Hello SG Love's,
Let me start off by saying that I apologize for not blogging or sharing as much this last couple of months, I have just been having a really rough time, and it may not seem like it, but I have actually been in a pretty dark place. I'm not going to share a bunch of epic pictures in this blog, in fact this picture pretty much sums up my life right now. I haven't done anything super fun besides meeting some really cool women from SG over the past year that are really awesome and just seem to get me. (A happy/shiny blog will be coming up soon in which I share my awesome and happy feels and the happy moments I have spent and will be spending soon with some awesome ladies to mention, and some REALLY COOL photographers for SG).
This blog will pretty much be dedicated to getting some shitty things off of my chest and hopefully getting back to my happy and shiny self. I have been pretty anxiety ridden this last few months. Besides being stuck in a place/relationship that I am completely miserable in, trying to find self-love/worth and discovery, all while trying to keep my head above water and maintain my fucking sanity. I have to say it's been pretty exhausting. I have never dreamt about running away more as a child than I do now. I do not mean to lay all my darkness out on the table, but I need to share all facets of myself, and unfortunately this is the reality right now.
I am looking to find my happiness again, and I think that freeing myself from this toxic, controlling, and unhealthy relationship I have been drowning in over the last 10+ years is the first step. I know that it will take time to end something that has lasted for over a decade, but my question is, what is the first step to ending something that seems to have no fucking end? I have made every possible attempt possible to break free, my last choice would be to literally disappear. Haha, but that would only be possible in a perfect world. I ponder a time when I am free from control, and a time when I am free to follow my own desires, free in my own thoughts and dreams, and can finally get back to me.
I am on a journey to finding self-love and a way to love life again, without seeing it as nothing but obstacles and burdens, never to see euphoria or an everlasting freedom that no one can take from me. I am tired of living in a bubble of anxiety, worry, and stress, although I know it is a part of life, I know it cannot be normal to feel this way constantly?
I have been in love with a soul for over 16 years that I have finally had a second chance to encounter, and although I should be at a place of complete and utter happiness, and see it as a chance to be completely free in my love, I am forced to keep it a secret for fear of losing my chance to be with the love of my life, due to outside influences that choose to stand in the way of our love and true happiness. I have to trust that the universe would have never brought this person back into my life without removing the obstacles that have been separating us for so long, but it just seems that this day may never come without causing chaos or destruction in someone's life. I have been working to manifesting nothing but positive vibes and I hope that this will eventually come to fruition sooner rather than later, because I love this person with every fiber of my soul and being, as if our souls have been in love since the beginning of everything, as if we are from the same star. I am confident in the universe, as I have never been given anything I cannot handle.
I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to read my random thoughts and my moments of darkness that I feel I have been battling for so long, if only for a short time, and I greatly appreciate @missy @rambo and @lyxzen for allowing us the opportunity to share our thoughts freely with this awesome community I like to call my second home.
On a happy note, I have some awesome news to share in an upcoming blog about a shoot-fest I participated in and one coming up in July that I am uber excited about!! also, I promise to start blogging weekly just to share with you all what is going on in my life and just share myself with all you lovely beings so to not keep you in the dark of whatever may be the happenings.
Again, thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you all are enjoying your week/summer so far!! Until next time love's.
xoxo,
Hunnibee
