hermes

ANDY: Allright, lads! How you feeling? A bit wonky? Perfectly normal. You'll be as right as rain in 20 minutes. So, if you could just move through into the recuperation lounge, I can get things ready for the next lot.
LISTER: The next lot?
ANDY: Yeah, a very popular game is Red Dwarf. It's got a two year waiting list. Only got 20 machines. So! How did you get killed, then?
KRYTEN: Some kind of squid.
ANDY: The _despair_ squid?! There's no way that should have killed you! Why didn't you use the laser cannons? It's obvious!
KRYTEN: Starbug doesn't -- didn't have a laser cannon capability.
ANDY: You twonk! Use the laser cannons on the crashed ... wotsit ... Esperanto. That's how you get out of it!
RIMMER: _How_ were we supposed to know that, you Brummie git?
ANDY: Esperanto. That's a clue, isn't it? Esperanto -- hope. Hope defeats despair. Despair -- the Despair Squid. It's a blatant clue, isn't it? Blatant! If you didn't get that you must have been playing like puddings! Which one was playing Lister, then?
LISTER: (Subdued) Me.
ANDY: Did you get Kochanski?
LISTER: (Surprised) Was I supposed to?
ANDY: Supposed to? That's the objective of the game for Lister, you twonk! You get separated to begin with and basically it's a love story across time, space, death, and reality. You must have got the easy stuff, though! Here, what did you think of the Planet of the Nymphomaniacs?
RIMMER: The Planet of the _what_?!
ANDY: What, you missed _that_?! Oh, that's a riot! Some people spend years on that. Which one was Rimmer?
RIMMER: (Smiling) Me.
ANDY: Ohh, he's amazing, in't he?
RIMMER: You can say that again.
ANDY: How long did it take you to suss him out, then?
RIMMER: Ahh, I had him sussed right from the beginning.
ANDY: Really? You found the Captain's message right away?!
RIMMER: (Taken back) _What_ Captain's message?
ANDY: The one that's hidden in the microdot in the 'i' in Rimmer's swimming certificate. Well, that's the clue, isn't it? Rimmer having a swimming certificate and not being able to swim!
KRYTEN: That's a clue?!
ANDY: It's a blatant clue, isn't it?
RIMMER: A blatant clue to what?
ANDY: A blatant clue to the truth behind Rimmer.
RIMMER: _What_ truth?
ANDY: The truth to why he is such an insufferable pratt.
RIMMER: That's because of his parents, his upbringing, his background. The fact that he was never loved.
ANDY: No, no, no.
RIMMER: Yes, yes, yes.
ANDY: No, no, no.
RIMMER: Yes, yes, yes.
ANDY: No!
RIMMER: (Annoyed) What was it then?
ANDY: He was a hand-picked special agent for the Space Corps. He had his memory erased and was programmed to behave like a complete twonk so no one would suspect he was on a mission to destroy Red Dwarf in order to guide Lister to his destiny as the creator of the second universe!
LISTER: You what?!
ANDY: Yeah! You know the bit where Lister jump starts the second big bang with jump leads from Starbug?
RIMMER: (Incredulous) Jump starts the second big bang?
ANDY: Well, that's the final irony, isn't it? Lister, the ultimate atheist, turns out in fact to be God!
LISTER: _What_?!
ANDY: It's all in the Captain's message. It's all in the microdot. Hang on a minute! Are you ... are you seriously telling me you were playing the pratt version of Rimmer for all that time? For four years?! Wow, that's a classic that is! That's a classic!