Two updates so close together! Wow! I really must not have anything to do in Florida. [Ain't that the truth]
I arrived at my parents' home at midnight Monday/Tuesday and have not exactly seen the light of day since. Aside from the fact that the place is shuttered up due to hurricane season, it has been grey and unplesant every time I've had the chance to set foot outside the house. And setting foot outside has thusfar been going to temple for Rosh hashana services yesterday followed by lunch and dinner with the family, here.
My grandfather only worsens as the time wears on. I respect his wishes and force myself to put on a happy face and act like nothing can upset me when I am around him, but he could hardly get out of the car at the house. He is at the hospital almost every day. After Sunday, I'm supposed to be up in New York untill Thanksgiving and every fiber of my being says that I'll have to come back before then to attend a funeral and sit shiva. I don't write this here for sympathy, I just need a place to put it down so I can look my grandfather in the eye without breaking down. I'm headed to my grandparents' apartment tomorrow so I can spend the day with my grandmother.
Over the past few years, I haven't been so close to the two of them. I don't want to point fingers as to who was at the root of our problems. It could have been me from all the hair dye, and the piercings, the holes in my face. It could have been my grandfather's silly sense of knowing what was the best for me, even if it meant that I would have to sacrifice what it was I wanted to do. It could have been my grandmother's abject fear of being around me the way I dressed and acted. I could have just been my moodiness. I am the only grandchild they have by blood, and all around, there was a general feeling of a lack of good will.
In the past few months, I have been trying to be the model grand child. I take time out of my life to come and be with them. I call them often, almost every day. I want to let them be a part of my life, as much as they want to be a part of it. But, it's hard. My grandfather is so near the end that I can't look at him most of the time. This man that was practically a father to me for so many years is now a shell of what he used to be, a grey creature from the black lagoon look alike. And all I want is to be as close to him as I can, but every time I get close, I have to retreat.
The silver lining to this very black storm cloud has been the support I've been getting from friends. visionfromacrash has been there for me as much as possible, what with his being out of the country and DarthLunchbox has been such a good ear and shoulder to cry on that we've discussed method of payment for all of his time I've taken up.
I think I need something else in my life other than my family and hockey...
I arrived at my parents' home at midnight Monday/Tuesday and have not exactly seen the light of day since. Aside from the fact that the place is shuttered up due to hurricane season, it has been grey and unplesant every time I've had the chance to set foot outside the house. And setting foot outside has thusfar been going to temple for Rosh hashana services yesterday followed by lunch and dinner with the family, here.
My grandfather only worsens as the time wears on. I respect his wishes and force myself to put on a happy face and act like nothing can upset me when I am around him, but he could hardly get out of the car at the house. He is at the hospital almost every day. After Sunday, I'm supposed to be up in New York untill Thanksgiving and every fiber of my being says that I'll have to come back before then to attend a funeral and sit shiva. I don't write this here for sympathy, I just need a place to put it down so I can look my grandfather in the eye without breaking down. I'm headed to my grandparents' apartment tomorrow so I can spend the day with my grandmother.
Over the past few years, I haven't been so close to the two of them. I don't want to point fingers as to who was at the root of our problems. It could have been me from all the hair dye, and the piercings, the holes in my face. It could have been my grandfather's silly sense of knowing what was the best for me, even if it meant that I would have to sacrifice what it was I wanted to do. It could have been my grandmother's abject fear of being around me the way I dressed and acted. I could have just been my moodiness. I am the only grandchild they have by blood, and all around, there was a general feeling of a lack of good will.
In the past few months, I have been trying to be the model grand child. I take time out of my life to come and be with them. I call them often, almost every day. I want to let them be a part of my life, as much as they want to be a part of it. But, it's hard. My grandfather is so near the end that I can't look at him most of the time. This man that was practically a father to me for so many years is now a shell of what he used to be, a grey creature from the black lagoon look alike. And all I want is to be as close to him as I can, but every time I get close, I have to retreat.
The silver lining to this very black storm cloud has been the support I've been getting from friends. visionfromacrash has been there for me as much as possible, what with his being out of the country and DarthLunchbox has been such a good ear and shoulder to cry on that we've discussed method of payment for all of his time I've taken up.
I think I need something else in my life other than my family and hockey...
[Edited on Oct 06, 2005 5:54AM]