hyenahell

waiting for coffee. i just woke up, so i'm having some trouble putting what i'd like to say into form. seems every coherent thought i have is ridden with worries and distractions, so that i can't get at the point of the matter without wading through all this self-deafeating detritis my brain's so good at manufacturing. well, i'll try one more time to get it right...

i'll start with a thought, you see, and before i can even distill it, put it down as concrete and say, "this is what i think", i'll be attacked by these little thought pirates that are somehow hiding on the underside of what i want to say. and all the sudden before i can get to one thing, there's a thousand other related or unrelated things that cloud up my mind, that i have to sort through and evaluate and catalog before i can even put down a sentence. and i know it's cyclical. i know it's chemical. i know it's not necessarily me. but it's annoying not to be able to communicate. it's awful having to fight against yourself just to fucking exist.

{edited to remove about ten paragraphs of manic babbling}

hell, i've wasted too much time this morning trying to write out things that are better left unsaid. i've been sitting here for an hour. i've deleted and rewritten a virtual fucking novel ten times over.

moving on...

yesterday i was in a similar mood, full of anger directed towards myself, and the world in general, and some people specifically. mostly, though, i can't be angry at other people. i just turn it back on myself again, which is even worse. a man could walk up and stab me in the throat, for no reason, and as i lay there bleeding out, i'd be rationalizing how it was my fault for getting stabbed.

so anyway, instead of sitting around and letting it build up, i decided to get out. i went on a long bike ride. i rode faster than i normally do, until my legs started burning, and then rode faster. then i went to the park, and watched the birds. i saw turtles and a baby alligator. i saw a dog jump into the water to chase some ducks. that was my favorite part. i took some pictures, and smoked a bunch of cigarettes, then went to the coffee shop and read about Hieronymous Bosch. and i felt a lot better afterwards.

so i think i'm going to do that now. or something similar. just to get out and about and see if i can't get rid of all these things that are driving me nuts.

love.
-Hyena.


this is my new favorite picture of me- and i took it all by myself.

some pictures i took in the park