Hello again,
And I fear, for those of you that have little or no patience, much like myself...you may not want to read on, as I'm begining to rant and babble about my life, or life itself in general.
I've had so much time to my self lately, more than I've been used to over the past year or so. And, as it seems-some times have been more painful than others.
I think about my life, and where I was five years ago, ten years ago, etc. And to be honest, I've changed so much over the course of my lifetime. And it's to be expected of course, everyone changes over the years-hell, it's only human to change.
When I think about how I grew up, moving all about over the U.S., I find myself lucky. Granted, at the time I absolutely hated it. I hated moving(still do), I hated being the new kid, I hated making new friends, etc. Fuck, it's hard man-being the new kid so many times. But, when I think about it, I wasn't alone-my sister went through the same shit I did-as did my parents.
When I was ten, my parents decided to get separated. My dad, who was a major ass at the time(or so I thought), decided that my mother wasn't the right person for him. To help herself, my mother decided to move me and my sis, to New Mexico-away from him, and the stress of everything. I was really to young to understand-and blamed both of them for the pain it caused me and my sis. I feel like shit, because my sister and I took it out on my mom when we moved.
I hated everything, the move, the town, the school. I was so lonely then. And, as time passed-I tended to not trust or let anyone in close to me. I guess, thinking that my parents had let me down-I pushed everyone away.
As the years passed, my parents got back together-but I was different then. I still had this trust thing, and, I still rejected most of everything. Come to find out, so did my sister. Who, at one point during our course of living in New Mexico, she attempted suicide.
Needless to say, neither one of my parents know, nor does my sister-that I knew thios occured. I hated my sister for that, for that decision to take her own life. I've always thought that suicide is one of the greediest things to do to one's family and friends-and I still think so.
We all moved to California, the L.A. area, to start a new life. And I absolutely hated that. Being born and raised in Iowa, the culture shock of being in New Mexico and California was causing me to break down. We all hated it really, California for us, was pure hell-chaos, and dread.
We all thought it best to leave. Though, I guess in retrospect, it wasn't my sister's or mine decision to move-but I think, well, I know my parents knew we hated it. We decided to move back to Iowa, but, as it seems, my uncle here in Wisconsin offered my father a job here in Madison. He accepted, and we moved here.
During the whole move, my dad was a complete ass. I hated him, as did my sister, and even my mother I think. Come to find out a few years later-he had a thyroid problem, causing dramatic mood swings, and emotional outbursts, that when they occured, didn't make sense to any of us.
My dad has gotten medical help since he found out some years ago, and seems to be fine. But, when I reflect upon everything(mind you, everything isn't outlined in this journal entry), I realize that through the years, rarely, have any of us-spoken our true feelings to each other, about anything of personal importance.
We get along fine, but it's almost like we pretend to be happy about ourselves and our family. I love my family, don;t get me wrong-but over the years, I've grown distant and impersonal with all of them. We're still, very social and friendly. We hang out once or twice a month, and I enjoy it. But we still, never talk about our emotions or feelings.
Until recently, I've been distant from them-but, with this Erin thing(sorry to bring that up again), my mother and I have actually had some descent conversations about my feelings, her feelings on the matter-and it's made me feel fantastic.
My mother is incredibly loving, and very helpful. As I tell here about Erin, what she's going through, and emotionally, what I'm going through, I see a positive side to everything. I'm actually starting to share myself more.
Erin and I talked agin last night, about everything-and I hate to say it, but we both started crying again. Fuck, it's been hard for me. But, I'm taking it all day by day. And I explained to her-as much as it hurt to say, that I love her still-regardless of whether or not she decides she never wants to see me again.
I've gotten advice from a few female friends(as I think most males would not give me proper advice), and all of them think, that I'm spending to much time thinking about it, or even being with Erin as little as I am right now. And I'll admit, I'm greedy for wanting to be with her for those few hours. But, her company still comforts me.
We talked about how we enjoy spending time with each other, and how confused we both are. And we cry some more, and I can sympathize to a certain extent of what she's going through right now. I can dismiss it as an age difference, but really, age has nothing to do with it. It's all a state of mind.
That little incident with my blackout at a party some months ago, I finally admitted to Erin Last night-was what the doctor's believed to be a 'panic attack'. I didn't tell Erin, or anyone else about the panic attack thing, because, and this is only theory of course, they think that because of the stress I was putting myself through that day before the incident occured, is what caused it all. What was the stress you ask? Well, we were to go to a party at her friend's house. I knew, that evryone that was going to be there, or, almost everyone there-was married. So, as stupid as it was, I was stressing out all day about the thought of Erin and I being married, or the thought that, 'Hey, this is what it's going to be like when we're married'-and I kept running that through my head, and panicking about it. I decided I would go regardless, because this is what Erin wanted to do.
Not an hour in to the party, boom, I pass out for 10 to 15 minutes locked in the bathroom, only to find myself waking up, blurry vision and all- with blood and my head in the bathtub. I never would have put two and two together, had I not talked about it with the doctor. Though, again it's only theory, but it seems to make sense.
I hid that conversation from Erin, until last night. Why did I tell her last night. Well, one, I wanted to get it off my chest finally-and two, I thought that at least, let her know she wasn;t alone with the doubts she was having. I mean, for a few weeks after the blackout incident, I kind of shut myself down thinking about what I wanted, was Erin who I truly loved-or wanted to spend the rest of my time with. And, after that few weeks of mental shut down(really not a shut down, just kind of a off course journey), i realized that yeah, yeah she was the one I truly loved, and wanted to be with.
So, again-as I find myself repeating in my journal entries-everything has been hard to deal with-and each day seems to rollercoaster up and down with emotions.
We talked for quite a while last night, and cried again some more to(fuck, I've cried a lot lately), and parted ways again. But, we were both smiling at the same time.
We said some things that had to be said-and I think, honestly now-I've gotten everything off my chest. I admitted to her last night, that yeah-I HOPED we would get back together, but NO, I didn't expect it to happen either. I can;t expect it to happen-and really, I shouldn't hope either. I don't want to be let down, or disappointed. So really, I've decided just to take it day by day.
I can;t expect anything, nor worry about things I can't control. I can only be honest with myself, and Erin. That's all I can do.
Man my journal entires have been pure sap lately, sorry.
I guess what I'm saying is, since I'm a huge believer in fate-I'll just let whatever happens, happen. I don;t think I could honestly date or see anyone right now, but that doesn't depress me in the least.
I know I'm fortunate for finding love at all. As cliche as that may sound(and I always thought it was bullshit), everything that has happened has made me feel emotions I've NEVER felt, nor emotions I thought that I even had in me. The whole family thing I wrote, was an example of why I never found it easy or relevant to share my feelings with others. I've had experiences opening up to others, only to have them walk away-and you know what, that sucks donkey balls-but fuck, really-if it happens, it happens. And if someone is truly your friend, then they won't walk away.
I find comfort in knkwoing that hey, at least Erin and I are talking about things, instead of hating each other-and shutting the other off. I don't think it wil get to that point either. Again, Erin is the only woman I've ever been in love with, and I can;t blame or hate her for whateever she feels. To do so, would make myself a hypocrit-and that would probable mean, that the feelings I've shared with her weren't valid. Does that make any sense?
I don't know, I rambling I guess.
The weird thing is, I know I've lived previous lives, and goen through similair events. I think, mayhaps it's bogus to some of you readers(at least those that have been patient enough to go through and read all of this mumbo jumbo and typos), that I'm living this life now-to correct mistakes of my past or past lives-or experience what I should have learned in former lives.
As corny as it may sound- I think there's far to much to learn about our souls in one lifetime, and that we're given the opportunity to learn from our mistakes in new lives.
I've never doubted that for a second, and that comforts me. It weirds a lot of people out-but then again, I don't share my philosophy of life with to many people either.
So, whatever you think, so be it...I'm growing tired, and think i should go to bed soon
If you got this far, thanks for reading my blabbering and random thoughts. I'm by no means a writer, or organized in thought-but writing in this journal helps me clear my head.
Peace out...
And I fear, for those of you that have little or no patience, much like myself...you may not want to read on, as I'm begining to rant and babble about my life, or life itself in general.
I've had so much time to my self lately, more than I've been used to over the past year or so. And, as it seems-some times have been more painful than others.
I think about my life, and where I was five years ago, ten years ago, etc. And to be honest, I've changed so much over the course of my lifetime. And it's to be expected of course, everyone changes over the years-hell, it's only human to change.
When I think about how I grew up, moving all about over the U.S., I find myself lucky. Granted, at the time I absolutely hated it. I hated moving(still do), I hated being the new kid, I hated making new friends, etc. Fuck, it's hard man-being the new kid so many times. But, when I think about it, I wasn't alone-my sister went through the same shit I did-as did my parents.
When I was ten, my parents decided to get separated. My dad, who was a major ass at the time(or so I thought), decided that my mother wasn't the right person for him. To help herself, my mother decided to move me and my sis, to New Mexico-away from him, and the stress of everything. I was really to young to understand-and blamed both of them for the pain it caused me and my sis. I feel like shit, because my sister and I took it out on my mom when we moved.
I hated everything, the move, the town, the school. I was so lonely then. And, as time passed-I tended to not trust or let anyone in close to me. I guess, thinking that my parents had let me down-I pushed everyone away.
As the years passed, my parents got back together-but I was different then. I still had this trust thing, and, I still rejected most of everything. Come to find out, so did my sister. Who, at one point during our course of living in New Mexico, she attempted suicide.
Needless to say, neither one of my parents know, nor does my sister-that I knew thios occured. I hated my sister for that, for that decision to take her own life. I've always thought that suicide is one of the greediest things to do to one's family and friends-and I still think so.
We all moved to California, the L.A. area, to start a new life. And I absolutely hated that. Being born and raised in Iowa, the culture shock of being in New Mexico and California was causing me to break down. We all hated it really, California for us, was pure hell-chaos, and dread.
We all thought it best to leave. Though, I guess in retrospect, it wasn't my sister's or mine decision to move-but I think, well, I know my parents knew we hated it. We decided to move back to Iowa, but, as it seems, my uncle here in Wisconsin offered my father a job here in Madison. He accepted, and we moved here.
During the whole move, my dad was a complete ass. I hated him, as did my sister, and even my mother I think. Come to find out a few years later-he had a thyroid problem, causing dramatic mood swings, and emotional outbursts, that when they occured, didn't make sense to any of us.
My dad has gotten medical help since he found out some years ago, and seems to be fine. But, when I reflect upon everything(mind you, everything isn't outlined in this journal entry), I realize that through the years, rarely, have any of us-spoken our true feelings to each other, about anything of personal importance.
We get along fine, but it's almost like we pretend to be happy about ourselves and our family. I love my family, don;t get me wrong-but over the years, I've grown distant and impersonal with all of them. We're still, very social and friendly. We hang out once or twice a month, and I enjoy it. But we still, never talk about our emotions or feelings.
Until recently, I've been distant from them-but, with this Erin thing(sorry to bring that up again), my mother and I have actually had some descent conversations about my feelings, her feelings on the matter-and it's made me feel fantastic.
My mother is incredibly loving, and very helpful. As I tell here about Erin, what she's going through, and emotionally, what I'm going through, I see a positive side to everything. I'm actually starting to share myself more.
Erin and I talked agin last night, about everything-and I hate to say it, but we both started crying again. Fuck, it's been hard for me. But, I'm taking it all day by day. And I explained to her-as much as it hurt to say, that I love her still-regardless of whether or not she decides she never wants to see me again.
I've gotten advice from a few female friends(as I think most males would not give me proper advice), and all of them think, that I'm spending to much time thinking about it, or even being with Erin as little as I am right now. And I'll admit, I'm greedy for wanting to be with her for those few hours. But, her company still comforts me.
We talked about how we enjoy spending time with each other, and how confused we both are. And we cry some more, and I can sympathize to a certain extent of what she's going through right now. I can dismiss it as an age difference, but really, age has nothing to do with it. It's all a state of mind.
That little incident with my blackout at a party some months ago, I finally admitted to Erin Last night-was what the doctor's believed to be a 'panic attack'. I didn't tell Erin, or anyone else about the panic attack thing, because, and this is only theory of course, they think that because of the stress I was putting myself through that day before the incident occured, is what caused it all. What was the stress you ask? Well, we were to go to a party at her friend's house. I knew, that evryone that was going to be there, or, almost everyone there-was married. So, as stupid as it was, I was stressing out all day about the thought of Erin and I being married, or the thought that, 'Hey, this is what it's going to be like when we're married'-and I kept running that through my head, and panicking about it. I decided I would go regardless, because this is what Erin wanted to do.
Not an hour in to the party, boom, I pass out for 10 to 15 minutes locked in the bathroom, only to find myself waking up, blurry vision and all- with blood and my head in the bathtub. I never would have put two and two together, had I not talked about it with the doctor. Though, again it's only theory, but it seems to make sense.
I hid that conversation from Erin, until last night. Why did I tell her last night. Well, one, I wanted to get it off my chest finally-and two, I thought that at least, let her know she wasn;t alone with the doubts she was having. I mean, for a few weeks after the blackout incident, I kind of shut myself down thinking about what I wanted, was Erin who I truly loved-or wanted to spend the rest of my time with. And, after that few weeks of mental shut down(really not a shut down, just kind of a off course journey), i realized that yeah, yeah she was the one I truly loved, and wanted to be with.
So, again-as I find myself repeating in my journal entries-everything has been hard to deal with-and each day seems to rollercoaster up and down with emotions.
We talked for quite a while last night, and cried again some more to(fuck, I've cried a lot lately), and parted ways again. But, we were both smiling at the same time.
We said some things that had to be said-and I think, honestly now-I've gotten everything off my chest. I admitted to her last night, that yeah-I HOPED we would get back together, but NO, I didn't expect it to happen either. I can;t expect it to happen-and really, I shouldn't hope either. I don't want to be let down, or disappointed. So really, I've decided just to take it day by day.
I can;t expect anything, nor worry about things I can't control. I can only be honest with myself, and Erin. That's all I can do.
Man my journal entires have been pure sap lately, sorry.
I guess what I'm saying is, since I'm a huge believer in fate-I'll just let whatever happens, happen. I don;t think I could honestly date or see anyone right now, but that doesn't depress me in the least.
I know I'm fortunate for finding love at all. As cliche as that may sound(and I always thought it was bullshit), everything that has happened has made me feel emotions I've NEVER felt, nor emotions I thought that I even had in me. The whole family thing I wrote, was an example of why I never found it easy or relevant to share my feelings with others. I've had experiences opening up to others, only to have them walk away-and you know what, that sucks donkey balls-but fuck, really-if it happens, it happens. And if someone is truly your friend, then they won't walk away.
I find comfort in knkwoing that hey, at least Erin and I are talking about things, instead of hating each other-and shutting the other off. I don't think it wil get to that point either. Again, Erin is the only woman I've ever been in love with, and I can;t blame or hate her for whateever she feels. To do so, would make myself a hypocrit-and that would probable mean, that the feelings I've shared with her weren't valid. Does that make any sense?
I don't know, I rambling I guess.
The weird thing is, I know I've lived previous lives, and goen through similair events. I think, mayhaps it's bogus to some of you readers(at least those that have been patient enough to go through and read all of this mumbo jumbo and typos), that I'm living this life now-to correct mistakes of my past or past lives-or experience what I should have learned in former lives.
As corny as it may sound- I think there's far to much to learn about our souls in one lifetime, and that we're given the opportunity to learn from our mistakes in new lives.
I've never doubted that for a second, and that comforts me. It weirds a lot of people out-but then again, I don't share my philosophy of life with to many people either.
So, whatever you think, so be it...I'm growing tired, and think i should go to bed soon
If you got this far, thanks for reading my blabbering and random thoughts. I'm by no means a writer, or organized in thought-but writing in this journal helps me clear my head.
Peace out...
goodnight