honeylust

HELLO WORLD!!

So sorry I have not written in so long, I have been going through a lot of stuff and I just needed to lay low, and focus on my life in 3d.

Thanks so much for the comments-it makes me feel better when other people get what I am saying. Some people I talked to totally didn't get why Ii hate seeing ex's, but they are retarded and so I shall not mention them.

Anyway, the ex who called was going into the hospital for surgery, and I thought about calling him to see how he was, but I decided if he needed me again, he'd call, and I didn't have to reach out like that. He asked me to pray for him, and I did/do.Ii have no bad feelings toward the kid at all, and he is one of my fav ex's so, I felt no true anger or question when he called for some support, but Ii also remember why we ended and why we didn't really keep our friendship up either, and I think talking or seeing eachother too much confuses that-like its easy to only see the good in short little spirts of conversation, but I so rememeber why it was the right choice to say good bye.

Anyway,
I have been thinking about ex's a lot. Mainly about the one I had for 4 1/2 years. His name was Robert-we all called him Bob. I lost my virginity to him, and I am glad I did if only for the fact that I think if I lost it to someone I had "in love" feelings for I would have been really devastated by the ending of the relationship and all this other shit.
It was wierd because I can not say I ever really was in love with Bob, maybe a day here and a day there. Let me calrify. I think people go in and out of love all the time. 'In' love is that feeling, that Euphoric, time stops thing. But love, to really love somebody is totally diffrent and requires a lot of different elements-like seeing the person, for who they are inside, for example.
Robert and I had a lot of lies in the relationship. He did a lot of things that should of been cause for me to leave, but I didn't. I did a lot of things that were fucked up, just because I could. It was a totally fucked up affair, and I am very sorry I was a part of it, just because I should of had more integrity then that, but whereever he is, I hope he is better-but for real. I thinnk by the last year together we loved eachother, because we finally knew eachother, but I don't think we were ever really in love or loved eachother to the extent that would of made for a good relationships.

So why have I been thinking of this kid?????

I don't know..just thinking about him, how sad his life was I guess, and how I made it worse. Not so much for the stuff I did, but more because I was a crutch to him. I think I made him think it was ok to live his life like he did, because I stuck around. My best friend said if it wasn't me, it would of been another girl, but I say, then it should of been another girl-I don't want to help people self destruct.

I don't know, I think the whole thing can be chucked down to we were not compatible!! He is very very conventional and Ii am not very conventional at all. Ii mean sure, I want things everyone wants, but I have a totally diffrent way of doing things, and I like that-I'm a bit rebellious, and so I can't do things just because I am told. I need to know why, what is the point, what am I going to gain from it.

Anyway, I gotto go, I shall write later.

PEACE