Well, tonight or this morning I should say-is going to be one of those "I can't sleep because my head's thinking to much" type of mornings.
It's not depression, or regret, just random thoughts that are bound to keep me from slumber yet another night.
Generally, when i return from work at night, the everyday stresses and events have clouded most of my thought, and i tend to drown out most of it with sleep or Tv. Yet, weekends, i stay awake just thinking. About ideas running through my head, about people in my life, or people that were in my life. I often times think how lucky I am to have what i do have, and have the friends and family I have.
Tonight is one of those rare occasions where I don't feel like swearing or cursing, or all in all bitching in my journal. Tonight, I'm just venting some of my thoughts, in hopes of getting a descent nights sleep.
This is a rarity-so enjoy. Though I doubt because my thoughts are so random now, I'll have any comments on my page, but so be it.
I watched a movie tonight, called 'Free Range', I was never really a fan of westerns until the past few years, and now I love them. So when it came out on DVD, and I ran out to get it right away, and hadn't watched it until just now. I knew it was based on a true story-how loosely based, is between the real people and Hollywood, my guess is it's not to close at all. But I didn't expect(ha ha, I should have with Hollywood), that there was a romantic element to it.
I generally don't watch to many 'romances', as they seem totally unbelievable, and sickening-not to metion, they make me feel as if I have nothing in my life. But it got me thinking about an ex-yeah, uh oh-an ex thought.
I dated a girl in college, my senior year-whom I met in one of the only two classes I had my last semester there. they were both in the Sculpture department, and I had a key to the building. I didn't really have to go during the other classes unless my labor was necessary(ok, it was necessary a lot), but I spent most of my day and night there, working or helping others. Her name was Pilar-I thoguht the name strange, but beautiful nonetheless. I started talking to her, and this is kind of stupid, by my clumsy hands. We had a bathtub in the room, for cooling wax projects poured into molds. By mere stupidity, we placed the coat rack right next to the god damn thing. And in my clumsiness, I managed to knock Pilar's coat into the water while retreiving my jacket. I felt like a real ass. It went unnoticed, and I guess maybe some people would have walked away, not saying a thing. but, i'm to honest for that. i walked up to her, having never really said a word to her, and explained my stupid ass error. She laughed, and a little awkwardly at that. It was 20 below 0 outside, and I knew she couldn't go out with a jacket or coat. i offered her mine, and explained that I didn't need it that day, as I drove to class that morning. i took her jacket to the dry cleaner to have it washed-and thought nothing of it. I still felt like an ass, but at least i did something about it.
And that's how we started talking, and growing closer. It ended up, we dated for a year or so, and her dumping me with a 'Dear John' letter, but it was perhaps the best relationship I've had to date. The romance was unlike anything else I had ever felt, and after her 'Dear John' letter, i stsrted to trust fewer and fewer people. Mind you, she was the one who told me to trust people more, and the more I tried, the better I did. But I started to bottle up after it was over. And I 'blame', and i use the word loosely, it on that situation. Though I find merit and mind that we learned a lot from each other. I don't hate her, on the contrary, I can't help but care for her-btu I haven't talked to her in 7 years.
Yeah, that stuff keeps me awake at night. Not regret-just kind memories, which i wish i could go back and relive just for a day. I know it's not possible, so maybe it is regret, i don't know.
I basically came to the conclusion a long time ago, that no matter what happens in your life, you meet and converse with people for a reason. Whether you realize it or not, we shaped and changed by every single person we know and meet in everyday life. Generic in thought, but it blows my mind to think that by leaving hte house 5 minutes early or late one day, I could be dramatically altering the course of my life.
I don't believe in coincedence at all, only fate and circumstance. It's me, believe what you wish.
So this whole Pilar thing, has got me going on a fairy tale I'm attempting to write. It's about the tooth fairy. It's a male Tooth Fairy, not a female. And he holds the job, only because of a curse put on him by two witches. And yes, it has a romantic element. As I just complain about Hollywood corrupting movies with romance.
But I guess everyone has a different concept of what romance and love are, so it makes sense to vent mine.
I find myself being inspired by many sources lately, including this site, and the many wonderful people I've corresponded to through it. For that I thank you.
Ok, I'm off to draw for a while, that will clear my head some. And my apologies if you actually read my entire entry this time.
It's not depression, or regret, just random thoughts that are bound to keep me from slumber yet another night.
Generally, when i return from work at night, the everyday stresses and events have clouded most of my thought, and i tend to drown out most of it with sleep or Tv. Yet, weekends, i stay awake just thinking. About ideas running through my head, about people in my life, or people that were in my life. I often times think how lucky I am to have what i do have, and have the friends and family I have.
Tonight is one of those rare occasions where I don't feel like swearing or cursing, or all in all bitching in my journal. Tonight, I'm just venting some of my thoughts, in hopes of getting a descent nights sleep.
This is a rarity-so enjoy. Though I doubt because my thoughts are so random now, I'll have any comments on my page, but so be it.
I watched a movie tonight, called 'Free Range', I was never really a fan of westerns until the past few years, and now I love them. So when it came out on DVD, and I ran out to get it right away, and hadn't watched it until just now. I knew it was based on a true story-how loosely based, is between the real people and Hollywood, my guess is it's not to close at all. But I didn't expect(ha ha, I should have with Hollywood), that there was a romantic element to it.
I generally don't watch to many 'romances', as they seem totally unbelievable, and sickening-not to metion, they make me feel as if I have nothing in my life. But it got me thinking about an ex-yeah, uh oh-an ex thought.
I dated a girl in college, my senior year-whom I met in one of the only two classes I had my last semester there. they were both in the Sculpture department, and I had a key to the building. I didn't really have to go during the other classes unless my labor was necessary(ok, it was necessary a lot), but I spent most of my day and night there, working or helping others. Her name was Pilar-I thoguht the name strange, but beautiful nonetheless. I started talking to her, and this is kind of stupid, by my clumsy hands. We had a bathtub in the room, for cooling wax projects poured into molds. By mere stupidity, we placed the coat rack right next to the god damn thing. And in my clumsiness, I managed to knock Pilar's coat into the water while retreiving my jacket. I felt like a real ass. It went unnoticed, and I guess maybe some people would have walked away, not saying a thing. but, i'm to honest for that. i walked up to her, having never really said a word to her, and explained my stupid ass error. She laughed, and a little awkwardly at that. It was 20 below 0 outside, and I knew she couldn't go out with a jacket or coat. i offered her mine, and explained that I didn't need it that day, as I drove to class that morning. i took her jacket to the dry cleaner to have it washed-and thought nothing of it. I still felt like an ass, but at least i did something about it.
And that's how we started talking, and growing closer. It ended up, we dated for a year or so, and her dumping me with a 'Dear John' letter, but it was perhaps the best relationship I've had to date. The romance was unlike anything else I had ever felt, and after her 'Dear John' letter, i stsrted to trust fewer and fewer people. Mind you, she was the one who told me to trust people more, and the more I tried, the better I did. But I started to bottle up after it was over. And I 'blame', and i use the word loosely, it on that situation. Though I find merit and mind that we learned a lot from each other. I don't hate her, on the contrary, I can't help but care for her-btu I haven't talked to her in 7 years.
Yeah, that stuff keeps me awake at night. Not regret-just kind memories, which i wish i could go back and relive just for a day. I know it's not possible, so maybe it is regret, i don't know.
I basically came to the conclusion a long time ago, that no matter what happens in your life, you meet and converse with people for a reason. Whether you realize it or not, we shaped and changed by every single person we know and meet in everyday life. Generic in thought, but it blows my mind to think that by leaving hte house 5 minutes early or late one day, I could be dramatically altering the course of my life.
I don't believe in coincedence at all, only fate and circumstance. It's me, believe what you wish.
So this whole Pilar thing, has got me going on a fairy tale I'm attempting to write. It's about the tooth fairy. It's a male Tooth Fairy, not a female. And he holds the job, only because of a curse put on him by two witches. And yes, it has a romantic element. As I just complain about Hollywood corrupting movies with romance.
But I guess everyone has a different concept of what romance and love are, so it makes sense to vent mine.
I find myself being inspired by many sources lately, including this site, and the many wonderful people I've corresponded to through it. For that I thank you.
Ok, I'm off to draw for a while, that will clear my head some. And my apologies if you actually read my entire entry this time.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
minimalism:
Thanks for the birthday wishes!!! It was a fucking great day.
saul2600:
thank you for the b-day wish as well Horus! of course, Willem Dafoe, and all sorts of cool people share your birthday... me, who do i get? Berthold Brecht. that's about it. what a day, eh?