I had a conversation recently with an old friend on the subject of friendship. In the case of this particular friend, he's only recently come to appreciate how much his friendships mean to him, and how much he has handicapped himself by moving to Stoke-on-Trent, so far away from the people he knows in London and elsewhere. I pointed out that although the distance was not insignificant, it was not necessarily an obstacle to staying in touch, given easy access to telephones and the Internet.
At heart my belief is that is you develop a close bond with someone then it actually doesn't matter how much or little you see or speak to each other due to circumstance. What does matter is that both of you make an effort to keep that bond going - even if you are only able to cross paths once a year, as long as you can commit to doing so then all is well and good.
Unfortuately though I seem to be in a position now where I don't actually have that many close friends left. Plenty of old acquaintances, but very few people willing to reciprocate in terms of making an effort to stay in touch. I lost touch with everyone I went to school with years ago. My university friends are now somewhat distant and estranged, and although I spent over four years in a band I'm no longer in touch with the other members. The greatest tragedy though is that I have twice been selected to be a mate's best man and their wedding, but now I hardly hear from both grooms. The few friends I have these days are gaming pals, but I am left to wonder what would happen if we didn't have our games to keep bringing us together.
To me this is a great shame, but I am am rather perplexed as to how all this has come to pass. To me it doesn't feel like I did anything wrong. I kept my part of the bargain, and in pretty much every case it feels like things petered out because the other person no longer made an effort. As a case in point, a former best friend (and one of the grooms above) went through a period of not returning my e-mails and phonecalls, and after standing me up without explanation and apology after agreeing to meet me I eventually threw the towel in.
It gnaws at me though. Maybe I did something wrong, but I just didn't realise it? I'd be inclined to accept this it if was just one or two cases, but when confronted with so many instances it just doesn't quite add up. Unless there is something intrinsically wrong with me that make people disinclined to value my friendship in the first place? But if that was true then how do I explain the friends I *do* have at the moment? It simply doesn't add up.
Putting this enigma to one side, a related (and one could say resulting) dilemma is my need to seek out *new* friends. As one gets older it's very easy to get set in your ways and its becomes harder to reach out in new directions. That's one of the reasons why I've stuck with this site - and with SGUK in particular for so long - it gives me a prime opportunity to mix with people of a similar spirit and inclination. I've never been very good at striking out on my own or breaking the ice, but the web site serves as a useful crutch in aid of face-to-face social interaction.
I have come to realise though that even though I've been a member of the site for over six years and I've met a number of you quite regularly, I don't really know any of you as well as I'd like to. Again, I'm not sure whether I've done anything wrong, but it is a situation that I'd like to change, assuming it is possible to do so. I do worry about whether my blog comments are well or poorly received. I do worry about remembering people's names and birthdays and stuff. I do worry about the impression I make both online and in person.
I wonder whether some of my difficulties in making (and keeping) friends have been related to my ability to express myself effectively. I'm not much of an extrovert, but I am quite stoic, solid and upbeat character to the extent that I rarely complain about my circumstance or about the injustices of the world. I don't feel comfortable talking much about my job because it's so dull, and it's difficult for me to articulate my role-playing experiences with people who don't understand the hobby. Although I can talk about TV and film until the cows come home I can appreciate that this might make me seem a little shallow.
*sighs*
I'm not really sure what the point of this blog actually is. I guess as I'm getting older I'm starting to appreciate the value of friendships more and maybe I'm not capitalising on the opportunities that this site is presenting to me as much as I should be. I guess though I also need the help of you people who actually read this blog to give me some pointers on what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong, and how I can do better...
At heart my belief is that is you develop a close bond with someone then it actually doesn't matter how much or little you see or speak to each other due to circumstance. What does matter is that both of you make an effort to keep that bond going - even if you are only able to cross paths once a year, as long as you can commit to doing so then all is well and good.
Unfortuately though I seem to be in a position now where I don't actually have that many close friends left. Plenty of old acquaintances, but very few people willing to reciprocate in terms of making an effort to stay in touch. I lost touch with everyone I went to school with years ago. My university friends are now somewhat distant and estranged, and although I spent over four years in a band I'm no longer in touch with the other members. The greatest tragedy though is that I have twice been selected to be a mate's best man and their wedding, but now I hardly hear from both grooms. The few friends I have these days are gaming pals, but I am left to wonder what would happen if we didn't have our games to keep bringing us together.
To me this is a great shame, but I am am rather perplexed as to how all this has come to pass. To me it doesn't feel like I did anything wrong. I kept my part of the bargain, and in pretty much every case it feels like things petered out because the other person no longer made an effort. As a case in point, a former best friend (and one of the grooms above) went through a period of not returning my e-mails and phonecalls, and after standing me up without explanation and apology after agreeing to meet me I eventually threw the towel in.
It gnaws at me though. Maybe I did something wrong, but I just didn't realise it? I'd be inclined to accept this it if was just one or two cases, but when confronted with so many instances it just doesn't quite add up. Unless there is something intrinsically wrong with me that make people disinclined to value my friendship in the first place? But if that was true then how do I explain the friends I *do* have at the moment? It simply doesn't add up.
Putting this enigma to one side, a related (and one could say resulting) dilemma is my need to seek out *new* friends. As one gets older it's very easy to get set in your ways and its becomes harder to reach out in new directions. That's one of the reasons why I've stuck with this site - and with SGUK in particular for so long - it gives me a prime opportunity to mix with people of a similar spirit and inclination. I've never been very good at striking out on my own or breaking the ice, but the web site serves as a useful crutch in aid of face-to-face social interaction.
I have come to realise though that even though I've been a member of the site for over six years and I've met a number of you quite regularly, I don't really know any of you as well as I'd like to. Again, I'm not sure whether I've done anything wrong, but it is a situation that I'd like to change, assuming it is possible to do so. I do worry about whether my blog comments are well or poorly received. I do worry about remembering people's names and birthdays and stuff. I do worry about the impression I make both online and in person.
I wonder whether some of my difficulties in making (and keeping) friends have been related to my ability to express myself effectively. I'm not much of an extrovert, but I am quite stoic, solid and upbeat character to the extent that I rarely complain about my circumstance or about the injustices of the world. I don't feel comfortable talking much about my job because it's so dull, and it's difficult for me to articulate my role-playing experiences with people who don't understand the hobby. Although I can talk about TV and film until the cows come home I can appreciate that this might make me seem a little shallow.
*sighs*
I'm not really sure what the point of this blog actually is. I guess as I'm getting older I'm starting to appreciate the value of friendships more and maybe I'm not capitalising on the opportunities that this site is presenting to me as much as I should be. I guess though I also need the help of you people who actually read this blog to give me some pointers on what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong, and how I can do better...
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I think Splice has been treated a bit unfairly really, there's been pretty much zero publicity about it's release, I wouldn't have even known about it myself were it not for checking the times of another film and spotting it and I was interested in it from the start . Maybe it's not really designed with cinema in mind unlike a lot of the guff that shows nowadays. It is interesting and (perhaps deliberate?) that the film itself is a combination of an intelligent character piece and a B-movie.
The Pusher Trilogy is good, really good. I recommend you watch all three films within a few days of each other then you'll be able to pick up the re-occurring minor characters and the interconnectedness.
I've recently started doing an Open University course but I'm not very good at it and I'm not really enjoying it at all either to be frank. I think I've realised that I can write loads about things I have a vested interest in be it music, films or comics or something else as you've probably gathered but as for academia I just can't get the words to flow and it comes out stilted .
I've often toyed with the idea of doing a blog with music and film reviews and stuff on, which other people have suggested, guess I've just never got 'round to it and as weird as it may sound it kind of feels less impersonal when you know the people who read your stuff, although there's no doubt lots of people I don't know too given the size of SG.
I can empathise with your thoughts on friendship, outside of SG I have hardly any friends at all. I have one who's probably more of an acquaintance really rather than a friend that I met through work who I see occasionally for cinema outings and mutual therapy sessions. Since I'm outside her social circle she tells me anything and everything about what's troubling her in the knowledge that none of her friends are going to find out. Aside from that it's just acquaintances from night school that I don't really see outside of nightchool and no-one else.
I used to be good friends with someone else I met through work and we'd go to gigs,go see films and go to the pub pretty regularly but he got another job and we just started meeting up less and less and I seemed to be the only one making an effort and it really got me down as to why suddenly I wasn't worth the effort any more and I didn't have anyone to go to gigs with any more either which got me down even more. I don't make friends easily due to my insecurity and lack of self confidence, especially when it comes to guys. I think I compare myself to them and get reminded of all the things I don't have, case in point an old school friend is now living next door to me with his wife and 2 kids in the house he bought and he's also a manager for the same company I work for, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth in the what have you done with your life? sense really.
Friendship is a funny thing, I genuinely don't understand how it works sometimes, the girl I met at work I mentioned before, we have nothing in common aside from we used to work at the same place but we always have loads to talk about when we meet up. Another girl I used to be involved with randomly texts me occasionally just to see how I am out of some misguided notion we're friends even though the only thing between us is we used to be involved,we'll never see each other again so it confuses me that the pretence of friendship continues especially when she asks me whether I've met anyone else and tells me how amazing I am, etc, erm it's a bit late for that no?
I think I can pretty safely say that I'd be a complete utter mess if I didn't have the friends I've met through SG, since I wouldn't have anyone of evenremotely similar tastes to socially engage.
I always appreciate comments from people whether they're regular or just pop up and say something profound every six months like a literary Silent Bob. I appreciate other people's views on things and I'm always up for debate about stuff since frankly I don't get much in the way of intelligent conversation on an average week. The vast majority of people where I work seem to be from some other alternate dimension where people seem to either read The Sun and only talk about sex,football and the weather or The Daily Mail and voice their xenophobic opinions about anyone who isn't exactly like them and talk about the weather.
I realise this is probably the longest comment in the history of SG, I write like I talk.