Warning: Not for the judgemental:
Also, this is something i'm adding to my 3 year standing journal for my personal reasons:
Also, this is something i'm adding to my 3 year standing journal for my personal reasons:
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
From: Ryan
Subject: an explaination of my behavior
Body: i feel i have to explain myself to you because you have always been such a good friend to me. the initial reason for me getting upset is the false pretense on which i came to town. i had no plans of coming to dayton this weekend. as you know, i don't even like football. secondly, as much as i care about donny and those guys, i truely have very little in common with them anymore. it is sad, actually-but i digress.
now you know i would do you a favor, anything you ask really. but mike did not call me saturday morning and say: "hey chan, would mind coming to town and hooking amber and i up with some shit. we want to have some to do together." he instead called me and said: "hey chan, why don't you come back to dayton tonight and we will go get some dope and get high all day for the super bowl on sunday." so i got my mom to pick me up and bring me all the way out there on the premise that we were going to get dope and do it together....he made no mention that you were paying for it, but even as we were going to get it, he explained that he would have two caps and you would have two caps, and that he would be sharing his half with me. so, hopefully you can imagine my surprise when the next day i was told by him that you weren't sharing it with me. i had assumed that he told you that the dope was the only reason i came to town-and surely that merrits a little generosity.....BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT PUT ME IN SUCH A FUNK ON SUNDAY!!!!!! NO! The real problem is that as soon as i woke up Mike began accusing me of stealing dope out of your capsules! He went on and on about how he knew i had taken some, yadayada yada...and when i promised him i had not, he said only "don't worry man, im not mad." and i thought what fucking nerve!! you aren't mad?! i am mad that my best friend thinks i am a thief. and even at that point he was saying "i just don't understand why you would steal it when i am going to share it with you"-which , of course he didnt.
He made other comments about my character that night in front of the other guys...i am sorry to say that this weekend i got an honest glimpse of what mike really thinks of me. i also want to inform you-with some sadness-that i dont think ill be seeing too much of you anymore...because i no longer consider mike a friend. he threw it in my face how much you guys have done for me-and you have done things for me----but you know, i have done some things for him too, things that require effort. his life has been handed to him and money and objects are of little concern to him, i have given him my time and gone out of my way for him---i cant imagine the last time he happily went out of his way for me for anything. he lives in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction with his life and is constantly negative...i have always stood by him as a friend, but i now believe that he cares little to nothing about me and considers me a thief and a liar....i dont need frinds like that. thanks for the kindness you have shown me over the years....i really mean that------bye
RE: an explaination of my behavior
Body: Ryan, I'm sorry you feel this way. I will always consider you a friend regardless and I hope both you and Mike can somehow find it in your hearts to overcome this.
From what I was told, Mike said you called and asked what was going on over the weekend and he said you should come hang out with him and you guys could do some dope on Sunday. I think he was less concerned about the dope and just really wanted to hang out with you. I had mentioned it to Mike before you were even in town that, next time you were in town, and since we usually pick you up from Al's that maybe we could go ahead and get some dope since you'd probably be over there anyway to say Hi to Al. I guess it never occured to us that you were going out of your way to get it for us...and if we'd known that we would have never asked you to get some. I'm sure you know that I buy practically everything in this relationship. I'm clearly very generous and i have no problems with sharing anything as money isnt really important to me, we werent intentionaly not sharing with you, it was just that Mike wasnt in the mood to do it Sunday (he gets wierd about doing dope, and it might have even had to do something with him thinking you pinched from ours although he never gave me a reason. Honestly.) so I just said "fine, lets just save it till you are in the mood". I guess it never occured to me that it I should just give you some since we ourselevs wernt even doing any. (Mike later informed me that you told him it was the proper thing to do when someone picks up dope for you) If we did decided to do some that evening you can rest assured we'd most certinally share it with you! I will admit I was a little taken back when you asked if you could have some of mine as it seemed a strange thing to ask since we wernt even doing any and because I had seen how much you had in your cap and I couldnt understand why you want some of mine since you had so much anyway. I was sad when I found out you were angry with me for not giving you any, and I did feel bad, like a bad friend, so when Mike came back inside I have him some to give to you. From my standpoint, it wasnt anything worth fighting about and have you be angry with me over. I'm veryyy very sensitive and it doesnt take much to hurt my feelings. I really try my best to be nice and generous with everyone and i dont like people being upset with me, but I was a little bit angry for a short bit of time because I bought it, wanted to save it, and i felt it was my right to do with it as i pleased. I don't know what Mike had promised you out of the deal, but Please know, Mike didnt pay for it. If he had, it would have been his decision as to what he wanted to do with it. I think he often forgets that my money, regardless of how generous i am with it and him, is not his money. Him fighting with you was probably just because he was standing up for me.
As for the accusation of you pinching some of the stuff out of our capsules, please try to see it from what we saw. You told Mike on Saturday when he picked you up that you were getting one capsule for yourself. Both Mike and Hook had said they noticed you in the back seat messing around with the capsules the entire drive to drop off Hook. Mike told me he asked you what you were doing and you said "dont worry" so Mike asked you for the caps and you told him you'd give them to him when you guys got somewhere. Later on after getting out of the car you told him you were just looking to see which cap had the most in it. No offence, but that does look kinda iffy. So whatever, Mike told me he believed you until he woke up the next morning after hearing you up all night doing dope. I'll admit, this was probably wrong of him, but when you got in the shower he looked in your cigg package and saw your capsule and saw that there was more dope left in that one capsule than was in two of the caps we got combined, he also showed me. Thats why he accused you of pinching ours because in all honestly it really doesnt add it. I do whole heartly apologize if we are wrong and have offended you by asking if you pinched it. No one likes being accused of doing something they didnt do. Mike was just putting it out there and wanted to know because he'd honestly thought you had cheated him.
I think the only reason Mike even brought up that we try to do things to help you out, was not because he was trying to throw in your face, but because you had first told him that you were never going to get us anything again over the silly event that had happened 5 minutes earlier over dope. I think he was just really surprised that you were that angry over it and felt like you were saying that we never do anything for you so you werent going to do anything for us back. Thats it. Shit man, you should hear some of the crap he says to me when we are fighting...talk about some unforgivable shit...seriously.
Mike is a very negitive person, and yes I often think its downright silly most of the time because I think he has a great life and has much to be happy about. I think the constant negitivity is just his personality, espically after talking to his mother and sister about it. I can no longer be angry with him for being so negitive all the time. I try my best to see past it as I love him very much and there is so much more good things to him. He did mention to me that he had been bummed out alot when you were around because he felt as though youve changed a great deal ever since doing heroin. There was a long period of time when you would hang out with him/us and talk a lot of yourself a lot, and we both were getting the impression that you felt as though you were better than most people. It was kind of a bummer. Anyway, I kow that probably pisses you off that i'm saying, but it is the impression we were getting from all the things you'd say. I've never told Mike this, but I'll even go as far as to say that it personally affected me alot when you were always telling Mike he deserved better because, in my feeble insecure silly little mind, made me feel as though you were telling him his life was shit and he could do better in every retrospect...Like I said though, I never told him i felt that way, and more than likely he never got that impression. Thats just coming strait from me and thats how I felt for a long peroid of time.
Anyway, I think Mike missed how you two used to get along. Please know though that that whole "thing" didnt last that long, and Mike even feels that the past few months have been different and he felt like you were "back to the old Chan." I also think he worries a lot about you, more then he'll ever admit to me or anyone else. Mikes emotions often turn into negitivity and anger, weather its sadness, dissapointment, or whatever. He has a hard time being honest with his feelings and sharing them and letting other people see them. I think this is what you've been seeing out of him.
Bah, I dunno Chan. This whole thing seems a little silly to me. I mean, i've gotten in fights with friends before and they all seriously suck and my feelings have been hurt a lot over terrible mean things that have been said. I've lost friends over fights, but i really feel like the bond between you and Mike is far stronger than THIS. I hate how i feel like THIS has all happend over dope. A drug shouldnt cause this many problems between friends.
Anyway I'm sorry this bullshit even had to happen. I'm sorry Mike said so many mean things to you. Trust me, of all people in this world, I know exactly how you feel.
-Amber
From: Ryan
Subject: an explaination of my behavior
Body: i feel i have to explain myself to you because you have always been such a good friend to me. the initial reason for me getting upset is the false pretense on which i came to town. i had no plans of coming to dayton this weekend. as you know, i don't even like football. secondly, as much as i care about donny and those guys, i truely have very little in common with them anymore. it is sad, actually-but i digress.
now you know i would do you a favor, anything you ask really. but mike did not call me saturday morning and say: "hey chan, would mind coming to town and hooking amber and i up with some shit. we want to have some to do together." he instead called me and said: "hey chan, why don't you come back to dayton tonight and we will go get some dope and get high all day for the super bowl on sunday." so i got my mom to pick me up and bring me all the way out there on the premise that we were going to get dope and do it together....he made no mention that you were paying for it, but even as we were going to get it, he explained that he would have two caps and you would have two caps, and that he would be sharing his half with me. so, hopefully you can imagine my surprise when the next day i was told by him that you weren't sharing it with me. i had assumed that he told you that the dope was the only reason i came to town-and surely that merrits a little generosity.....BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT PUT ME IN SUCH A FUNK ON SUNDAY!!!!!! NO! The real problem is that as soon as i woke up Mike began accusing me of stealing dope out of your capsules! He went on and on about how he knew i had taken some, yadayada yada...and when i promised him i had not, he said only "don't worry man, im not mad." and i thought what fucking nerve!! you aren't mad?! i am mad that my best friend thinks i am a thief. and even at that point he was saying "i just don't understand why you would steal it when i am going to share it with you"-which , of course he didnt.
He made other comments about my character that night in front of the other guys...i am sorry to say that this weekend i got an honest glimpse of what mike really thinks of me. i also want to inform you-with some sadness-that i dont think ill be seeing too much of you anymore...because i no longer consider mike a friend. he threw it in my face how much you guys have done for me-and you have done things for me----but you know, i have done some things for him too, things that require effort. his life has been handed to him and money and objects are of little concern to him, i have given him my time and gone out of my way for him---i cant imagine the last time he happily went out of his way for me for anything. he lives in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction with his life and is constantly negative...i have always stood by him as a friend, but i now believe that he cares little to nothing about me and considers me a thief and a liar....i dont need frinds like that. thanks for the kindness you have shown me over the years....i really mean that------bye
RE: an explaination of my behavior
Body: Ryan, I'm sorry you feel this way. I will always consider you a friend regardless and I hope both you and Mike can somehow find it in your hearts to overcome this.
From what I was told, Mike said you called and asked what was going on over the weekend and he said you should come hang out with him and you guys could do some dope on Sunday. I think he was less concerned about the dope and just really wanted to hang out with you. I had mentioned it to Mike before you were even in town that, next time you were in town, and since we usually pick you up from Al's that maybe we could go ahead and get some dope since you'd probably be over there anyway to say Hi to Al. I guess it never occured to us that you were going out of your way to get it for us...and if we'd known that we would have never asked you to get some. I'm sure you know that I buy practically everything in this relationship. I'm clearly very generous and i have no problems with sharing anything as money isnt really important to me, we werent intentionaly not sharing with you, it was just that Mike wasnt in the mood to do it Sunday (he gets wierd about doing dope, and it might have even had to do something with him thinking you pinched from ours although he never gave me a reason. Honestly.) so I just said "fine, lets just save it till you are in the mood". I guess it never occured to me that it I should just give you some since we ourselevs wernt even doing any. (Mike later informed me that you told him it was the proper thing to do when someone picks up dope for you) If we did decided to do some that evening you can rest assured we'd most certinally share it with you! I will admit I was a little taken back when you asked if you could have some of mine as it seemed a strange thing to ask since we wernt even doing any and because I had seen how much you had in your cap and I couldnt understand why you want some of mine since you had so much anyway. I was sad when I found out you were angry with me for not giving you any, and I did feel bad, like a bad friend, so when Mike came back inside I have him some to give to you. From my standpoint, it wasnt anything worth fighting about and have you be angry with me over. I'm veryyy very sensitive and it doesnt take much to hurt my feelings. I really try my best to be nice and generous with everyone and i dont like people being upset with me, but I was a little bit angry for a short bit of time because I bought it, wanted to save it, and i felt it was my right to do with it as i pleased. I don't know what Mike had promised you out of the deal, but Please know, Mike didnt pay for it. If he had, it would have been his decision as to what he wanted to do with it. I think he often forgets that my money, regardless of how generous i am with it and him, is not his money. Him fighting with you was probably just because he was standing up for me.
As for the accusation of you pinching some of the stuff out of our capsules, please try to see it from what we saw. You told Mike on Saturday when he picked you up that you were getting one capsule for yourself. Both Mike and Hook had said they noticed you in the back seat messing around with the capsules the entire drive to drop off Hook. Mike told me he asked you what you were doing and you said "dont worry" so Mike asked you for the caps and you told him you'd give them to him when you guys got somewhere. Later on after getting out of the car you told him you were just looking to see which cap had the most in it. No offence, but that does look kinda iffy. So whatever, Mike told me he believed you until he woke up the next morning after hearing you up all night doing dope. I'll admit, this was probably wrong of him, but when you got in the shower he looked in your cigg package and saw your capsule and saw that there was more dope left in that one capsule than was in two of the caps we got combined, he also showed me. Thats why he accused you of pinching ours because in all honestly it really doesnt add it. I do whole heartly apologize if we are wrong and have offended you by asking if you pinched it. No one likes being accused of doing something they didnt do. Mike was just putting it out there and wanted to know because he'd honestly thought you had cheated him.
I think the only reason Mike even brought up that we try to do things to help you out, was not because he was trying to throw in your face, but because you had first told him that you were never going to get us anything again over the silly event that had happened 5 minutes earlier over dope. I think he was just really surprised that you were that angry over it and felt like you were saying that we never do anything for you so you werent going to do anything for us back. Thats it. Shit man, you should hear some of the crap he says to me when we are fighting...talk about some unforgivable shit...seriously.
Mike is a very negitive person, and yes I often think its downright silly most of the time because I think he has a great life and has much to be happy about. I think the constant negitivity is just his personality, espically after talking to his mother and sister about it. I can no longer be angry with him for being so negitive all the time. I try my best to see past it as I love him very much and there is so much more good things to him. He did mention to me that he had been bummed out alot when you were around because he felt as though youve changed a great deal ever since doing heroin. There was a long period of time when you would hang out with him/us and talk a lot of yourself a lot, and we both were getting the impression that you felt as though you were better than most people. It was kind of a bummer. Anyway, I kow that probably pisses you off that i'm saying, but it is the impression we were getting from all the things you'd say. I've never told Mike this, but I'll even go as far as to say that it personally affected me alot when you were always telling Mike he deserved better because, in my feeble insecure silly little mind, made me feel as though you were telling him his life was shit and he could do better in every retrospect...Like I said though, I never told him i felt that way, and more than likely he never got that impression. Thats just coming strait from me and thats how I felt for a long peroid of time.
Anyway, I think Mike missed how you two used to get along. Please know though that that whole "thing" didnt last that long, and Mike even feels that the past few months have been different and he felt like you were "back to the old Chan." I also think he worries a lot about you, more then he'll ever admit to me or anyone else. Mikes emotions often turn into negitivity and anger, weather its sadness, dissapointment, or whatever. He has a hard time being honest with his feelings and sharing them and letting other people see them. I think this is what you've been seeing out of him.
Bah, I dunno Chan. This whole thing seems a little silly to me. I mean, i've gotten in fights with friends before and they all seriously suck and my feelings have been hurt a lot over terrible mean things that have been said. I've lost friends over fights, but i really feel like the bond between you and Mike is far stronger than THIS. I hate how i feel like THIS has all happend over dope. A drug shouldnt cause this many problems between friends.
Anyway I'm sorry this bullshit even had to happen. I'm sorry Mike said so many mean things to you. Trust me, of all people in this world, I know exactly how you feel.
-Amber
So yea. Thats that.
aHHHHhhh Why do my coworkers have to bring in donuts?? They are soo yummy and irresistible yet I feel absolutely guilty and terrible about eating them. Its really horrible! Go away evil donuts!
So my friend, or rather Mikes friend, Ryan wrote me back this morning. What he wrote back was pretty stupid and mean. So I wrote another letter back to him and all it said was Okay, fair enough. Fuck it. He can be angry and delusional all he wants.
So Mike, damn him, set up a double date with one of his new friends and his wife for tonight. I am seriously bummed out about this. He made a reservation at this trendy sushi place in the Oregon District. Poooey. I like this guy and I like his wife and all, but I was really looking forward to staying in tonight. 
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
weep...
weep...
i've gotten banned from the mac group.
geeeez crise... i was really annoyed with someone and made a stupid comment... i'm retarded. ...and life goes on... so wholly guacamole... i knew your infiniti speaker was facked, now this other shite... brutal. can't a woman just sit, do some junk, and watch a movie anymore, lol.
ugh, i have like a gazillion things to do... i need to get moving... it's like 3:15, lol. someone was up a little passed his bedtime last night and got into trouble...
asiago is one of my favorite cheeses.... mmmmm. and i have a new love of big green olives stuffed with jalapenos, pronounced ja la pa nooooooooos
there's a funneh show on the National Geographic Network called Wild Sex, so they're showing all kinds of creatures gettin it on... pretty funneh... the lead-ins have porno music and stuff, lol like i just heard transvestite serpent orgy in one sentence... that's impressive.
mmmm.... deep dish pizza, gaaahhhhhhh...