horrordarling

"girlfriend in a coma, i know, i know. it's serious."

i'm so fed up right now. sorry, i know this journal has not been a positive thing to read, but in all reality, it's my only place to vent (i thought that was what significant others were for. i was wrong).

it feels like i'm having some sort of life crisis every few months. i'm probably bipolar or mentally screwed. i just self destruct every other month, it seems. i'm thinking about dropping out of college (again). i've dropped out more semesters than i've actually attended. even if i wanted to stay in school, i've been absent so often that i'd be fucked anyway. and the worse part is that i think i intentionally set myself up for defeat. that's how deviant i am.

i can't work and go to school full time. i used to be able to swing it; i don't know what happened. i feel like i'm on melt down. then i start asking myself ridiculous questions with even more absurd answers.

do i really need to finish college?

no. only people who want to work for someone else go to college. bill gates didn't graduate from college. movie stars don't go to college. fucking rock stars don't go to college.

see what i mean. i have seriously flawed logic sometimes. seriously. flawed.

i live with my boyfriend. we both don't have jobs that we want as "careers". i can't work in a bank for the rest of my life, i can't even imagine doing it for another week. i get paid justenough to make ends meet. forget the fantasy of owning a home and having children (okay, having children really isn't a fantasy...more of a nightmare really. i just felt obliged to say it. ha. humor. whatever.) everyone has dreams of grandeur, right? everyone wants everything, and no one ever gets it.

maybe i have a defeatist attitude. maybe i'm not optimistic enough. maybe i'm too damn whiny. maybe i'm making myself the victim.

whatever it is, i need to get a grip on it.

it's hard when you start to doubt yourself, because everythng starts piling on. anything that i've ever worked towards seems so distant or not worth the effort.

people make due with what they have given their situation, and some do exceed. i really admire people like that.

the gal that cuts dan's hair has a seventh grade education. she owns a house and has a son. she doesn't work for supercuts or great clips. she owns her own place. she works for herself. she's lived in new york, canada, san francisco... she's a very awesome person, and it seems she's led an interesting life.

i always ask myself why i can't do something like that. what's keeping me from doing anything? any disadvantage i feel like i've had, she has already overcome.

when i hear about people working for themselves or doing what they love, it's so amazing to me.

i feel like i've sold my soul to the bank. that i've compromised what i want for some sense of security: for paid vacation, full benefits, company picnics, and 401k options. i can't blame myself for wanting those things or having those things--but i also want to dress the way i want to dress, look the way i want to look, and be able to say the things i want to say.

i feel like i'm losing myself more and more everyday. i don't know who i am anymore. i have so many personalities suited for different occaisions that i just feel fake. i'm this uber nice girl at work, a different person when i'm at home with dan, different with his parents, different with my family. and i have no clue who i am when i'm alone.

when i'm alone i feel numb. like i don't really know what's going on. like i'm in a coma, waiting to come-to...

i'm sorry if you took the time to read through all of this. i just needed to blow off steam.

.x.