I look back over the last seven years, and I see a lot has happened since I joined the Army. I've grown a lot, changed in a lot of ways I never would have expected. Having been deployed to Iraq on three seperate occasions now I feel a kind of schism within me. Another ME has endured this pain and suffering, and I believe the experience has left him a little less than human. Dispossessed, dispassionate, and almost heartless.
In order to cope with all of the things I've seen, and done, I created a sort of psychic partition within my mind. A wall that separates my home, my family, and my loved ones from what I see as the "rest of the world". A world I've come to see as incredibly ugly, and dangerous. Almost evil. The corruption and perversions I see on a daily basis are almost more than I can stand. I've seen so many people abuse thier power, or position that bureaucracy sickens me. When I am able, I'm going to shatter my bonds, and reconcile with this growing monster I now feel residing within me. I've come to recognize the change in myself, and can even recognize when the "shift" occurs and I slip on what I've come to term my "battle armor".
The armor has a mask. A face that looks a lot like mine, but has no capacity for love, or compassion for those who it deems weak. I hate it, and I don't want to wear it anymore. It reminds me of the song, "Monster" by Skillet. I know I'll carry it with me for the rest of my life. Hopefully I can find a way to keep it somewhere I won't really notice it. Like the garage.
