The tears began today
I cried for sometime today, and perhaps I will cry some more. I need it-I really do. I don't knw how to describe how Ii feel, but I am going to pretend that Ii am far away and that the sg site it my only contact with the world, cuz even if anyone was callin-which they arn't-I would not pick up.
I started making this hug sg collage on my bedroom wall. Iits not completed yet but I am enjoying searching the old archives and snipping and pasting and doing my version of "art". I feel like a paper doll plastic surgeon-ooh that would be a good name of a band.
I am smoking heavy again-I still want to quit, but not today. Today I can not have what I want, and I just am going to smoke my cigarettes, and try to go to sleep soon, even if the sun is still up.
So strange how much can change in a year. Last year Ii lived in a different place, in a diffrent town, in a diffrent county. I had a difffernt job, a different boy, different finances, different perspective.
Year later, so much is different-yet somewhere, deep down, Ii do not feel like I have changed. I just feel like I am becomeing introverted, I just am so determined not to lash out, I jsut feel going back in is my best means of attack.
All my friends-I love them. I just do, they just such sweet people, and Ii can't say what it is about them that makes me love them, cuz they can't do shit for me, my life, to make it all better. Last year I hung out with kids who just liked to party, and I liked that. I was always having fun, but I got tired of it, being with people who would not totally get me, understand me-there was no filler there.
I have these people in my life who have this really beatiful things inside them now, but it feels like the best people have the hardest time letting their stars shine, if that makes that any sense, Think of that phrase-worst things happen to the best people.
I just wish all the people I love were in postions that were better for them. I can't talk about the poeple I know anymore. It makes me want to kill myself.
Ok, I'm gonna go pee...perhaps I shall be back later if not, till next time.
I cried for sometime today, and perhaps I will cry some more. I need it-I really do. I don't knw how to describe how Ii feel, but I am going to pretend that Ii am far away and that the sg site it my only contact with the world, cuz even if anyone was callin-which they arn't-I would not pick up.
I started making this hug sg collage on my bedroom wall. Iits not completed yet but I am enjoying searching the old archives and snipping and pasting and doing my version of "art". I feel like a paper doll plastic surgeon-ooh that would be a good name of a band.
I am smoking heavy again-I still want to quit, but not today. Today I can not have what I want, and I just am going to smoke my cigarettes, and try to go to sleep soon, even if the sun is still up.
So strange how much can change in a year. Last year Ii lived in a different place, in a diffrent town, in a diffrent county. I had a difffernt job, a different boy, different finances, different perspective.
Year later, so much is different-yet somewhere, deep down, Ii do not feel like I have changed. I just feel like I am becomeing introverted, I just am so determined not to lash out, I jsut feel going back in is my best means of attack.
All my friends-I love them. I just do, they just such sweet people, and Ii can't say what it is about them that makes me love them, cuz they can't do shit for me, my life, to make it all better. Last year I hung out with kids who just liked to party, and I liked that. I was always having fun, but I got tired of it, being with people who would not totally get me, understand me-there was no filler there.
I have these people in my life who have this really beatiful things inside them now, but it feels like the best people have the hardest time letting their stars shine, if that makes that any sense, Think of that phrase-worst things happen to the best people.
I just wish all the people I love were in postions that were better for them. I can't talk about the poeple I know anymore. It makes me want to kill myself.
Ok, I'm gonna go pee...perhaps I shall be back later if not, till next time.