Well. It's Monday.
Yeah.
Ok, tell me the truth...do I seem standoffish? I mean, I've sort of embraced this whole outsider persona. I relate more to anti-heroes than heroes, I like the underdogs, George was my favorite Beatle, etc., etc.
At this late stage in my life (I'm a late bloomer) I'm trying to improve how I come across to people, but I tend to wonder if I seem....snobby or closed off.
I've been asked more than once in the past 6 months if I was upset about something, when I was in a good mood. It's like I immediately go all stoic because that's what I'm used to.
I tend to be poker faced, never letting people know what I'm thinking or feeling, because that was my defense back in the day. I wanted people to leave me alone, then....now I don't.
It's annoying to be almost 40 and have no social skills to speak of. It seems easy for other people to relate to each other. Years and years of closing myself off to protect my self-esteem have taken their toll.
It also doesn't help that a very unhealthy friendship ended only 3 months ago. Boundaries were crossed, trust was broken. I felt I was loyal and bent over backwards to remain friends, only to be tossed aside.
I'm a big believer in honor and loyalty and giri*, and the Japanese concept of a "blood oath." When you have been through hell and back with a friend, when you have been there for them, to simply take a shit all over that friendship is not only wrong, it is a violation of the spirit. The person who shows no loyalty will never find peace.
But I struggle with the concept of friendship. Who do I trust implicitly? Can I? Who do I keep at arm's length? And let's be realistic...not everyone is going to like me.
This is too much navel-gazing for a Monday.
*"giri" is one of those Japanese words for which there is no simple English translation. It refers to an innate sense of duty, obligation, morality and the absolute need to return a favor. Everyone is bound by giri - giri toward ones parents (filial piety) and giri toward ones teachers and benefactors. giri is also expressed at the societal level by meeting ones obligations and responsibilities as best as possible. Meeting the demands of giri are synonymous with defending one's personal honor even under the most adverse circumstances. giri is taken so seriously that sometimes Japanese people have been known to commit suicide in an attempt to satisfy it. giri is a powerful force in Japanese society which promotes order, discipline and a general sense of societal well-being. The American anthropologist, Ruth Benedict in her book, "The Chrysanthemum and the Sword" explains that the reason why the Japanese are so bound by giri is, "if they do not, they would be regarded as 'ignorant of giri' and be put to shame in front of others."
Update: I put in my two weeks notice tonight. Had to be done.
Yeah.
Ok, tell me the truth...do I seem standoffish? I mean, I've sort of embraced this whole outsider persona. I relate more to anti-heroes than heroes, I like the underdogs, George was my favorite Beatle, etc., etc.
At this late stage in my life (I'm a late bloomer) I'm trying to improve how I come across to people, but I tend to wonder if I seem....snobby or closed off.
I've been asked more than once in the past 6 months if I was upset about something, when I was in a good mood. It's like I immediately go all stoic because that's what I'm used to.
I tend to be poker faced, never letting people know what I'm thinking or feeling, because that was my defense back in the day. I wanted people to leave me alone, then....now I don't.
It's annoying to be almost 40 and have no social skills to speak of. It seems easy for other people to relate to each other. Years and years of closing myself off to protect my self-esteem have taken their toll.
It also doesn't help that a very unhealthy friendship ended only 3 months ago. Boundaries were crossed, trust was broken. I felt I was loyal and bent over backwards to remain friends, only to be tossed aside.
I'm a big believer in honor and loyalty and giri*, and the Japanese concept of a "blood oath." When you have been through hell and back with a friend, when you have been there for them, to simply take a shit all over that friendship is not only wrong, it is a violation of the spirit. The person who shows no loyalty will never find peace.
But I struggle with the concept of friendship. Who do I trust implicitly? Can I? Who do I keep at arm's length? And let's be realistic...not everyone is going to like me.
This is too much navel-gazing for a Monday.
*"giri" is one of those Japanese words for which there is no simple English translation. It refers to an innate sense of duty, obligation, morality and the absolute need to return a favor. Everyone is bound by giri - giri toward ones parents (filial piety) and giri toward ones teachers and benefactors. giri is also expressed at the societal level by meeting ones obligations and responsibilities as best as possible. Meeting the demands of giri are synonymous with defending one's personal honor even under the most adverse circumstances. giri is taken so seriously that sometimes Japanese people have been known to commit suicide in an attempt to satisfy it. giri is a powerful force in Japanese society which promotes order, discipline and a general sense of societal well-being. The American anthropologist, Ruth Benedict in her book, "The Chrysanthemum and the Sword" explains that the reason why the Japanese are so bound by giri is, "if they do not, they would be regarded as 'ignorant of giri' and be put to shame in front of others."
Update: I put in my two weeks notice tonight. Had to be done.
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Yeah, I know the feeling, but not too much longer now ...