humility

It's been quite a while since I posted on here. Lack of motivation, I guess. Let's see.. What's new..

I went to Waubonsee a few weeks ago and filled out a new form, resulting in my status changing from a dual credit student to full-time in preparation for Fall. I turned in a few things needed to process any financial aid, and I also had my ACT scores sent to them so I could skip assessment testing. Everything looks good, and all that's left is to schedule and Registration&Planning session as soon as possible. I honestly never saw myself taking the initiative to get this done, but I guess a little bit of curiosity can go a long way as far as motivation goes. I decided to major in Human Services with a bit more focus on addictions counseling. Two of the required courses include doing 250 hours (each) of on-the-job experience at addictions counseling centers. I can already imagine how busy I'm going to be. The thought is both exciting and terrifying. I'm definitely going to have to conquer my social phobia if I plan on going through with this, both going back to school and becoming a counselor. I really hope I'm making the right choice. I need to prove to myself that I can do it.

Alex and I are getting pretty serious, despite him living in Belgium and me, well, not being remotely close. He wants to come to America to visit me over the summer, an idea that makes me hold my breath in anticipation while also scaring the hell out of me. I'm so afraid that he'll get here, take one look at me, and quickly run away, realizing he made a big mistake. Maybe it's ridiculous, but in my mind I'm so sure that I'm universally unattractive, one of those girls that no guy could possibly want to be with. I notice every little flaw about myself, so why wouldn't someone else notice as well? I just assume all guys have the same general guidelines when it comes to attractiveness, which does me no good self-esteem wise. How many guys are actually willing to look past physical flaws, assuming that they were initially attracted to the girl's personality? I hate the idea that he won't like me once he meets me in person, something he's insisted won't happen. I should have more faith in him and myself and even love in general. If love really is blind, maybe I stand a fighting chance. I never thought I'd find love on the internet, let alone a serious transcontinental relationship. He admitted he finds the idea of meeting me to be weird because he'll be "going to America, 18 and alone, because [he's] in love." I've had many people say "I love you" to me, but I think he's the first person to go as far as to say he's in love with me. (Actually, maybe not the first person but definitely the first guy. I've had one or two girls claim they were in love with me, one in real life and one on the internet. Both also said I made them realize they were bisexual.) Earlier today I got a glimpse of how I'd feel without him. He told me that the only reason he still plays Maplestory (the game we met on) is because I play, and if not for me he would have quit months ago. Well, my mind automatically went into worst case scenario mode, taking it as a hint that he was about to break up with me. The idea made me start crying instantly, which caught me completely off guard. When I told him what I thought was happening and that I was crying, he said that if money and responsibilities weren't important, he'd have been in America kissing me at that moment. Safe to say him saying that turned me to mush. At this point, I can only hope that my fears are as irrational as they seem, products of insecurity and nothing more. Such a difficult concept to grasp.

I guess this is an adequate update for now.. It's 4 am and Maple is down for maintenance til 7, so I still need to decide whether to sleep or stay up. Kinda leaning towards sleep..

I'd love to see some opinions on love and attraction. Is love as blind as they say?





P.S. Ask me anything anonymously on formspring! I love answering questions on there. Seriously, ask me anything.