Chuggers is a shortened word for 'charity muggers' - you know, these smiley-faced, clipboard-holding, bib-wearing twerps currently clogging up every high street in Britain...
In my home town, the main culprits are Greenpeace and Concern. No one from Greenpeace is ever going to stop me now, after I recently had the following conversation with one of them:
Chugger: Hi there. Can you spare a couple of minutes for Greenpeace?
Me: Sure.
Chugger: Okay. By law I have to show you this document which lays out what I am and what I'm not allowed to say. [shows me a legal-looking piece of paper attached to clipboard]
Me: Fine. Yes, yes. Get on with it.
Chugger: First of all, do you know who Greenpeace are?
Me: Of course, you're an environmental pressure group. [pause, as Chugger starts ticking boxes on his clipboard] Which is one reason why I would never give you guys any of my money.
Chugger [looks up at me, slightly puzzled]: Why's that?
Me: Because environmentalism is just another expression of human arrogance and selfishness. Have you heard of the biologist and philosopher James Lovelock and his Gaia hypothesis?
Chugger [swallows, clearly realising that he is out of his depth]: No...
Me: Didn't think so. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing this. Lovelock argues that the Earth is a self-regulating system. Life itself is but a metaphor. Our bodies are riddled with tiny, microscopic bugs which are essential to our existence. Biology is parasitic. [glimpses a photograph of a harpooned whale amongst the Chugger's stuff] Take the whale, for instance. You guys want to save it, right?
Chugger: Of course.
Me: Why? Because it's unique, right?
Chugger: Yes.
Me: But what about all those tiny fish that the whale eats? What happens when so many whales have been saved that the tiny fish become endangered? I suppose you'll have to start a 'save the tiny fish' campaign!
Chugger: Umm... [clearly hasn't thought about this]
Me: In fact, you would have to start the 'save the tiny fish' campaign, seeing as how you guys would be responsible for its predicament.
Chugger [frustrated]: You're talking rubbish mate. There's loads of tiny fish. It would never happen.
Me: Well, let me approach this from another angle. Do you think evolution is a bad thing?
Chugger: Well, obviously not!
Me: But how can evolution possibly continue if there is no real competition between species? You guys are really insane, you know that? - 'let's put evolution in the animal kningdom on pause just because we like nature the way it is'... Mister, that's just freakin' crazy talk!
Chugger: I don't mind competition between species. But it's not fair for humans to kill all the whales.
Me: So if it were some other species which posed a threat to the whale's continued existence, you wouldn't want human beings to step in and save it?
Chugger: You're talking rubbish mate.
Me: Well, I tell you what. You go away and read some books on the philosophy of the environment and we'll discuss this when you actually know what the fuck you're talking about.
Chugger: Yeah, whatever. Fucking moron.
Me: Is that on the list of things you're legally allowed to say to me?
And at that point, we just kind of drifted apart.
But today I think I saw him point me out to all his colleagues. So, alas, my fun is over with that lot.
In my home town, the main culprits are Greenpeace and Concern. No one from Greenpeace is ever going to stop me now, after I recently had the following conversation with one of them:
Chugger: Hi there. Can you spare a couple of minutes for Greenpeace?
Me: Sure.
Chugger: Okay. By law I have to show you this document which lays out what I am and what I'm not allowed to say. [shows me a legal-looking piece of paper attached to clipboard]
Me: Fine. Yes, yes. Get on with it.
Chugger: First of all, do you know who Greenpeace are?
Me: Of course, you're an environmental pressure group. [pause, as Chugger starts ticking boxes on his clipboard] Which is one reason why I would never give you guys any of my money.
Chugger [looks up at me, slightly puzzled]: Why's that?
Me: Because environmentalism is just another expression of human arrogance and selfishness. Have you heard of the biologist and philosopher James Lovelock and his Gaia hypothesis?
Chugger [swallows, clearly realising that he is out of his depth]: No...
Me: Didn't think so. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing this. Lovelock argues that the Earth is a self-regulating system. Life itself is but a metaphor. Our bodies are riddled with tiny, microscopic bugs which are essential to our existence. Biology is parasitic. [glimpses a photograph of a harpooned whale amongst the Chugger's stuff] Take the whale, for instance. You guys want to save it, right?
Chugger: Of course.
Me: Why? Because it's unique, right?
Chugger: Yes.
Me: But what about all those tiny fish that the whale eats? What happens when so many whales have been saved that the tiny fish become endangered? I suppose you'll have to start a 'save the tiny fish' campaign!
Chugger: Umm... [clearly hasn't thought about this]
Me: In fact, you would have to start the 'save the tiny fish' campaign, seeing as how you guys would be responsible for its predicament.
Chugger [frustrated]: You're talking rubbish mate. There's loads of tiny fish. It would never happen.
Me: Well, let me approach this from another angle. Do you think evolution is a bad thing?
Chugger: Well, obviously not!
Me: But how can evolution possibly continue if there is no real competition between species? You guys are really insane, you know that? - 'let's put evolution in the animal kningdom on pause just because we like nature the way it is'... Mister, that's just freakin' crazy talk!
Chugger: I don't mind competition between species. But it's not fair for humans to kill all the whales.
Me: So if it were some other species which posed a threat to the whale's continued existence, you wouldn't want human beings to step in and save it?
Chugger: You're talking rubbish mate.
Me: Well, I tell you what. You go away and read some books on the philosophy of the environment and we'll discuss this when you actually know what the fuck you're talking about.
Chugger: Yeah, whatever. Fucking moron.
Me: Is that on the list of things you're legally allowed to say to me?
And at that point, we just kind of drifted apart.
But today I think I saw him point me out to all his colleagues. So, alas, my fun is over with that lot.