My mind seems full. I can't shut it up. No matter how much I wrote and put my ideas and feelings down on this screen, my mind seems to think it's not enough. What else is there though?
I finished reading Chuck Palahniuk's book Invisible Monsters tonight. It's a fascinating book with fascinating ideas... one of the few fiction books that actually have a very important message behind it. Sadly it made me start thinking again...
I feel lately like I've been hit by a ton of bricks... is this depression? I haven't been depressed in ages and honestly there's no reason to be depressed... is there? I sat thinking of self-loathing and self destructive acts today... not for myself but for human kind in general. Do all people loath the beings they are? If so, maybe this explains acts of self destruction such as smoking, drinking, drugs, careless sex, cutting... the list could go on for awhile with everything as mundane as eating chocolate and sweets to suicide attempts and actual suicide. Are these all acts of attention grabbing or is it to inflict pain on our already pained selves? But then again, one could easily ask themselves... what is there to hate? The girl who looks in the mirror who thinks she's too fat, the man who cries himself to sleep every night because he thinks his penis is too small, the boy who acts out because he's dyslexic and reading confuses him, the girl who constantly seeks comfort because nobody has ever shown love to her... Do we see the reasoning of why we feel the way we feel? I hate my consumerism and materialism... I hate buying things and working so I can buy more things... I hate my furniture and the things that aren't necessary... I smoke, i drink, i put off going to the dentist even when food makes my teeth hurt, i cause myself to be socially inept... I'm sure there's more I'm leaving out. The point being... we all have some aspect of ourselves that we don't like for one reason or the other... instead of fixing the problem, we torture ourselves and hate other people when they distribute the quality of ourselves that we hate.
I don't believe this is the way we are supposed to be. Who's to say though?
My mind flashes to the stilled image of a girl's face staring at me through an entry way... such sad eyes that scream out to me. I think I'm going to edit this little section out for my other blog spots so nobody will know who I'm talking about... least of all the person I'm talking about. Anyhow... she stared at me with such a look of yearning and sadness that I didn't want to go. I felt like she needed me but didn't want to tell me this. It's amazing how strong someone can be yet how weak. This girl is an insanely independent girl with a great image of strength surrounding her... yet when I stayed over there last night it seemed as though she just wanted somebody there to care about her. I wonder if it had been any other guy if they would've had sex with her... I think so... We slept next to each other on her bed and I would wake for moments at a time and would just watch her there sleeping. There's nothing more beautiful than watching someone sleep... all outward projections fade while sleeping and all that's left is yourself in the most vulnerable of ways. I wanted her to know that I wasn't there just to fuck her brains out... because I don't even think I touched her until we hugged our goodbyes... I wanted her to know I was there for nothing more than to spend an evening with her and to be a friend caring for her. And when I left... those sad eyes watching me from behind the screened door... they've haunted me all day. How can people be so outwardly strong and yet have such a sad look in their eyes? How could I have left?
In relationships personalities tend to be eaten by the expectations of the dominant partner. This was the discussion I heard from two individuals at epoch last night. So when the relationship ends one's self has to be rediscovered... if one immediately hops back into another relationship the self will just change into what the expectations are from the new partner. Every relationship I've been in... this has happened. I've ended up lost due to the expectations of my partner and the constant feeling of needing to be that person they wanted. At the end of the relationship I relapse back into who I am, yet it feels stronger. I lose myself to discover a stronger me waiting for me at the door asking me if I'm done yet. It's like an impatient waiter or waitress... "Would you like the bill now?" I'm still left with questions though... such a flip-flop of ideas yet they always remain the same...
"What do you do?" I was asked at Epoch last night. I couldn't answer the question really as the scene from Fight Club sped through my head. We are defined by our jobs... only to be a number lost in a sea of numbers... all forms of uniqueness drowned on computer screens and matching ties: Monday tie, Tuesday tie, Wednesday tie, Thursday tie, and maybe Friday will be casual Friday... but just in case Friday tie. I had to sit and think about that question and all I could say was that I live. Honest enough. I live, I think, I eat, I breathe, I shit, I pee, I walk, I talk, and I write... I am human, what are you and what do you do? We are all prefabricated by today's world to be a product of our jobs. Defined by our jobs.
"Son, you have to go to college to get a degree to get a good job so you can be happy"
Thanks mom, thanks dad.
I feel like I was spit out of a factory, given a number, and explained from an early age that money is the key to happiness. My dad tries to undo this now and tries to tell me that college is the stepping stone to be able to do what makes you happy and maybe get paid for it. He told me in his last letter that not many college kids know this and only want money and financial security but in the end you have to do what makes you happy. Thanks, Dad... I could've used this speech ten years ago. Personal exploration of the meaning of life is necessary. For what? Absolute bullshit.
You realize... my blogs have covered a lot of aspects... everything from politics (anarchist propaganda?), to social psychology, to psychotherapy, to everyday life... i think this blog entry tops the cake though. It's the bride and groom on a large corporately made and paid for wedding cake where everyone wears their cliche' suits, dresses, and personalities. The silence only to be broken by the cry of a lone kid who will be spanked later for "acting out"side of the box. Life is only interesting when there's something different that occurs. This was a theme present all through "Invisible Monsters"... self destruction causes chaos which reminds us that we are still alive.
Is this a new sense of apathy? Or was it instilled upon us long ago?
I don't know if I'm so much depressed or disgusted at how we are as a species.
All we can do is care for one another.
All we can do is be ourselves no matter the cost.
Live life the way you want to live it... no regrets, no shame, no guilt, no self-loathing, no worry...
This is what we were intended for.
-Hlatus
I finished reading Chuck Palahniuk's book Invisible Monsters tonight. It's a fascinating book with fascinating ideas... one of the few fiction books that actually have a very important message behind it. Sadly it made me start thinking again...
I feel lately like I've been hit by a ton of bricks... is this depression? I haven't been depressed in ages and honestly there's no reason to be depressed... is there? I sat thinking of self-loathing and self destructive acts today... not for myself but for human kind in general. Do all people loath the beings they are? If so, maybe this explains acts of self destruction such as smoking, drinking, drugs, careless sex, cutting... the list could go on for awhile with everything as mundane as eating chocolate and sweets to suicide attempts and actual suicide. Are these all acts of attention grabbing or is it to inflict pain on our already pained selves? But then again, one could easily ask themselves... what is there to hate? The girl who looks in the mirror who thinks she's too fat, the man who cries himself to sleep every night because he thinks his penis is too small, the boy who acts out because he's dyslexic and reading confuses him, the girl who constantly seeks comfort because nobody has ever shown love to her... Do we see the reasoning of why we feel the way we feel? I hate my consumerism and materialism... I hate buying things and working so I can buy more things... I hate my furniture and the things that aren't necessary... I smoke, i drink, i put off going to the dentist even when food makes my teeth hurt, i cause myself to be socially inept... I'm sure there's more I'm leaving out. The point being... we all have some aspect of ourselves that we don't like for one reason or the other... instead of fixing the problem, we torture ourselves and hate other people when they distribute the quality of ourselves that we hate.
I don't believe this is the way we are supposed to be. Who's to say though?
My mind flashes to the stilled image of a girl's face staring at me through an entry way... such sad eyes that scream out to me. I think I'm going to edit this little section out for my other blog spots so nobody will know who I'm talking about... least of all the person I'm talking about. Anyhow... she stared at me with such a look of yearning and sadness that I didn't want to go. I felt like she needed me but didn't want to tell me this. It's amazing how strong someone can be yet how weak. This girl is an insanely independent girl with a great image of strength surrounding her... yet when I stayed over there last night it seemed as though she just wanted somebody there to care about her. I wonder if it had been any other guy if they would've had sex with her... I think so... We slept next to each other on her bed and I would wake for moments at a time and would just watch her there sleeping. There's nothing more beautiful than watching someone sleep... all outward projections fade while sleeping and all that's left is yourself in the most vulnerable of ways. I wanted her to know that I wasn't there just to fuck her brains out... because I don't even think I touched her until we hugged our goodbyes... I wanted her to know I was there for nothing more than to spend an evening with her and to be a friend caring for her. And when I left... those sad eyes watching me from behind the screened door... they've haunted me all day. How can people be so outwardly strong and yet have such a sad look in their eyes? How could I have left?
In relationships personalities tend to be eaten by the expectations of the dominant partner. This was the discussion I heard from two individuals at epoch last night. So when the relationship ends one's self has to be rediscovered... if one immediately hops back into another relationship the self will just change into what the expectations are from the new partner. Every relationship I've been in... this has happened. I've ended up lost due to the expectations of my partner and the constant feeling of needing to be that person they wanted. At the end of the relationship I relapse back into who I am, yet it feels stronger. I lose myself to discover a stronger me waiting for me at the door asking me if I'm done yet. It's like an impatient waiter or waitress... "Would you like the bill now?" I'm still left with questions though... such a flip-flop of ideas yet they always remain the same...
"What do you do?" I was asked at Epoch last night. I couldn't answer the question really as the scene from Fight Club sped through my head. We are defined by our jobs... only to be a number lost in a sea of numbers... all forms of uniqueness drowned on computer screens and matching ties: Monday tie, Tuesday tie, Wednesday tie, Thursday tie, and maybe Friday will be casual Friday... but just in case Friday tie. I had to sit and think about that question and all I could say was that I live. Honest enough. I live, I think, I eat, I breathe, I shit, I pee, I walk, I talk, and I write... I am human, what are you and what do you do? We are all prefabricated by today's world to be a product of our jobs. Defined by our jobs.
"Son, you have to go to college to get a degree to get a good job so you can be happy"
Thanks mom, thanks dad.
I feel like I was spit out of a factory, given a number, and explained from an early age that money is the key to happiness. My dad tries to undo this now and tries to tell me that college is the stepping stone to be able to do what makes you happy and maybe get paid for it. He told me in his last letter that not many college kids know this and only want money and financial security but in the end you have to do what makes you happy. Thanks, Dad... I could've used this speech ten years ago. Personal exploration of the meaning of life is necessary. For what? Absolute bullshit.
You realize... my blogs have covered a lot of aspects... everything from politics (anarchist propaganda?), to social psychology, to psychotherapy, to everyday life... i think this blog entry tops the cake though. It's the bride and groom on a large corporately made and paid for wedding cake where everyone wears their cliche' suits, dresses, and personalities. The silence only to be broken by the cry of a lone kid who will be spanked later for "acting out"side of the box. Life is only interesting when there's something different that occurs. This was a theme present all through "Invisible Monsters"... self destruction causes chaos which reminds us that we are still alive.
Is this a new sense of apathy? Or was it instilled upon us long ago?
I don't know if I'm so much depressed or disgusted at how we are as a species.
All we can do is care for one another.
All we can do is be ourselves no matter the cost.
Live life the way you want to live it... no regrets, no shame, no guilt, no self-loathing, no worry...
This is what we were intended for.
-Hlatus