I miss her so much.
i know everyone is waiting for me to lose it. to go completley over the edge, into the abyss, to the point of no return.
which makes me wonder: does everyone just want to see me locked away again, and is using her as an excuse to put me there? or do they really expect me to grieve so hard and so bad that i will become a depressed vegetable??
yes, i miss her. with every fiber of my being. as much as i enjoy the way my life is at the moment, it doesnt mean that i dont wake up every day and feel the familiar tug at my heart. there should be a different rountine to my life. i should be washing little socks and dresses, i should be helping with kindergarten homework, i should be making scrambled eggs and hotdogs and spaghetti and planning trips to seasame place and the zoo this summer.
i feel almost guilty because i no longer do these things. at any given moment i feel like i should be doing something else, something for her. but no, i now only do for me. and no that doesnt make me a bad person, it just makes me sad. everyone says theres nothing i could have done. but there had to have been something. i should have known or chosen a different option ofr something. i dont know. i just know that i failed her. i tried my damnest to give her the world, to show her that life was something amazing. and now she doesnt even know what kindergarten wouldve been like.
ill never have those first things. the first day at school. first anything at school. i wont see her grow up, wont see what she could have become. would she have been like me? broad and thick, curvy, pale and bright eyed?
i know she would have been smart. she would have read a lot like me. would have been curious. would have asked questions, would have loved the outdoors. she would have been pretty, and popular, but because she was a good person and friendly. she would have no problem fitting in. being a great friend to everyone.
Everyone she would have ever met would have loved her. Maybe not as much as I loved her but no one could have ever loved her as much as I did. She saved me. I owed her my life and i would have given her mine if it came to that. She was the greatest thing htat has ever happened to me. nothing can ever compare to the very first moment I looked into her eyes and saw the future. She was my future. I was going to raise her to be everything I wished I was, everything that this world needed. She wasnt going to change the world all at once but she was goin to be my way of paying it forward. She was the part of me that I thought I was missing. She was everything that i wanted, and yet nothing I truly deserved. if she was the magic that fueled me. She made my fairy tale seem plausible.
She was my heart. She was my soul. She was my life. She was my magic, my shining star, my best friend, my little elf-girl.
She was and will forever be my firstborn.
I know you arent resting Emma-Leigh, because I can still feel you all around me. I know that you loved me like I loved you. Im sorry you had to leave me. I miss you, baby girl. Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. Mommy loves her little elf-girl, now and forever.
i know everyone is waiting for me to lose it. to go completley over the edge, into the abyss, to the point of no return.
which makes me wonder: does everyone just want to see me locked away again, and is using her as an excuse to put me there? or do they really expect me to grieve so hard and so bad that i will become a depressed vegetable??
yes, i miss her. with every fiber of my being. as much as i enjoy the way my life is at the moment, it doesnt mean that i dont wake up every day and feel the familiar tug at my heart. there should be a different rountine to my life. i should be washing little socks and dresses, i should be helping with kindergarten homework, i should be making scrambled eggs and hotdogs and spaghetti and planning trips to seasame place and the zoo this summer.
i feel almost guilty because i no longer do these things. at any given moment i feel like i should be doing something else, something for her. but no, i now only do for me. and no that doesnt make me a bad person, it just makes me sad. everyone says theres nothing i could have done. but there had to have been something. i should have known or chosen a different option ofr something. i dont know. i just know that i failed her. i tried my damnest to give her the world, to show her that life was something amazing. and now she doesnt even know what kindergarten wouldve been like.
ill never have those first things. the first day at school. first anything at school. i wont see her grow up, wont see what she could have become. would she have been like me? broad and thick, curvy, pale and bright eyed?
i know she would have been smart. she would have read a lot like me. would have been curious. would have asked questions, would have loved the outdoors. she would have been pretty, and popular, but because she was a good person and friendly. she would have no problem fitting in. being a great friend to everyone.
Everyone she would have ever met would have loved her. Maybe not as much as I loved her but no one could have ever loved her as much as I did. She saved me. I owed her my life and i would have given her mine if it came to that. She was the greatest thing htat has ever happened to me. nothing can ever compare to the very first moment I looked into her eyes and saw the future. She was my future. I was going to raise her to be everything I wished I was, everything that this world needed. She wasnt going to change the world all at once but she was goin to be my way of paying it forward. She was the part of me that I thought I was missing. She was everything that i wanted, and yet nothing I truly deserved. if she was the magic that fueled me. She made my fairy tale seem plausible.
She was my heart. She was my soul. She was my life. She was my magic, my shining star, my best friend, my little elf-girl.
She was and will forever be my firstborn.
I know you arent resting Emma-Leigh, because I can still feel you all around me. I know that you loved me like I loved you. Im sorry you had to leave me. I miss you, baby girl. Every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. Mommy loves her little elf-girl, now and forever.