i_am_ghost

stream of conciousness. i wish i had late night friends. i sit here while the country sleeps. the country has jobs to go to tomorrow, errands to run, things to do, people to see, places to go. i have many potential small things to do, most of which require some money, which i do not have. if i was like the rest of the country, and was smart enough to have myself a full-time job, i could fill my time with distraction from thoughts that i don't want to think. i'm a little torn on the matter. a full-time job doing something i don't enjoy, for the sake of having money, settling. or doing something that is close to what i want, for a small amount of money, a small amount of hours. though i've been considering settling quite a lot lately. maybe i'm not better than i always thought i was. maybe i don't deserve the things i dreamed of. i could do all of the easy things the easy way. follow the status quo. mediocrity could become fulfilling over time. initially i'd be pretending to be happy. could i fool myself into feeling that way about everything all of the time? am i strong enough to make that choice? am i strong enough to make that work? am i strong enough to fight on with my convictions and my morality and my dreams? i'm sick of making the decisions. i don't want to be the leader anymore. follow someone else. i'm just living this lackluster jaded day to day life. who says i have to fall in love with her or you or it straight away? things could grow on me, right? i aspire to make a change. i make plans to do things. i go to sleep and wake up and give up. what does tomorrow hold... what SHOULD tomorrow hold?