hrlyqunn

ok so i cheated on my boyfriend a few months ago and while that is the one thing i will always regret doing, i wish i could just make it go away.

my bf emailed the guy i hung out with. wtf would he do that?? what kind of closure is going to come from that? is that really going to fucking make him feel better about this whole thing!!!??

i know im not worthy of his love and his acceptance and sometimes, altho i think id honestly kill myself, i wish he would just break up with me and never speak to me again.

i dont want this over our heads forever. hes in college, he needs to focus on school and his career and his studies. not me.

i hope, one day, when hes finished all the school he wants to, when hes got his masters degree and a fantastic job and is happy and content, hell still want me as his wife. but sometimes i wonder if i deserve to be his wife. if i deserve to be a part of his life, even in the smallest and most insignificant way possible.

i hurt him. i broke his heart and more importantly his trust. and he still loves me. he still wants me.

i dont deserve to be with him. he deserves better. but im so scared what ill be without him. im so selfish.

i just want the best for him. the best education, career, home, family, love, life. im afraid that i dont fit into any of those categories. im afraid i dont fit in anywhere. even in my own life.

im not sure what the right thing to do is. i obviously have pretty shitty judgment...or rather i have no ability to judge anything. i dont just make mistakes...i royally and irrevocably fuck things up. i have regrets, ive made mistakes and i am a complete and utter fuck up..

i wish he hated me. i wish he stared into my eyes and told me he never wanted to speak to or see me ever again.

i love him with all my heart.