Oh man! Today was not as good as I'd hoped it to be.
The bass player try-out didn't turn out that well. Clint would fit in with us perfectly. He's a cool guy, similar tastes in music, it's just that he has 3 jobs, university and sport, and as if he could even fit music in, when he was available is very unlikely to be the times where we're available. Apart from that, it's almost a step back going with Clint too. Okay, so it was his first practice and he hadn't heard the songs before. But he's a fair bit behind us in terms of music theory, and even as far as being able to take the information in. Perhaps I'm being a bit hard on him with that part. What it comes down to though is simply that we'll never have the same time off available to practice.
Work had been calling me all day because Simon called in sick for tonight, and I was the only other closer not on. So I got the call at 9am and said that no, I couldn't come in, I had put in for this night off weeks ago, and I just had too many more important things on. They called again at.. oh about 11:30, and I said the same thing. I had to go in after music to pick up my roster because I needed to find out when we could next practice depending on my roster, and my manager had had to come in because they couldn't find anyone else to cover the shift, and even though Nathan was also sick, they had to tell him to suck it up and come in because there was no way they could do without him.
The engagement party was pretty shitty. I'm already an outsider in my own family. My brother's and I sat at a table by ourselves at the back whilst everyone else carried on with their usual embarrasing drunken family antics. All dressed in black at the back of the party.. With the occasional aunt coming to see how we are. And messing my hair up. Not happy about that one. But the place it was at! Oh goodness. As my uncle is the manager, and the bride to be is an employee there, it was held in the function room of the Cowboys club. There's not one part of me that fits in at that place. All the men are drunk wankers and all the women are scrags. Everyone is a clone of everyone else there. And to see the likes of Michael, Daniel and myself...
I drove to Rebecca's, hating the drive. I've always hated the drive, and coming from a different direction didn't make me hate it any less. It's so far out of the way, but apart from that, you've either got to go over the express way and go fast (in the wet mind you), which I do not like (70km per hour is my pet speed), or go out rapesville in the dark from the city. One wrong turn and I would've been headed to either Ayr or Charters Towers.
There was an obvious tension between the two of us. I already knew what would happen tonight, and after being there for an hour and getting the chance to actually speak to her (after a long long talk with Jade mind you. Good talk. Don't get to do it often. There is always someone else there that serves as a distraction, but as I knew only her, Rebecca and perhaps 2 other people, tonight was a good night for it. Okay, super long segue here - back to the story) she wasn't happy that I'd made the decision not to drink.
I knew why. It would've made it easier for her to talk to me. She dragged me out the front, thinking we would have some space and silence to ourselves. No such luck! Quite a lot of the party is either sitting on a car, or running around on the road. We walked down a bit, but had every party leaver wishing Rebecca a happy birthday and a farewell. Interuptions were plentiful.
She then proceeded to have the hardest time to tell me that she's sorry for being a bitch to me for so long now, in relation to the fact that for a good 8 months has been spent tiptoeing around who wants what from the other, and there being a want of more from either side, but never at the same time. She said, not in as many words, because of how hard it was for her to say, that she really does like me. And I know how hard it was for her to not only say it, but to even feel it and admit to herself, let alone me, that she felt that way. She's never had an actual relationship because she doesn't want to give that much of herself to someone for the possibility of being hurt.
That's why I feel so fucking crap right now. Seriously, if she'd said this two weeks ago, things would be different right now. I really really like George. A lot. And I'm really hopeful that it'll lead to something good. I like the way that she says "we" instead of "you" or "I". My hopes are high. But currently my spirits aren't. Rebecca is great, and part of me always thought that we would've worked out spectacularly. She's just too much of a good friend to me though I think, and also quite a bit like Brittany, which, I think, has a lot to do with my reluctance, because I feel like I should steer away from this type of girl. Even though I fucking loved Brittany and wouldn't have stopped being with her had she not gotten married to someone else.
I feel bad for hurting one of my best friends. To the point where I had a little bit of a cry on the way home. Things have changed. With that admittance, things are going to be weird. Not 20 minutes later, this total fuckhead Wade was with her in the room the stereo was in and someone yelled out that Wade was hitting on Rebecca. Straight away I had feelings of.. If you do anything then what you just said to me obviously meant nothing, and feelings of you can do so much better than him.
I hope for her sake that it's someone better than me too. Because I wish I didn't have to hurt her.
The bass player try-out didn't turn out that well. Clint would fit in with us perfectly. He's a cool guy, similar tastes in music, it's just that he has 3 jobs, university and sport, and as if he could even fit music in, when he was available is very unlikely to be the times where we're available. Apart from that, it's almost a step back going with Clint too. Okay, so it was his first practice and he hadn't heard the songs before. But he's a fair bit behind us in terms of music theory, and even as far as being able to take the information in. Perhaps I'm being a bit hard on him with that part. What it comes down to though is simply that we'll never have the same time off available to practice.
Work had been calling me all day because Simon called in sick for tonight, and I was the only other closer not on. So I got the call at 9am and said that no, I couldn't come in, I had put in for this night off weeks ago, and I just had too many more important things on. They called again at.. oh about 11:30, and I said the same thing. I had to go in after music to pick up my roster because I needed to find out when we could next practice depending on my roster, and my manager had had to come in because they couldn't find anyone else to cover the shift, and even though Nathan was also sick, they had to tell him to suck it up and come in because there was no way they could do without him.
The engagement party was pretty shitty. I'm already an outsider in my own family. My brother's and I sat at a table by ourselves at the back whilst everyone else carried on with their usual embarrasing drunken family antics. All dressed in black at the back of the party.. With the occasional aunt coming to see how we are. And messing my hair up. Not happy about that one. But the place it was at! Oh goodness. As my uncle is the manager, and the bride to be is an employee there, it was held in the function room of the Cowboys club. There's not one part of me that fits in at that place. All the men are drunk wankers and all the women are scrags. Everyone is a clone of everyone else there. And to see the likes of Michael, Daniel and myself...
I drove to Rebecca's, hating the drive. I've always hated the drive, and coming from a different direction didn't make me hate it any less. It's so far out of the way, but apart from that, you've either got to go over the express way and go fast (in the wet mind you), which I do not like (70km per hour is my pet speed), or go out rapesville in the dark from the city. One wrong turn and I would've been headed to either Ayr or Charters Towers.
There was an obvious tension between the two of us. I already knew what would happen tonight, and after being there for an hour and getting the chance to actually speak to her (after a long long talk with Jade mind you. Good talk. Don't get to do it often. There is always someone else there that serves as a distraction, but as I knew only her, Rebecca and perhaps 2 other people, tonight was a good night for it. Okay, super long segue here - back to the story) she wasn't happy that I'd made the decision not to drink.
I knew why. It would've made it easier for her to talk to me. She dragged me out the front, thinking we would have some space and silence to ourselves. No such luck! Quite a lot of the party is either sitting on a car, or running around on the road. We walked down a bit, but had every party leaver wishing Rebecca a happy birthday and a farewell. Interuptions were plentiful.
She then proceeded to have the hardest time to tell me that she's sorry for being a bitch to me for so long now, in relation to the fact that for a good 8 months has been spent tiptoeing around who wants what from the other, and there being a want of more from either side, but never at the same time. She said, not in as many words, because of how hard it was for her to say, that she really does like me. And I know how hard it was for her to not only say it, but to even feel it and admit to herself, let alone me, that she felt that way. She's never had an actual relationship because she doesn't want to give that much of herself to someone for the possibility of being hurt.
That's why I feel so fucking crap right now. Seriously, if she'd said this two weeks ago, things would be different right now. I really really like George. A lot. And I'm really hopeful that it'll lead to something good. I like the way that she says "we" instead of "you" or "I". My hopes are high. But currently my spirits aren't. Rebecca is great, and part of me always thought that we would've worked out spectacularly. She's just too much of a good friend to me though I think, and also quite a bit like Brittany, which, I think, has a lot to do with my reluctance, because I feel like I should steer away from this type of girl. Even though I fucking loved Brittany and wouldn't have stopped being with her had she not gotten married to someone else.
I feel bad for hurting one of my best friends. To the point where I had a little bit of a cry on the way home. Things have changed. With that admittance, things are going to be weird. Not 20 minutes later, this total fuckhead Wade was with her in the room the stereo was in and someone yelled out that Wade was hitting on Rebecca. Straight away I had feelings of.. If you do anything then what you just said to me obviously meant nothing, and feelings of you can do so much better than him.
I hope for her sake that it's someone better than me too. Because I wish I didn't have to hurt her.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
neisha:
*hugs*
cleverthings:
Meow back. And yeah, you get hugs too. 