holdena

I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching.... and things actually make a little sence right now, not things right now, but how i got here. Thiking back to last year this time, maybe a month or two before that, the person that Lydia had fallen for... that was me, although when we talked about that I didn't realize it cause I didn't really remember it, I just remembered all the mistakes that person made, all things he tried to be but wasn't... but what Lydia saw really was me.... and I know when I finally lost contact with it. It was that night Katie came and picked me up... I was depressed, and friendless and I just sat there and took every swing they threw at me, I listened to it and I really did forget how much I'd changed since then, since high school, how much of a real person I was and how I actaully had a connection with reality. And I just done then... and in that dive I met Sarah, and I clung onto someone that wasn't real, I clung onto someone I wanted to be real but wasn't... and When Lydia started hanging out with me.. I was still getting it all figured out. And I was stupid and headstrong and thought I had it figured out. And I didn't, and I don't now, but I can look in the mirror now. For the first time probably since last Christmas I can see my own eyeballs and I know who I am. Not in a sense that I can write it down, describe it one paragraph, but this gut feeling. And maybe its not so much who I am, but rather who I am happy being and how feels natural. And I can feel that person in me and I think I can let that go again, because I've been here the whole time... I was just.. I wanted help to much, I was so afraid of doing it alone that I kept on leaning on others. And these last two weeks I have pretty much felt utterly Alone... I' mean, there are people that, people that care.... but when I patheticly reached out no one really gave what I was looking for. So, for maybe the frist time in my entire life with a practicly clear head about me I have soul searched on my own, figured me out on my own. And I know the most important thing one can ever know: that you don't really know. And I used to know that... I used to reley on the gut feeling, and tonight I did. I didn't ignore it. And I was happy. Alone... but happy. And I remembered things clearly... and I liked it, and I felt whole.. And for the first time in probably months I cried and cried and I actually understood why I was crying.

I missed Loving because it felt nice, not because it was romantic. I missed having fun because it was fun, not ebcause I felt I had an oobligation to. I missed being full of life, being able to sit out side in the snow, drink some tea or coffee, maybe smoke my pipe or a cigerette, and look up at the stars. Sit that and taste whats in my mouth, smell with my nose, hear with my ears, see with my eyes. Pay attention to it and enjoy it and Love it. Why? Cause its amazing all of it. I missed it, and I let myself remembere what I used to call it: my grace. That feeling that has always amde me miss the church... it never came from the church, it never came from faith in something above me cause I never had that. I had faith in me, respect and admiration for life, and the ability to enjoy it.


And.. for the first time is so long I feel at home. At home in me. I feel peacefull and so overwhelmed by life that its comferting. And I know I have these recolections at times, that I remember them every now and then, but this time... I'm going to hang on, not because I feel I have to, not because I want to. I have no reason other than it feels right.

I have to live it again, be me. and... I have to do what I always sued to try and do. Why I started drawing, why I started writing, why I have always been so passionate about Lovers. But used to get ti wrong, I sued to try and bottle up so I caould pass it along, to show people, to explain it. But you can't. It just is, its just like love. You can fill a thousand books with why you love someone, but thats never the reason. You can buy them flowers and gifts and take them out on the town, and all of that is amazing and wonderful, but it misses the point. The point is explaining or proving or showing or answering why. The point is to do it. To Love, to me pasionate, to live life and share it with everyont around ytou that invoke passion. IT goes even further than that. You can't explain these things, because explanations are words, and no matter what words you come up with they will always be just that. Words. Love, passion, Life, that feeling of care for someone that makes your heart stop when you know that are withsomeone else, there aren't words for that because they are feelings. The only place they exist is in us. And I know its foolish to abonden them and not try to express them in words, yet I know they will never really be full expression of them.

Only Loving someone will really do being in love with them justice.




And now I want to cry.. but not because I'm sad or lonely, not because I feel lost or freindless or abandended. I want to cry because I am happy and overjoyed, just like I used to do in Lydia's arms, although I really can't remember if she ever noticed.

I'm happy and I know all I need to know: you never will know, you will always grow and always be looking. Just enjoy it.