rather shut you out
stay at home, eyes on my phone, eyes on the ceiling

Never mine
You don't owe me anything so don't worry about it
Never mind
You'll be better off with out my shit
Don't mind me
We can't make this OK overnight
I don't see
How anything's going to be alright.