My Bi Polar disorder has been getting the better of me this week, I feel more alone, isolated and retched than ever, each day this week I have been finding it hard to get up, and even harder to go to bed, it feels so big and cold crawling in to it on my own, each day I wake up thinking things like I should call Thom, or spend more time with my nephew, or call Yasmin and see how she is doing with her broken arm, but each time I go to call them or spend time with them I just don't. 
I've never understood why people want to be friends with me, I'm selfish and too wrapped up in my own problems to give anyone any time, yet every night I go to sleep wishing I had someone close to me, someone who could read my moods and know just what was needed to be done to make things alright, maybe it's because I always hide when I get like this or maybe it's because I have gotten so good at pretending things are ok when people are about that I've never found anyone who could handle things or see when I am only putting on a show for others.
I guess Valentine's day didn't help, did you know I have only ever had one girlfriend over Valentine's day, that was Yasmin, we dated when I was 17, I saved up for months and on the day I had my friend Martin take her out while I covered our flat in 1000 white roses (her favourite) and set a romantic picnic on the bedroom floor, my plan was to make her swoon, but when she got in and saw what I had done she got angry because all she had got me was a new rear tire for my bike, the argument got so bad that the flowers and the food got thrown away and we didn't speak for three days, since then Valentine's day has been a day to forget for me.
It seems such a shallow holiday if you ask me, why would you need a special day to say 'I love you' to the person you shear your life with? If you are lucky enough to have someone you should be saying it every day, no?
I feel so lost
I've never understood why people want to be friends with me, I'm selfish and too wrapped up in my own problems to give anyone any time, yet every night I go to sleep wishing I had someone close to me, someone who could read my moods and know just what was needed to be done to make things alright, maybe it's because I always hide when I get like this or maybe it's because I have gotten so good at pretending things are ok when people are about that I've never found anyone who could handle things or see when I am only putting on a show for others.
I guess Valentine's day didn't help, did you know I have only ever had one girlfriend over Valentine's day, that was Yasmin, we dated when I was 17, I saved up for months and on the day I had my friend Martin take her out while I covered our flat in 1000 white roses (her favourite) and set a romantic picnic on the bedroom floor, my plan was to make her swoon, but when she got in and saw what I had done she got angry because all she had got me was a new rear tire for my bike, the argument got so bad that the flowers and the food got thrown away and we didn't speak for three days, since then Valentine's day has been a day to forget for me.
It seems such a shallow holiday if you ask me, why would you need a special day to say 'I love you' to the person you shear your life with? If you are lucky enough to have someone you should be saying it every day, no?
I feel so lost
I also know what it is like to not want to be a burden on others and think that they are getting tired of my problems. Especially when they do not understand. When it gets a hold of you it does not want to let go and you have to fight like hell. I also pretend all the time. Even lie to my therapist sometimes.
Just keep trudging through! And know that things will eventually turn around. I will keep you in my thoughts.
that valentines day story is aweful, i would love to have such a surprise, and i couldnt get angry with something like that, not even in 3985473 years!
some healing kissess
i hope they cross the pacific and get there as soon as posible