Why is it I've reverted back to blogging only when miserable? I'm miserable and husband is same. Cat and child seem to be doing ok but that usually doesn't last long if there's crap energy in the house. I really don't want our son to be affected. That would disappoint me immensely.
I'm not sure I feel like trying in this marriage. I know I don't really like being married. I have missed being single for a while and really resent my loss of independence and freedom. It's not the being single in the sense that I want to go to the bars and stuff with my friends.....I always wanted to meet someone....I'm just not sure marriage is for me. I love my son and wouldn't change ever having him. I think sharing him wouldn't be so bad? Am I losing it? It's not like my husband is a bad person...I really dislike living with him. Vehemently. I don't like living with anyone. I've lived alone most of my life although I've lived with a few other men, it was always pretty shortlived and this whole forever thing is a bit daunting. Picking up after, cooking, cleaning and laundering to me could be summarized as indentured slavery. It's really demeaning. I hate it.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't even know if I want to "work it out" because I intrinsically dislike being married. I dislike living with marital partner even more. What's to work out. I've often joked about separate residences (even before we met and got married) and he is unamused. I'm thinking it's not such a bad idea.
I'm not even really sad. This is the only relationship that doesn't make me weep when things seem hopeless or we've drifted apart. I don't know if it's the perceived security of marriage and that I know he'll work on things with me or what. He certainly deserves respect and credit on that note, but I'm more annoyed than upset. This marriage has become a burden. Sounds awful and I feel guilty saying it.
I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight and perhaps from now on. It's downright uncomfortable being around each other now. We had my little sister, her mom, and her neice over for Easter dinner tonight and we barely looked at eachother. I have nothing to say to him other than bringing up the hundred & one annoying things he does around the house or doesn't do. I realize this is not uncommon in marriage or living together. All I'm realizing is that maybe it's just not for me. I just don't think I'm cut out for it. I feel like I have no identity left - what i do have I have to fight for. I thinkg wives and mothers are incredible and completely under-rated. How have they done it for generation after generation. I'm selfless, to a point, but every day? Every waking moment? The thought of asking him how his day was after I scrubbed and cooke all day while intermittently getting clocked between the eyes with a wooden toy train makes my skin crawl. Frankly, despite the fact that his work puts a roof over our heads and food on our table, I couldn't care less how his day was. I see his lips moved and I'm planning my day tomorrow. that's nice dear. (translation: I don't care and would rather stick searing hot needles in my eyes than repeat this charade tomorrow, which I know we will have to do despite what my feelings are.)
OK. So having said all that I feel guilty and self-indulgent. I'm not starving, he doesn't beat me, he's responsible and engaged in our life, a great dad, and passable partner9 in my eyes - I'm sure he's a catch to someone else but I havent' felt that for a long time). I don't feel cherished or appreciated and I'm not the 1950's adoring housewife type. I almost with that I had a job I hated instead of a life I hate. (I do adore my son though!!!)
Am I just depressed and blaming, in part, my marriage? Or is this just not for me? I'm capable but reluctant. I could also be quite capable of digging fine ditches, but I'm not choosing to do that, am I?
Therefore I pose the question again....Why to people marry? Specifically, why did I marry? Is this going to pass? Is it fixable? Am I a totally selfish bitch? Did we just make the wrong choice in partners? Is this a phase that we'll move on from? I have no idea. I just know I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now.
I'm not sure I feel like trying in this marriage. I know I don't really like being married. I have missed being single for a while and really resent my loss of independence and freedom. It's not the being single in the sense that I want to go to the bars and stuff with my friends.....I always wanted to meet someone....I'm just not sure marriage is for me. I love my son and wouldn't change ever having him. I think sharing him wouldn't be so bad? Am I losing it? It's not like my husband is a bad person...I really dislike living with him. Vehemently. I don't like living with anyone. I've lived alone most of my life although I've lived with a few other men, it was always pretty shortlived and this whole forever thing is a bit daunting. Picking up after, cooking, cleaning and laundering to me could be summarized as indentured slavery. It's really demeaning. I hate it.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't even know if I want to "work it out" because I intrinsically dislike being married. I dislike living with marital partner even more. What's to work out. I've often joked about separate residences (even before we met and got married) and he is unamused. I'm thinking it's not such a bad idea.
I'm not even really sad. This is the only relationship that doesn't make me weep when things seem hopeless or we've drifted apart. I don't know if it's the perceived security of marriage and that I know he'll work on things with me or what. He certainly deserves respect and credit on that note, but I'm more annoyed than upset. This marriage has become a burden. Sounds awful and I feel guilty saying it.
I'm sleeping in the guest room tonight and perhaps from now on. It's downright uncomfortable being around each other now. We had my little sister, her mom, and her neice over for Easter dinner tonight and we barely looked at eachother. I have nothing to say to him other than bringing up the hundred & one annoying things he does around the house or doesn't do. I realize this is not uncommon in marriage or living together. All I'm realizing is that maybe it's just not for me. I just don't think I'm cut out for it. I feel like I have no identity left - what i do have I have to fight for. I thinkg wives and mothers are incredible and completely under-rated. How have they done it for generation after generation. I'm selfless, to a point, but every day? Every waking moment? The thought of asking him how his day was after I scrubbed and cooke all day while intermittently getting clocked between the eyes with a wooden toy train makes my skin crawl. Frankly, despite the fact that his work puts a roof over our heads and food on our table, I couldn't care less how his day was. I see his lips moved and I'm planning my day tomorrow. that's nice dear. (translation: I don't care and would rather stick searing hot needles in my eyes than repeat this charade tomorrow, which I know we will have to do despite what my feelings are.)
OK. So having said all that I feel guilty and self-indulgent. I'm not starving, he doesn't beat me, he's responsible and engaged in our life, a great dad, and passable partner9 in my eyes - I'm sure he's a catch to someone else but I havent' felt that for a long time). I don't feel cherished or appreciated and I'm not the 1950's adoring housewife type. I almost with that I had a job I hated instead of a life I hate. (I do adore my son though!!!)
Am I just depressed and blaming, in part, my marriage? Or is this just not for me? I'm capable but reluctant. I could also be quite capable of digging fine ditches, but I'm not choosing to do that, am I?
Therefore I pose the question again....Why to people marry? Specifically, why did I marry? Is this going to pass? Is it fixable? Am I a totally selfish bitch? Did we just make the wrong choice in partners? Is this a phase that we'll move on from? I have no idea. I just know I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now.
Not pained because I feel it's wrong.. because I don't think it's wrong at all: I can completely relate to the exact same feeling.
I'm pained reading it because its honesty strikes me to the core. After the 12 years with she-who-used-to-be-referred-to-as-her, I certainly found myself in the same base position, but much much much further ahead (or over) into the realm of complete submission to it. Submission to the inescapable reality of our own situation's hopelessness.
Our own communication had dwindled down into some sick repetitive puppet show with the same plot line and same silent, unresolved ending with every "deep conversation" about where were, and where we were heading. We had etched in a deep pattern of co-dependency though, and weeks, if not months, could go by with no fighting, no issues, no anger, but also no laughing, no special moments towards each other... just the same TV on night after night, the same 'special night' together of $35.00 worth of wine and cheese on the coffee table every friday night as we'd put in another DVD.
Good morning, have a good day, kiss at the door, go to our own work, pick up groceries on the way home, how was your day, uh huh.. uh huh.. hmm, whose turn is it to walk Morgan?
make dinner, thanks that was good, sweet dreams.
Rinse and repeat.
It certainly wasnt bad. We were still attracted to eachother, I was never sick of the sight of her, the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair I still found myself excited at times when she was going to be coming back to Vancouver after a week out in the valley. but
Something was missing for me. I didnt know what that was yet, but I could just tell something of great importance was somehow not where it should have been in us.
She started talking of marriage and children sometime after her 32nd birthday, and I started to look at our own situation with a bit more reality.
Forever?
My intuition was screaming at me. Whenever I thought about our future of forever together, my mind would shut down and not allow the thoughts the space. Something major was missing there and I didnt know what it was, but I certainly saw the deeper psychological effects it was having on me over time the deep longing for satisfaction somewhere.. somehow.. a need to fill that enigmatic hole I had developed somewhere inside me as I continued to live in that love cage. However, whenever I really tried to get my head around it, it would forsake me and simply shut down. My only two options were seemingly not on my list of wants.
I see now, now that I am out of the situation, that what was missing for me was also my fear: that she didnt Love in the same definition of Love as me. Thats obvious now now that the last 7 months have proven that all to me. But I couldnt have known that at the time. I didnt know anything at the time.
I think I must have been tortured by the thoughts of what the hell are we doing? for at least 3 years before I finally forced myself to go one way or the other. Dude, either marry this woman and have children, and if you are unable to commit to that right now this very moment then you must walk away from it all.
Shed walk up to me in the kitchen,
I love you shed say, and come up for a hug.
Love you too Id say, and hug her back with my eyes open, staring at the fridge magnets.
I did mean it though. Fully.
I couldnt know the answer. We had spent so many years together, that our lives had lost their borders, we were one. ( I still catch myself saying we when I mean to say I) I couldnt find the strength to walk from it, and when I thought about that one of my first thoughts was a foreboding foreshadow of me at 50 years old sad, lonely and still kicking myself for making the biggest mistake of my life by not marrying this woman.
But then, with equal strength, came the image of me at 50 years old well adjusted, deeply in Love with a woman that shares my views on the never ending school, and glowing in the thanks for making that decision back when I was 36.
We were never about marriage. For the first 8 years of our relationship wed openly scoff about the very idea. Her tune changed and mine didnt. What difference would us getting married really make? A piece of paper?... but I knew that I didnt really mean that because if marriage was such a non issue for me, if marriage was something that totally wouldnt make bit of difference either way, then why would I not just do it? The fact that I couldnt even fathom it spoke volumes.
I asked myself all the same questions we pretty much got along, maybe this is all there is? Maybe I expected too much? People in small towns have been getting married for centuries. Im sure with such a small population to choose from, the matches werent entirely perfect in more cases than not. Yet the couples prevailed. I know an east Indian couple that were married in an arranged marriage (which I completely despise the idea of), but they are the epitome of the perfect couple by all outward appearances. They really do seem so happy together. Was that just luck? Or do they know something I dont?
Maybe I just misunderstood the idea of marriage. Perhaps Id been brainwashed by Hollywood, thinking that I was supposed to be feeling a 24 hour elation, 7 days a week, my pupils morphing into heartshapes every morning when I see her wake again.
Its fucking torture though. Not the togetherness the thoughts around it. This is the unanswerable question.
Lobotomy?
And hey! Thank you so much for the offer of the accompaniment for my trip Thursday Morning. Id be nice to see you anyways, and I would actually enjoy that. Not sure how that would work, the appointment is for 9:00 am I would appreciate the company though, thank you!
[Edited on Mar 28, 2005 6:52PM]