hex0311

Well, my boyfriend called it quits on me tonight. Basically he couldn't meet and provide basic needs that any girlfriend would expect and he just gave up. He said he didnt want to try and it just wasnt working. But i'm so irked because I dont feel that he was trying. I feel that I put everything I could into this but he didn't. And now he has this house that we picked out together and decorated and painted, etc. I've worked so hard to make this our home and I have to give it all up. I dont want to be miserable but I dont want to leave. I feel like this is my home. I havent felt that way in a long time. I've been out on my own since i was 18 but finally, its not just my "place" or my apartment....for once it actually felt like home. I'm so sick of moving. Its the story of my life. I"m so fucking sick of it. I just wanted stability. I needed him to be mean and say awfull things to me but he wouldnt. I dont know how to separate myself from him when he's being so passive. He wouldn't tell me to get my things out. He didnt even ask me to sleep in the other bed. When i tried to force him into sayiing things all he would say is try to have your stuff out in a couple months and i started crying harder. Does he really think that we can just be "friends", roommates. I mean alot of the time thats how it felt anyways but no its not the same now. Once i started crying harder, he says 6 months. SERIOUSLY! You just dont get it. I'm not crying because i only had a couple months. I'm crying because you gave up. You dont want me anymore. I'm not worth making things right. I just dont know what to do in this situation. I've always been the dumper not the dumpee. This will be the first time i dont have someone new to turn to. Part of me wants to just refuse to accept it but i know how dumb that is because I still wont be happy. And if i stay its better for him because he still has someone paying half the bills. I should leave asap but I dont want to. I dont really have anywhere to go other that to my moms house and I dont want to go back there. Its so far from everything and I wont know what to do with all my belongings. Theres no room for them at her house. But theres no way I'm going to leave Matts house and not take anything. I mean not even leave it till i at some point move out somewhere again. He doesnt desearve to use all my furniture and have who knows sleeping in my room in my bed. I'm not ready for this. I'm not strong enough right now. I wish I was done with school. If only it was 6 months from now. I could be done with my associates. I could be looking for a job and I could move far away from tthis place. Maybe back to chicago. I dont know where. But somewhere away from here. I just feel so lost. I'm supposed to register for classes in an hour and 15 mins but I dont want to commit to anything. I guess i could always drop them before the semester starts. I need a change. But i dont want it. I just want to stay where I am and I want the boy that I love to love me back just as much.