Today I drove an OLD friend to hospital for MRI, and had breakfast with other friend who is flying back to Australia to give her lying cheating sumbitch husband a third chance. Bought catfood and new socks for small child creature. Alls well that ends well for the most part, although I'm all but certain that twice burnt friend will come back singed around the...
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VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
mrdaft:
damn girl....you need to add one new one at least a month so we know you are still alive
angelvanilla:
SGBC NeWs
Why is it I've reverted back to blogging only when miserable? I'm miserable and husband is same. Cat and child seem to be doing ok but that usually doesn't last long if there's crap energy in the house. I really don't want our son to be affected. That would disappoint me immensely.
I'm not sure I feel like trying in this marriage. I know I...
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I'm not sure I feel like trying in this marriage. I know I...
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sluttygoodgirl:
I have to go get the kids ready for school, but wanted to post real quick to say hi and glad to see you back around - but sorry things are not going well!! I will post more later, as this entry hits close to home for me.
pica_pica:
Oh man it pains me to read this.
Not pained because I feel it's wrong.. because I don't think it's wrong at all: I can completely relate to the exact same feeling.
I'm pained reading it because its honesty strikes me to the core. After the 12 years with she-who-used-to-be-referred-to-as-her, I certainly found myself in the same base position, but much much much further ahead (or over) into the realm of complete submission to it. Submission to the inescapable reality of our own situation's hopelessness.
Our own communication had dwindled down into some sick repetitive puppet show with the same plot line and same silent, unresolved ending with every "deep conversation" about where were, and where we were heading. We had etched in a deep pattern of co-dependency though, and weeks, if not months, could go by with no fighting, no issues, no anger, but also no laughing, no special moments towards each other... just the same TV on night after night, the same 'special night' together of $35.00 worth of wine and cheese on the coffee table every friday night as we'd put in another DVD.
Good morning, have a good day, kiss at the door, go to our own work, pick up groceries on the way home, how was your day, uh huh.. uh huh.. hmm, whose turn is it to walk Morgan?
make dinner, thanks that was good, sweet dreams.
Rinse and repeat.
It certainly wasnt bad. We were still attracted to eachother, I was never sick of the sight of her, the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair I still found myself excited at times when she was going to be coming back to Vancouver after a week out in the valley. but
Something was missing for me. I didnt know what that was yet, but I could just tell something of great importance was somehow not where it should have been in us.
She started talking of marriage and children sometime after her 32nd birthday, and I started to look at our own situation with a bit more reality.
Forever?
My intuition was screaming at me. Whenever I thought about our future of forever together, my mind would shut down and not allow the thoughts the space. Something major was missing there and I didnt know what it was, but I certainly saw the deeper psychological effects it was having on me over time the deep longing for satisfaction somewhere.. somehow.. a need to fill that enigmatic hole I had developed somewhere inside me as I continued to live in that love cage. However, whenever I really tried to get my head around it, it would forsake me and simply shut down. My only two options were seemingly not on my list of wants.
I see now, now that I am out of the situation, that what was missing for me was also my fear: that she didnt Love in the same definition of Love as me. Thats obvious now now that the last 7 months have proven that all to me. But I couldnt have known that at the time. I didnt know anything at the time.
I think I must have been tortured by the thoughts of what the hell are we doing? for at least 3 years before I finally forced myself to go one way or the other. Dude, either marry this woman and have children, and if you are unable to commit to that right now this very moment then you must walk away from it all.
Shed walk up to me in the kitchen,
I love you shed say, and come up for a hug.
Love you too Id say, and hug her back with my eyes open, staring at the fridge magnets.
I did mean it though. Fully.
I couldnt know the answer. We had spent so many years together, that our lives had lost their borders, we were one. ( I still catch myself saying we when I mean to say I) I couldnt find the strength to walk from it, and when I thought about that one of my first thoughts was a foreboding foreshadow of me at 50 years old sad, lonely and still kicking myself for making the biggest mistake of my life by not marrying this woman.
But then, with equal strength, came the image of me at 50 years old well adjusted, deeply in Love with a woman that shares my views on the never ending school, and glowing in the thanks for making that decision back when I was 36.
We were never about marriage. For the first 8 years of our relationship wed openly scoff about the very idea. Her tune changed and mine didnt. What difference would us getting married really make? A piece of paper?... but I knew that I didnt really mean that because if marriage was such a non issue for me, if marriage was something that totally wouldnt make bit of difference either way, then why would I not just do it? The fact that I couldnt even fathom it spoke volumes.
I asked myself all the same questions we pretty much got along, maybe this is all there is? Maybe I expected too much? People in small towns have been getting married for centuries. Im sure with such a small population to choose from, the matches werent entirely perfect in more cases than not. Yet the couples prevailed. I know an east Indian couple that were married in an arranged marriage (which I completely despise the idea of), but they are the epitome of the perfect couple by all outward appearances. They really do seem so happy together. Was that just luck? Or do they know something I dont?
Maybe I just misunderstood the idea of marriage. Perhaps Id been brainwashed by Hollywood, thinking that I was supposed to be feeling a 24 hour elation, 7 days a week, my pupils morphing into heartshapes every morning when I see her wake again.
Its fucking torture though. Not the togetherness the thoughts around it. This is the unanswerable question.
Lobotomy?
And hey! Thank you so much for the offer of the accompaniment for my trip Thursday Morning. Id be nice to see you anyways, and I would actually enjoy that. Not sure how that would work, the appointment is for 9:00 am I would appreciate the company though, thank you!
[Edited on Mar 28, 2005 6:52PM]
Not pained because I feel it's wrong.. because I don't think it's wrong at all: I can completely relate to the exact same feeling.
I'm pained reading it because its honesty strikes me to the core. After the 12 years with she-who-used-to-be-referred-to-as-her, I certainly found myself in the same base position, but much much much further ahead (or over) into the realm of complete submission to it. Submission to the inescapable reality of our own situation's hopelessness.
Our own communication had dwindled down into some sick repetitive puppet show with the same plot line and same silent, unresolved ending with every "deep conversation" about where were, and where we were heading. We had etched in a deep pattern of co-dependency though, and weeks, if not months, could go by with no fighting, no issues, no anger, but also no laughing, no special moments towards each other... just the same TV on night after night, the same 'special night' together of $35.00 worth of wine and cheese on the coffee table every friday night as we'd put in another DVD.
Good morning, have a good day, kiss at the door, go to our own work, pick up groceries on the way home, how was your day, uh huh.. uh huh.. hmm, whose turn is it to walk Morgan?
make dinner, thanks that was good, sweet dreams.
Rinse and repeat.
It certainly wasnt bad. We were still attracted to eachother, I was never sick of the sight of her, the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair I still found myself excited at times when she was going to be coming back to Vancouver after a week out in the valley. but
Something was missing for me. I didnt know what that was yet, but I could just tell something of great importance was somehow not where it should have been in us.
She started talking of marriage and children sometime after her 32nd birthday, and I started to look at our own situation with a bit more reality.
Forever?
My intuition was screaming at me. Whenever I thought about our future of forever together, my mind would shut down and not allow the thoughts the space. Something major was missing there and I didnt know what it was, but I certainly saw the deeper psychological effects it was having on me over time the deep longing for satisfaction somewhere.. somehow.. a need to fill that enigmatic hole I had developed somewhere inside me as I continued to live in that love cage. However, whenever I really tried to get my head around it, it would forsake me and simply shut down. My only two options were seemingly not on my list of wants.
I see now, now that I am out of the situation, that what was missing for me was also my fear: that she didnt Love in the same definition of Love as me. Thats obvious now now that the last 7 months have proven that all to me. But I couldnt have known that at the time. I didnt know anything at the time.
I think I must have been tortured by the thoughts of what the hell are we doing? for at least 3 years before I finally forced myself to go one way or the other. Dude, either marry this woman and have children, and if you are unable to commit to that right now this very moment then you must walk away from it all.
Shed walk up to me in the kitchen,
I love you shed say, and come up for a hug.
Love you too Id say, and hug her back with my eyes open, staring at the fridge magnets.
I did mean it though. Fully.
I couldnt know the answer. We had spent so many years together, that our lives had lost their borders, we were one. ( I still catch myself saying we when I mean to say I) I couldnt find the strength to walk from it, and when I thought about that one of my first thoughts was a foreboding foreshadow of me at 50 years old sad, lonely and still kicking myself for making the biggest mistake of my life by not marrying this woman.
But then, with equal strength, came the image of me at 50 years old well adjusted, deeply in Love with a woman that shares my views on the never ending school, and glowing in the thanks for making that decision back when I was 36.
We were never about marriage. For the first 8 years of our relationship wed openly scoff about the very idea. Her tune changed and mine didnt. What difference would us getting married really make? A piece of paper?... but I knew that I didnt really mean that because if marriage was such a non issue for me, if marriage was something that totally wouldnt make bit of difference either way, then why would I not just do it? The fact that I couldnt even fathom it spoke volumes.
I asked myself all the same questions we pretty much got along, maybe this is all there is? Maybe I expected too much? People in small towns have been getting married for centuries. Im sure with such a small population to choose from, the matches werent entirely perfect in more cases than not. Yet the couples prevailed. I know an east Indian couple that were married in an arranged marriage (which I completely despise the idea of), but they are the epitome of the perfect couple by all outward appearances. They really do seem so happy together. Was that just luck? Or do they know something I dont?
Maybe I just misunderstood the idea of marriage. Perhaps Id been brainwashed by Hollywood, thinking that I was supposed to be feeling a 24 hour elation, 7 days a week, my pupils morphing into heartshapes every morning when I see her wake again.
Its fucking torture though. Not the togetherness the thoughts around it. This is the unanswerable question.
Lobotomy?
And hey! Thank you so much for the offer of the accompaniment for my trip Thursday Morning. Id be nice to see you anyways, and I would actually enjoy that. Not sure how that would work, the appointment is for 9:00 am I would appreciate the company though, thank you!
[Edited on Mar 28, 2005 6:52PM]
The funeral on Friday was the saddest thing I've ever experience. Watching friends bury their daughter. They read letters to her, some passages and lit incense. As the mom and dad respectively broke down, so it I. I shook with sobs and waited in line to throw some earth into her grave. It seemed surreal and wrong. I had insisted that we not take our...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
pica_pica:
I can't even seem to get my brain around it. I have been to too many funerals in my life already, and I know that as I get older there are going to be more and more.
Where is that buddhist peace?
I hope you are doing ok up there, enjoying your new space by the cows.
Where is that buddhist peace?
I hope you are doing ok up there, enjoying your new space by the cows.
sluttygoodgirl:
I totally understand those mixed feelings you speak of. The extreme love and devotion you feel towards your children, and the thanklessness of it all. Feeling taken for granted. Missing yourself, losing yourself. It's extremely difficult, being a parent and part of a family, something larger than yoruself.
Being happy for me would mean a family together. Which is not mine.
Being happy for me would mean a family together. Which is not mine.
I cried today off and on. I feel sorrow, despair, helplessness, fear, humility, I could go on but don't want to. We learned a few weeks back that friends, ones that I don't know very well but that my husband speaks of fondly and often. They had a miscarriage last year and that was sad - we know lots of people first hand that have... Read More
pica_pica:
I have been sitting here trying to come up with words for you in this and I am completely blank of them. There aren't any.
I can only say I'm thinking of you in this. I'm sorry for them too. I quite often don't "get it" either.
I can only say I'm thinking of you in this. I'm sorry for them too. I quite often don't "get it" either.
sluttygoodgirl:
Wow, I don't even know what to say. My heart goes out to you, and especially to the friends you speak of. So sad.
sluttygoodgirl:
hey, glad to see you back around! 
Moving in 8 hours. Miss blogging daily. Will set up as soon as can and get caught up.
Am wired and can't possibly sleep. Wish weed was unpacked......hmmmm which of the 123 boxes could it be in.....?
Am wired and can't possibly sleep. Wish weed was unpacked......hmmmm which of the 123 boxes could it be in.....?
sluttygoodgirl:
Haha, I might be digging through all of the if it was me!! 
Happy move, see ya when you get back online.
Happy move, see ya when you get back online.
pica_pica:
so?
How'd the move go? You must be unpacking by now....
(me? I am of the type to pack up the computer last, and it is usually the first thing I set up in the new place. Keeps the hives down)
How'd the move go? You must be unpacking by now....
(me? I am of the type to pack up the computer last, and it is usually the first thing I set up in the new place. Keeps the hives down)
14 more sleeps until we are in our new space. Our environment is so important. I've mentally checked out of our current home so much that I don't even see the walls any more. I'm going through some goodbyes. GB to the neighborhood. Took the Rabbit (my baby son) to see the ducks at Jerico today and breathe the sea air, gaze at the mountains...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
pica_pica:
Hey!
Thanks for a wonderful afternoon! It was totally refreshing to me in a few different ways.
One, it was freezing cold and I can barely type right now because my fingers aren't working,.. I'll call that "refreshing.
Two: I never do 'outdoor stuff' because it has yet to become my 21 day habit, but walking around out there this afternoon really made me understand how much I miss that kinda stuff, in a soul recharging sort of way.
Three: I really enjoyed the conversation.
Thanks again! It was great to meet the fam!
Thanks for a wonderful afternoon! It was totally refreshing to me in a few different ways.
One, it was freezing cold and I can barely type right now because my fingers aren't working,.. I'll call that "refreshing.
Two: I never do 'outdoor stuff' because it has yet to become my 21 day habit, but walking around out there this afternoon really made me understand how much I miss that kinda stuff, in a soul recharging sort of way.
Three: I really enjoyed the conversation.
Thanks again! It was great to meet the fam!
sluttygoodgirl:
So how are things going? You must be crazy busy getting ready to move right about now! I hope all goes well. My life has settled down - for the moment anyway. Who knows how it will be tomorrow!
My life has settled down - for the moment anyway. Who knows how it will be tomorrow! Have shared this water energy concept with a few friends who are all intrigued and tittilated. Looking forward to a nice weekend with the family. Packing our boxes to move to a new life, going to the park, sleeping in and lots of cuddling (hopefully for mum & dad too). Have a great weekend everyone!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
pica_pica:
ah, what the #*&*@, I am going to that movie.
my tits are lated.
my tits are lated.
pica_pica:
Thank you SO much for that suggestion. I went this afternoon and I absolutely LOVED IT
When (and if) that comes out on DVD, I am so going to own it.
I tried a few times to keep repeating certain quotes from the movie in my head so that I wouldn't forget them, some of them were totally brilliant, but alas. I forget all of them.
Too bad there isn't a rewind button in the theatre.
Again, thank you!
Hey are you a member of SGBC?
I'll vouche for you! we are meeting at Doolins on Tuesday night for a small get together for a few pints...
http://suicidegirls.com/groups/SGBC/
When (and if) that comes out on DVD, I am so going to own it.
I tried a few times to keep repeating certain quotes from the movie in my head so that I wouldn't forget them, some of them were totally brilliant, but alas. I forget all of them.
Too bad there isn't a rewind button in the theatre.
Again, thank you!
Hey are you a member of SGBC?
I'll vouche for you! we are meeting at Doolins on Tuesday night for a small get together for a few pints...
http://suicidegirls.com/groups/SGBC/
For those of you who have seen "What the #$*& do we know?", you'll recall the pictures of water crystals taken after being labelled with various emotions. We went to listen to Dr. Emoto, the Japanese man who spearheaded this study. It was incredible. I urge those of you who haven't been exposed to his theories to suss them out. In the meantime, write the...
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pica_pica:
Thanks for that, it certainly is a strange little trip. Something IS changing, that's for sure. I can certainly feel it, but I am not so sure where it's based yet.
Moving house is a great idea, and actually I am going to start to plan for that. Actually go through the process of preparing for the move. I don't have a place to move to, but one came up last week in another dog building. Its just that I was unprepared to move so I couldn't jump on the opportunity.
Next time I will be ready to pick up and go at the drop of a rentcheck. I know it would be a huge change for me, and probably what I will really require. There is alot of negative energy in this apartment, and I dread the pour soul that moves in here after me. Hopefully it's not a couple, because they won't be for long.
I totally want to look into what you are talking about with the water crystal thing. That's barkin up my tree.
Moving house is a great idea, and actually I am going to start to plan for that. Actually go through the process of preparing for the move. I don't have a place to move to, but one came up last week in another dog building. Its just that I was unprepared to move so I couldn't jump on the opportunity.
Next time I will be ready to pick up and go at the drop of a rentcheck. I know it would be a huge change for me, and probably what I will really require. There is alot of negative energy in this apartment, and I dread the pour soul that moves in here after me. Hopefully it's not a couple, because they won't be for long.
I totally want to look into what you are talking about with the water crystal thing. That's barkin up my tree.
mrdaft:
Glad to hear that things are going good there for you. No longer upset at the "marital unit". You will have to expand more on how the new house is.
Glad to see that you love your littel one more and more everyday
Glad to see that you love your littel one more and more everyday
I'm so excited I now have THREE friends on SG! What a winner hey? Have been very busy with the bread-snatching dwarf and now have committed to moving at the end of the month, rather unexpectedly. I love spontaneity...so long as I can plan it ahead!! ha! It'll be a good move - more space, great neighborhood. a real "grown up" house as opposed to...
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pica_pica:
I don't remember you saying anything about hating him.
Beating him about the head and neck with a frozen bag of corn or something like that, but I don't remember the hate word.
wow, you are crossing a big bridge. I hear they speak some strange dialect on that side of the water.
Beating him about the head and neck with a frozen bag of corn or something like that, but I don't remember the hate word.
wow, you are crossing a big bridge. I hear they speak some strange dialect on that side of the water.