homewrecker

Feeling down today. No specific reason, per say, but more the compilation of a lot of smaller things combined I suppose.

For starters, I have a chemical imbalance that makes my emotional state unstable to begin with. There is a lot of mental illness in my family, but I'm probably the most fortunate because I respond well to medication and appear the most well-adjusted outwardly. Meds generally keep me functional these days, but I still have my manic swings.

Secondly, my social life has been picking up lately, and social instances are the specific trigger of my anxiety disorder. Had a great time this last week in particular - made it out to a couple of events, met a lot of cool people, and had a blast - but my nerves have had me on an emotional rollercoaster the whole time.

Being polyamorous is stressful at times too. Juggling 1 woman is a handful, trying to throw a couple more in has it's pleasures, but can also be a lot to manage. And the flip side is that when my significant other throws an interest or two of her own into the mix, sometimes my emotions get all stirred up and I feel jealous/bad about myself/etc. How hypocrytical of me!!! Why am I like that sometimes?! I know better than that!!!

Also, without going into incriminating detail, let's just say that I do engage in illegal business activity from time to time. The money is there (and much needed) but so is the stress. That's a hard one for me to avoid. Ideally I'd walk the straight & narrow path, but circumstance has led me to need more than that life provides. I've got medical bills, debt, a family to take care of....and I don't even live large! I'm just trying to get by...

Lastly, my family has been trying to get in touch with me a lot lately, and that always ties knots inside. I love them, don't get me wrong! I have the sweetest mother especially, but they are just old-fashioned and brought me up in a very sheltered environment. Now I feel I can't be myself around them (certainly not sharing any of the above) and all I feel around them is discomfort which causes me to avoid them even though I care about them. I feel like I've joined the dark side and if they found out it would crush them, so I lie and put on a straight face when I see them. Everyone does that, I know...but I feel I'm taking it to an extreme that I'm having a hard time handling.

I tried to be a good boy these last few days....stayed at home, got LOTS and LOTS of sleep, no drugs, no alcohol, etc....but I've now shifted from anxiety to depression. Argh.

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Just wanted to vent! I'll bounce-back soon...I always do. Such is the nature of the beast. Hopefully some of you folks will be around to cheer me up when I'm feeling social again.