Well...it's official...I've been in California for a year.
Though technically I believe I rolled across the stateline on Dec. 2nd...today was my first day of work at the certified mercedes shop in Monterey.
When I look back, part of me feels like I've come so far from where I was a few years ago. Part of me feels like I've gotten a whole lot of nowhere, fast.
I was talking to a good friend of mine about how lost I've been feeling.
Told him how I no longer knew which direction I'm supposed to be going in, what I'm supposed to be shooting for. How it seemed I landed here in the desert by accident and all my forward momentum just petered away.
In discussing this with him, I shared that when I first created this dream of building cars, it wasn't about ACTUALLY building cars...only knowing how to do it. I'd even been known to say I didn't care if I ever touched a car again, so long as I walked across that stage diploma in hand...knowing all the things I felt had been denied me before.
Beyond that...I hadn't planned for anything. At some point during my education it became clear to me that I COULD indeed get a job at a shop somewhere fixing cars. So I went ahead and took the advanced training with Mercedes Benz and looked forward to finding a shop to work in. Sadly, out of the 20 shops I applied to, only two were willing to have me, despite the fact I graduated with honors, at the top of my class, and came with only highest of recommendations. So, I chose a shop, and looked forward to escaping the life I'd been living.
Much to my dismay, working at the shop didn't work out. To my face the boys were fine having me around. Behind my back...not so much. My boss, while willing to HIRE me, turned out not to be willing to actually let me work. And when he forced me behind the desk to answer phones because the receptionist quit...so did I.
Having met some wonderful people from so-cal...that's where I headed, with hope in my heart that I might finally find someplace to work, and belong.
And here I accidently landed myself in the desert, something that was supposed to be temporary, helping a friend work on his '55 DeSoto...it's been five months and I'm still here. The DeSoto isn't finished. I have no income. I've got nothing but time to think about how I ended up here...and try to figure out what I'm supposed to do now.
Which brings me back to that conversation with my friend...what he pointed out to me was that it was NO WONDER I felt lost and without goals. What I wasn't able to see myself, was that the reason for this was because I'd already ACCOMPLISHED my dream. I'd already succeeded in what I'd set out to do. And here I am having burst out the other side of the dream...with no plan! The blessing, he pointed out, is that now I get to create a NEW dream...The Dream, Part Deux...
So...I've started thinking about what do I REALLY want to be the second chapter...
And I remember myself, sitting behind my desk in my office in NYC, dreaming.
The REASON I wanted to learn to build/fix cars was inspired by the classics...hot rods...customs...etc.
I enjoy working on the new cars too, don't get me wrong...but the dream was born from the classics.
The plan had been to graduate and come home to NYC...but a friend of mine used to joke with me that I'd end up in So-Cal working with Jesse james...building hot rods...
Oh how we'd laugh and laugh about that...but the truth was, building hotrods was something I saw as being out of my reach. I suppose I thought I might never be good enough...never get the chance to get my foot in the door. Never be accepted in the community. Although, it was a vision of myself I liked to revisit...but would never admit out loud.
And yet, here I am...having stumbled into some version of that secret dream, entirely by accident.
But then, was it really an accident?
True, the guy I'm working with is FAR from Jesse James...and the situation is FAR from perfect...but it's what I've got at the moment, and I have to believe that I got dumped here for a reason.
Ok, gods, I hear you...now it's up to me to write The Dream, Part Deux...if only I can figure out what I really want that to look like... Seems it's been so long since I actually dreamed, I'm out of practice. But I'm working on it...one piece at a time...
VIVA LA DREAM!
(and thank goodness for having friends who can point out the important shit to you! You know who you are!
)
***
p.s...i hate the new lay out...but then, i hated the LAST new lay out too...lame.
Though technically I believe I rolled across the stateline on Dec. 2nd...today was my first day of work at the certified mercedes shop in Monterey.
When I look back, part of me feels like I've come so far from where I was a few years ago. Part of me feels like I've gotten a whole lot of nowhere, fast.
I was talking to a good friend of mine about how lost I've been feeling.
Told him how I no longer knew which direction I'm supposed to be going in, what I'm supposed to be shooting for. How it seemed I landed here in the desert by accident and all my forward momentum just petered away.
In discussing this with him, I shared that when I first created this dream of building cars, it wasn't about ACTUALLY building cars...only knowing how to do it. I'd even been known to say I didn't care if I ever touched a car again, so long as I walked across that stage diploma in hand...knowing all the things I felt had been denied me before.
Beyond that...I hadn't planned for anything. At some point during my education it became clear to me that I COULD indeed get a job at a shop somewhere fixing cars. So I went ahead and took the advanced training with Mercedes Benz and looked forward to finding a shop to work in. Sadly, out of the 20 shops I applied to, only two were willing to have me, despite the fact I graduated with honors, at the top of my class, and came with only highest of recommendations. So, I chose a shop, and looked forward to escaping the life I'd been living.
Much to my dismay, working at the shop didn't work out. To my face the boys were fine having me around. Behind my back...not so much. My boss, while willing to HIRE me, turned out not to be willing to actually let me work. And when he forced me behind the desk to answer phones because the receptionist quit...so did I.
Having met some wonderful people from so-cal...that's where I headed, with hope in my heart that I might finally find someplace to work, and belong.
And here I accidently landed myself in the desert, something that was supposed to be temporary, helping a friend work on his '55 DeSoto...it's been five months and I'm still here. The DeSoto isn't finished. I have no income. I've got nothing but time to think about how I ended up here...and try to figure out what I'm supposed to do now.
Which brings me back to that conversation with my friend...what he pointed out to me was that it was NO WONDER I felt lost and without goals. What I wasn't able to see myself, was that the reason for this was because I'd already ACCOMPLISHED my dream. I'd already succeeded in what I'd set out to do. And here I am having burst out the other side of the dream...with no plan! The blessing, he pointed out, is that now I get to create a NEW dream...The Dream, Part Deux...
So...I've started thinking about what do I REALLY want to be the second chapter...
And I remember myself, sitting behind my desk in my office in NYC, dreaming.
The REASON I wanted to learn to build/fix cars was inspired by the classics...hot rods...customs...etc.
I enjoy working on the new cars too, don't get me wrong...but the dream was born from the classics.
The plan had been to graduate and come home to NYC...but a friend of mine used to joke with me that I'd end up in So-Cal working with Jesse james...building hot rods...
Oh how we'd laugh and laugh about that...but the truth was, building hotrods was something I saw as being out of my reach. I suppose I thought I might never be good enough...never get the chance to get my foot in the door. Never be accepted in the community. Although, it was a vision of myself I liked to revisit...but would never admit out loud.
And yet, here I am...having stumbled into some version of that secret dream, entirely by accident.
But then, was it really an accident?
True, the guy I'm working with is FAR from Jesse James...and the situation is FAR from perfect...but it's what I've got at the moment, and I have to believe that I got dumped here for a reason.
Ok, gods, I hear you...now it's up to me to write The Dream, Part Deux...if only I can figure out what I really want that to look like... Seems it's been so long since I actually dreamed, I'm out of practice. But I'm working on it...one piece at a time...
VIVA LA DREAM!
(and thank goodness for having friends who can point out the important shit to you! You know who you are!
)
***
p.s...i hate the new lay out...but then, i hated the LAST new lay out too...lame.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
The only reason I've joined and rejoined this site is for the whole community aspect of it, so when they started fucking that up it was like why bother sticking around??