There are night vision baby monitors at the Nurse's station and I enjoy their creepiness. I keep expecting to see Ms. M walk by one of them...she died here the other week, an hour before my shift ended, peacefully in her sleep. All day people asked how I was, since I was alone here when she passed. "Fine. It's part of my job." Others cry every time someone dies, even if they came here simply to die. I am glad I was here. "Love is watching someone die." Those lyrics swim through my head when these things happen.
Constant sex. Buying weed in a store. Wrestling with pit bulls. It has been a decent fall.
So, I must give further updates than that. My birthday followed the same pattern as the past 6 years, as in I ended up in tears and my night being ruined, because I had to take my freshly-alley-fought boyfriend to the ER to get 20 stitches in his face. The next week, my ex husband got in my face, yelling, and threatened to hit me. But I laughed about it all. This has just been a hell of a violent year, and I on feel half as traumatized as I would have last year. Getting out of that abusive relationship has really changed my life and my soul (if I have one). Really, I cannot help but smile about it. I am grateful to myself for leaving.
Every time I see Chris he still speaks down to me, and tried to play it off in a joking manner. He tells me about how he is pressuring his girlfriend to have an open relationship and he still tries to show me pictures of 'hot chicks' he found on the Chive. No wonder I had no confidence or strength. I am all for a couple appreciating other women if it is part of their dynamic, and polyamorous relationships can be wonderful. ...when they're not coupled with abuse. I am enjoying being monogamous. Not because I don't trust my boyfriend or think he doesn't trust me, but it isn't part of our dynamic. Even the man I dated after I left Chris just wanted to 'share' me, but only for women he wanted.
I am no longer used as bait.
The only time I have been involved in a polyamorous relationship to any degree has been this ongoing long-distance 'thing' I have had with two friends since college. They treasure one another...they treasure me. And I treasure them. And now that I am in a monogamous relationship, they are completely understanding of it, and we carry on as platonic friends. That, my dears, is respect.
Here, have some photos
