hideawaytgr

perhaps it wasnt weird to see me
dark denim jeans and doc martens
strolling in with newly studded lapels
on the 35 cent jacket.

never would have known that i did it on the plane
anticipating combat boots and black-and-pink
maryjanes.
chink goes the register, eyes glance up
im passed
heart pounding up in throat
and pulsing to the beat of something like
elliot smith in the background of my recessed
brain=
and I see you in the corner of my eye
and his cd costs too much.

I am working it up, the efforts to say hello and i choke
and i cant even hardly breathe.

I have to leave, the store is closing in on me, but not before eyes meet
hands raise and we greet one another, and i see you
and you need a haircut desperately, and youre scruffy and you look tired
And you look like shit
and so incredibly beautiful still
which is weird because you were still so beautiful with those dark eyes
and those weird smirks
metal-mouth
and sometimes double chin.

I had to leave, the store was closing in on me, it was hotter than hell,
and i was burning to the ground.
Later i know that i have to go back, have to at least put it out there
ahve to just say that

I loved you so hard
and i walked away as fast as i could
because i didnt want to be reminded
thati let you under my skin
and i feel you still as you prickle and poke around
though most of you is gone
you can tease it into return

so please stop saying
the things i always wanted to hear
when we were together on grey concrete steps
and our arms were looped
and you bit the inside of my wrist,
looking at me all the while
and if at that moment i hadnt seen the look in your eyes
i would have been saved
god how fucking trite that sounds
do you like how you have immersed me in mediocrity?

asking me to use you as my muse
while, sweetheart, you were never anything else.
from the moment you kissed me and missed that action sequence
yours are the pages of the books i turn
and every single hero in every single romantic novel
has pale skin and dark hair and asian eyes, and a jewish nose
and a mexican name
and glasses
and that awkward smirk
that belies the confidence you sometimes put on like a shirt.
I always like you better when you are awkward and gawky
like me in my moments
where what i know challenges what i feel
and what i know never wins.

i knew that you cared
but i felt neglected
and i pushed at you and as a result
you couldnt perform.....

and if you had just told me the few things that you have
in the past few days
that i am pretty, and smart, and that you cared and were happy
that i was something special in your black little world
if you had just simply told me then that you loved me
then id never be able to bloodily scrape you
out
from under my skin.




xoxJenn the Jew