Let me start this entry by using a lyric from a portishead song.
" Would you betray yourself?"
My answer to that is yes, yes Beth Ggibbons (singer of portishead), evidently I would. Yet again my SG nation, I have fucked up what was meant to be a good time.
This is how it all started: Its friday, and the Lost boy has invited me out on a date!! Yyes, a real date, so ofcourse I buy new jeans, and a new slutty top-it was a classy sort of slut top though- and I get all dolled up, and I go out to meet him. It was intended to be a double date, with me,the lost boy, his homie, and his homies new crush from work. The four of us all meet at this comedy club in town. I have never been to one before, and I have not really hung out with the lost boy and his peeps before so I was very nervous. When offered a drink I declined, but when assured I would not need to drive I said "why the hell not." The resat of the evening I drank vodka and diet coke, and was in a very fuzzy happy mood, but things got sour fast when the show was over, and the other girl there wanted the four of us to go clubbing. I was all for it. I was having fun, and feeling pretty comfortable, which always surprises me since people make me nervous if I think too much when I am around them. Though it was a date, I didn't really think or see the lost boy trying to put the "moves" on me or whatever-I am already his girl, so I just thought this was a non chalant sort of affiar. When the lost boy on the drive there joked with me about having a little competition about who could score the most digits from people I took him for serious and set forth to return the winning. I returned the winner alright. The winner of idiots-the lost boy turned out to be only kidding, and was pretty pissed off that I was spent the whole night talking to a bunch of guys. I explained it was just a mistake but I still think he's mad. I would have not even had played or took him seriously, but he is always taking about women and sex and all this stuff, and so I just was like well, ok fine, you wanna talk to other girls, I will talk to other boys. Truth is guys, I don't want to talk to other boys-I love the lost boy. The only reason I don't get mad when he talks about other girls is I don't really get jelous for one thing, and number two-I know what its like to feel like you can't make a innocent comment about another person of the oppisite sex just because your partner will flip out on you. I don't believe love is sopose to make you feel chained down, so I give all my boys freedom to do or act as they please as long as they are honest, and understand that every action has a reaction-for example if they sleep with another girl, they will not be calling me their girlfriend anymore. A girlfriend for me implies monogomy. Anyway, there was more to the night that went wrong for me-the lost boy did some stuff or more accuretly said some stuff that I didn't really like-I don't want to go into it-when we were out later that night at a diner, after clubbing. Anyway, Ii understand he was drunk but thats not a very good excuse for me really-I mean he didn't seem so drunk he could remember to not be a dick you know, but I don't know. I have defently put my foot in my mouth sober and not sober, so I am not dwelling on it. Anyway, here is where the quote comes in.
Even if I am cool with who the lost boy is , or accecpting of who he is, it doesn't mean I have to follow suit-if that makes any sense. Llike the lost boy is very flirty and playful and thats cool, cuz so am I, but just because he says or does something, I don't need to say something equal to that or do something equal to that-not if thats not really what I want to do. I betrayed myself that night, because if I had stayed true to myself, I would never had agreed to that stupid bet, even if the lost boy turned out to be serious on playing it, and I would of not have to be scolding myself three days later.
The lost boy and have been on "bad" terms for the past few days now. He says he's not mad, but I don't believe him. The shit he did at the diner hurt me, and though I braught it up to him, its besides the point. The point is I don't think he really knows me, and that makes me sad, because then how can he really love me?? He can't. Its my fault though, because for a year, ever since I left the strip joint and quit doing drugs, I have been lost in this space where I am trying to be this person I was growing into being right as I began work there, and this person I use to be ( a much darker person) that I easily fall back into when things are difficult for me to handle. I have tried to explain that to him, to everyone, but actions speak louder then words and my actions don't match what I say. I suck.
Its been a lonley day. No one has returned my calls, I have not called the Lost boy, and I am about to turn off my cell because it is depressing having it on and no little message box to tell me someone called not popping up.
I think I will read now.
PEACE
" Would you betray yourself?"
My answer to that is yes, yes Beth Ggibbons (singer of portishead), evidently I would. Yet again my SG nation, I have fucked up what was meant to be a good time.
This is how it all started: Its friday, and the Lost boy has invited me out on a date!! Yyes, a real date, so ofcourse I buy new jeans, and a new slutty top-it was a classy sort of slut top though- and I get all dolled up, and I go out to meet him. It was intended to be a double date, with me,the lost boy, his homie, and his homies new crush from work. The four of us all meet at this comedy club in town. I have never been to one before, and I have not really hung out with the lost boy and his peeps before so I was very nervous. When offered a drink I declined, but when assured I would not need to drive I said "why the hell not." The resat of the evening I drank vodka and diet coke, and was in a very fuzzy happy mood, but things got sour fast when the show was over, and the other girl there wanted the four of us to go clubbing. I was all for it. I was having fun, and feeling pretty comfortable, which always surprises me since people make me nervous if I think too much when I am around them. Though it was a date, I didn't really think or see the lost boy trying to put the "moves" on me or whatever-I am already his girl, so I just thought this was a non chalant sort of affiar. When the lost boy on the drive there joked with me about having a little competition about who could score the most digits from people I took him for serious and set forth to return the winning. I returned the winner alright. The winner of idiots-the lost boy turned out to be only kidding, and was pretty pissed off that I was spent the whole night talking to a bunch of guys. I explained it was just a mistake but I still think he's mad. I would have not even had played or took him seriously, but he is always taking about women and sex and all this stuff, and so I just was like well, ok fine, you wanna talk to other girls, I will talk to other boys. Truth is guys, I don't want to talk to other boys-I love the lost boy. The only reason I don't get mad when he talks about other girls is I don't really get jelous for one thing, and number two-I know what its like to feel like you can't make a innocent comment about another person of the oppisite sex just because your partner will flip out on you. I don't believe love is sopose to make you feel chained down, so I give all my boys freedom to do or act as they please as long as they are honest, and understand that every action has a reaction-for example if they sleep with another girl, they will not be calling me their girlfriend anymore. A girlfriend for me implies monogomy. Anyway, there was more to the night that went wrong for me-the lost boy did some stuff or more accuretly said some stuff that I didn't really like-I don't want to go into it-when we were out later that night at a diner, after clubbing. Anyway, Ii understand he was drunk but thats not a very good excuse for me really-I mean he didn't seem so drunk he could remember to not be a dick you know, but I don't know. I have defently put my foot in my mouth sober and not sober, so I am not dwelling on it. Anyway, here is where the quote comes in.
Even if I am cool with who the lost boy is , or accecpting of who he is, it doesn't mean I have to follow suit-if that makes any sense. Llike the lost boy is very flirty and playful and thats cool, cuz so am I, but just because he says or does something, I don't need to say something equal to that or do something equal to that-not if thats not really what I want to do. I betrayed myself that night, because if I had stayed true to myself, I would never had agreed to that stupid bet, even if the lost boy turned out to be serious on playing it, and I would of not have to be scolding myself three days later.
The lost boy and have been on "bad" terms for the past few days now. He says he's not mad, but I don't believe him. The shit he did at the diner hurt me, and though I braught it up to him, its besides the point. The point is I don't think he really knows me, and that makes me sad, because then how can he really love me?? He can't. Its my fault though, because for a year, ever since I left the strip joint and quit doing drugs, I have been lost in this space where I am trying to be this person I was growing into being right as I began work there, and this person I use to be ( a much darker person) that I easily fall back into when things are difficult for me to handle. I have tried to explain that to him, to everyone, but actions speak louder then words and my actions don't match what I say. I suck.
Its been a lonley day. No one has returned my calls, I have not called the Lost boy, and I am about to turn off my cell because it is depressing having it on and no little message box to tell me someone called not popping up.
I think I will read now.
PEACE
I hate the drunk excuse. All being drunk does is allow folks to act the way you want to without thinking of the consequences beforehand.
Ah hon, I hope everything works out in the end between you and the lost boy