hyenahell

disclaimer: i'm afraid this is going to be another long one, folks. if you don't feel like reading through it all, recommend a book for me. i still haven't used the library card i got last month, not even once! i'm so bad. but i could use some new brain food.

last night i actually got out of the house for... *gasp* ... a social event.

that's right.

i went out for White Linen Night, which is basically a big fancy shmancy party in the arts district. there are a bunch of gallery openings and free wine and what have you. i did not wear white linen, however. it just doesn't suit me. and at the end of the night, when the torrential downpour came, i was laughing at all the folks who did. heh. seeing rich people's underwear is funny.

i did dress up, because i figured i would be running into a lot of people i know in the art scene (and i did- i saw every professor i've ever had, save one). this was not just for vanity's sake, mind you. most of these people have seen me all ratty and dirty anyway. it's not like they don't know me. but i thought it would best serve my interests of finding a job if i looked put-together, articulate, and pleasant. and i did. i was lovely. people were shocked.

and i didn't even mope, not even once, or stare at the ground, kicking my feet when mentioning that i've been unemployed for the past four months. no, i looked folks in the eye, and smiled. and if my current state of financial destitution came up, i expressed sincere optimism that the situation would soon improve. (not that i enjoy reeking of desperation, or ran up to everyone i knew screaming "i'm pooooor! give me a job! please! i'll work for pennies! pennies!". but it is quite a pressing matter that i find a job soon, and i don't think i should be ashamed to let people know that i'm looking.)

i brought my A-game, indeed. i was proud of my efforts.

and all this might not seem like a big deal. "So what, Hyena? You went out and chatted up some folk. I don't see why that warrants a high-five or anything." but for me, it is a big deal. recently it's been increasingly hard for me to be social. my self-esteem has really been down the crapper since i graduated last year. while i'm inclined to erratic highs and lows as it is, putting myself in a position where i can't make art and am not around art, considering that this is how i define myself as a person, has really done a number on the old ego. and i honestly prefer to not be around other people if i don't feel that i can be positive or enjoy myself. i just don't like to feel like i'm the wet blanket at the party, or that people feel put out or burdened by my persistant moping. so if i'm in a rotten mood, i'd just as soon not force it upon other people. and lately i'd say that i'm in a pretty constant state of feeling rotten.

just telling it like it is. but things are looking up. like i said, i did well last night. and i've been out and about actively seeking work lately, which was something i was too terrified and overwhelmed to do for the longest time. the neat part about all this proactive crap, you see, is that the more effort you put into doing the things you should be doing (or, in my case, should have been doing for some fucking time now) the better you feel about yourself. and the better you feel about yourself, the more proactive you are. and i need to feel better about myself. and i need to be proactive, and finally get off my ass and change the things i don't like about my life.

so it's baby steps, sure. but i really do feel like i'm making a good faith effort to turn my shit around. i've been trying mighty hard, lately. if i can just keep it up, and stay confident, i know that things will start going my way.

of course, what with the bipolar thing, i'm sure you'll hear from me tomorrow and i'll be desolate and doom-ridden once again. it's how the worm turns. but right now i feel optimistic, and that's a good fucking feeling.

sorry this was so long. thanks to everyone who's actually been reading all these lengthy entries i've been churning out this past week or so. i really appreciate all your support.

love y'all.
-Hyena.