Today I was digging thought old stuff, and I came across something I wrote a very long time ago...shit Im young it was only 4 years ago. Mind you I am locked up in a Texas prison, I am off drugs so my mind is somewhat stable...so here we go. xoxo Hendrix
I sometimes stop and think about people. just people in general. people are funny. how they choose to spend their time. you would exspecailly notice how people are if your like me. im the quite type. most of the time im in my own little world. this is where im happy. i zone out for a while and dont even notice the hours that fly by me, but i relize im in that state of mind when its occuring. im a loner, but people tend to want to share a freindship with me. its funny really all through school i didnt think of myself as popular, but the people i hung around with always said i was very well liked by everyone. its funny how far my looks have gotten me in life and where. i dont even like people. well thats a lie, i do. i like people to like me, but i really think people tend to be messy. in another words people talk to much, and about to many people. i myself would rather not put myself in the postion, to be talked about. which is rather hard i might say. if people do talk about me its because im a little insane, but beautiful. there is always those two sides of me. crazy, beautiful. Hmmmm thats a rather weird tune to it. yes yes but the truth. i think there is only one person in this world who truly knows me. both the crazy and beautiful sides, and well sad to say he split, but thats a long story, that in due time i will get to. right now though i am going to rant on about myself and my thoughts for the day.
i have found out its best to keep myself to myself. the crazy side anyway, but i will show people the beautiful side, thats really all they want to see anyway right? because thats really how people are right. only see what you want to , and the rest is outta site outta mind. as i said before, i often stop to think about people, they humor me. its sad really though how they get cheap threal out of their life. not really looking at the big picture, but what smacks them in the face. i often visulize myslfe smacking them around, not the only thing i visulize, but that will come in due time too.
political, religious, educational, are some of the human race walking the earth doing what they were taught reality really is. and they try to comform us in their image as was done to them. order, rules, regulations informing forming in our minds their views of reality. what is the truth. a real person. not someone they told you you were. or maybe im just paranoid, but i believe i am genuin, and i also believe their are others like me. only people like me are so hard to find, and their scared, cause when we are found out people tend to shut us down. throw us around, till we are scared to even show out our true colors, just as they and we all still live this lie, like its ok. people are so funny, or maybe my mind is finally eatting away at my brain. sitting in this prison all i have is time. nothing more. just time to drive myself crazy with my thoughts. maybe this is what they want, why they put me here. the attoritys. funny huh?
it all started around six years ago. i was sitting at my sisters vanity in garlang, texas, looking at myself, brushing my long blonde hair with quick strokes. my green eyes big as i stare into the mirror. i am trying to hurry my self. it seems like i had less time back then. waiting on my mother to come and take me away from from my grandparents house where my father rested his last days. it was the last time i saw him lively. he came into the room to wish me good-bye, only to kiss his baby-girl, his youngest of two. for the last time. sadly i pushed him away quickly because i was in too much of a hurry to leave. i hated it there- it made me depressed. if i would of known then what i know now i would of stayed till the day of his last dying breath. i wish he were alive today. i would ask him so many questions. i would also probley save myself of being were i am today but i can not change my fate as i cant bring him back.
Some odd days later he died of a heartattack in his sleep. the hospital was able to retreive him, but he only lie there like a vegtable. febuary 25 1999 was the last time i ever saw him him when they gentley pulled the plug on his dealth bed. but thats all bad memories i try to forget.but still unable to, for the past six years. i dont know if i will ever get over it all.
im 20 now and sitting in a prison in texas. i only have two years which is a blessing from the man above. i know that when my father died is when i stopped caring about myself a. for awhile i thought i was to blame for his dealth, of a broken heart. but thats all word play and he didnt he died of a heartattack, because he too gave up caring of his life. because of that i started to slip slowly down hill toward my ending. to the point where i break like a wild stalion. nothing could calm me. no one to tame me, but i did find something that would due.
when i was 15 i started experimenting with drugs just like any normal teen, but my addiction went far deeper. ive done most everything: mariquana, acid, cocane, barbituates, uppers, downers, shrooms, pills of all kinds, but the one i loved the most would have to be herion. when i was ten i would remeber myself saying i would never do such a drug because one i was innocent back then and two because i had a horrible terror of needles. "i wont ever shoot anything into my veins." yeah but that thought fades when your tired of snorting the herion through your nose. the burn seems to hurt worse every time you do it. i'll just try it once and turn my head while a friend shoots it into my virgin veins. only once ha i bet i was thinking that after 5 seconds of waiting and i fall over because the drug has taken hold and i am now in heaven. pure bliss. i fell in love with the drug quickly, and why not the drug took me away to another place, where there is no pain my happy place,my drug, my greed that starts to take hold and my addiction that lands me where i am today.
March 18th 2001 i had overdosed on some black tar. my friend helped to get the stuff was ether really good or i just did way to much. i remember my shot. i had just made it up, probley 70 units of a black substance i couldnt even see through when i put it up to the light.
i had died that night. fell off from the face of the earth. i dont know if my heart stopped or justed slowed down so much i could no longer breath. i didnt see any brite light leading me home, no angels, no god. nothing. just picth black. no memory at all.
i do remember lights accending briter, where i lye looking up at a clock on the wall, this was the first thing i saw. apparently im in a hospital and there are nurse's over me putting needles in my arms, sticking catherters inside me. all i hear is a mumbling at first, then i understand their language. do i know where im at, do i know who i am, do i know what has happened? these questions pore out their mouths as they look at me like i am insane. yes of course i do, what the fuck is going on?
that fat black shot cost me my freedom, but even if i knew that then i still would of done it. fucking greed. it will kill us all someday. sometimes i wish it would of back then.
i didnt get arrested that day, no it was a year later. i was at a carnaval in plano texas. my dumb ass was trying to trade conterfit money for real.buying a soda here and keeping the change. something cheap all payed with 20's. i didnt make the money i was only trying to 'help' out someone i was doing 'ice' (meth) with. i was with my high school sweet heart chase and another guy i had only met that night. its really weird being held captive by a bunch of carnies. like a bad acid trip. there was no migits though, but would of felt even more appropate for the bad time. i probley would of had a better chance to run away from a bunch of carnie migets. but i didnt run, which it was an opition. all though i couldnt because i had on three inch heels. i probley would of fallen and broken my ankel. so i declined the offer chase had thrown at me, said i would stand there like a real man. which i am more than he'll ever be.even in his dreams. chase is a story all on his own though. and a big part of my life up untill this point or shall i say 10 months ago. which is the last time i saw him.
it was febuary of 04' chase and i were stuck in Dallas, his car broke down, and we had just scored some dope off these mexicans i knew. his car was worn down a real peice of shit, and we just blew a tire out. we fixed the tire, fixed up a couple of shots of my specialty speed-balls. a combination of coke and herion. which i had just turned him on to again thoughout our 2 years of doing dope together. we shot the dope, tweaked out on the car and walked around Dallas a bit.
i dont know if we were inlove with each other anymore or if we were just in love with doing the dope, or just doing dope together period. whatever, but i know i was very inlove with him, and it took me over six months to get over him... i do still love him to this day. he was my sweetheart, and i will always have a place for him in my heart. only back then our relationship went raw and we were so into herion that we didnt even care about the love anymore. we were together 2 years and in these 2 years we did everthing together. we were so perfict for each other. it makes me sick
but there is a end to everything, and i soon found that out after a week of not hearing from him. after our episode in Dallas. i can still remeber it as if it were yesterday, only now the pain isnt as bad as it was then. that day a peice of me had died, and i will never find it again.
I sometimes stop and think about people. just people in general. people are funny. how they choose to spend their time. you would exspecailly notice how people are if your like me. im the quite type. most of the time im in my own little world. this is where im happy. i zone out for a while and dont even notice the hours that fly by me, but i relize im in that state of mind when its occuring. im a loner, but people tend to want to share a freindship with me. its funny really all through school i didnt think of myself as popular, but the people i hung around with always said i was very well liked by everyone. its funny how far my looks have gotten me in life and where. i dont even like people. well thats a lie, i do. i like people to like me, but i really think people tend to be messy. in another words people talk to much, and about to many people. i myself would rather not put myself in the postion, to be talked about. which is rather hard i might say. if people do talk about me its because im a little insane, but beautiful. there is always those two sides of me. crazy, beautiful. Hmmmm thats a rather weird tune to it. yes yes but the truth. i think there is only one person in this world who truly knows me. both the crazy and beautiful sides, and well sad to say he split, but thats a long story, that in due time i will get to. right now though i am going to rant on about myself and my thoughts for the day.
i have found out its best to keep myself to myself. the crazy side anyway, but i will show people the beautiful side, thats really all they want to see anyway right? because thats really how people are right. only see what you want to , and the rest is outta site outta mind. as i said before, i often stop to think about people, they humor me. its sad really though how they get cheap threal out of their life. not really looking at the big picture, but what smacks them in the face. i often visulize myslfe smacking them around, not the only thing i visulize, but that will come in due time too.
political, religious, educational, are some of the human race walking the earth doing what they were taught reality really is. and they try to comform us in their image as was done to them. order, rules, regulations informing forming in our minds their views of reality. what is the truth. a real person. not someone they told you you were. or maybe im just paranoid, but i believe i am genuin, and i also believe their are others like me. only people like me are so hard to find, and their scared, cause when we are found out people tend to shut us down. throw us around, till we are scared to even show out our true colors, just as they and we all still live this lie, like its ok. people are so funny, or maybe my mind is finally eatting away at my brain. sitting in this prison all i have is time. nothing more. just time to drive myself crazy with my thoughts. maybe this is what they want, why they put me here. the attoritys. funny huh?
it all started around six years ago. i was sitting at my sisters vanity in garlang, texas, looking at myself, brushing my long blonde hair with quick strokes. my green eyes big as i stare into the mirror. i am trying to hurry my self. it seems like i had less time back then. waiting on my mother to come and take me away from from my grandparents house where my father rested his last days. it was the last time i saw him lively. he came into the room to wish me good-bye, only to kiss his baby-girl, his youngest of two. for the last time. sadly i pushed him away quickly because i was in too much of a hurry to leave. i hated it there- it made me depressed. if i would of known then what i know now i would of stayed till the day of his last dying breath. i wish he were alive today. i would ask him so many questions. i would also probley save myself of being were i am today but i can not change my fate as i cant bring him back.
Some odd days later he died of a heartattack in his sleep. the hospital was able to retreive him, but he only lie there like a vegtable. febuary 25 1999 was the last time i ever saw him him when they gentley pulled the plug on his dealth bed. but thats all bad memories i try to forget.but still unable to, for the past six years. i dont know if i will ever get over it all.
im 20 now and sitting in a prison in texas. i only have two years which is a blessing from the man above. i know that when my father died is when i stopped caring about myself a. for awhile i thought i was to blame for his dealth, of a broken heart. but thats all word play and he didnt he died of a heartattack, because he too gave up caring of his life. because of that i started to slip slowly down hill toward my ending. to the point where i break like a wild stalion. nothing could calm me. no one to tame me, but i did find something that would due.
when i was 15 i started experimenting with drugs just like any normal teen, but my addiction went far deeper. ive done most everything: mariquana, acid, cocane, barbituates, uppers, downers, shrooms, pills of all kinds, but the one i loved the most would have to be herion. when i was ten i would remeber myself saying i would never do such a drug because one i was innocent back then and two because i had a horrible terror of needles. "i wont ever shoot anything into my veins." yeah but that thought fades when your tired of snorting the herion through your nose. the burn seems to hurt worse every time you do it. i'll just try it once and turn my head while a friend shoots it into my virgin veins. only once ha i bet i was thinking that after 5 seconds of waiting and i fall over because the drug has taken hold and i am now in heaven. pure bliss. i fell in love with the drug quickly, and why not the drug took me away to another place, where there is no pain my happy place,my drug, my greed that starts to take hold and my addiction that lands me where i am today.
March 18th 2001 i had overdosed on some black tar. my friend helped to get the stuff was ether really good or i just did way to much. i remember my shot. i had just made it up, probley 70 units of a black substance i couldnt even see through when i put it up to the light.
i had died that night. fell off from the face of the earth. i dont know if my heart stopped or justed slowed down so much i could no longer breath. i didnt see any brite light leading me home, no angels, no god. nothing. just picth black. no memory at all.
i do remember lights accending briter, where i lye looking up at a clock on the wall, this was the first thing i saw. apparently im in a hospital and there are nurse's over me putting needles in my arms, sticking catherters inside me. all i hear is a mumbling at first, then i understand their language. do i know where im at, do i know who i am, do i know what has happened? these questions pore out their mouths as they look at me like i am insane. yes of course i do, what the fuck is going on?
that fat black shot cost me my freedom, but even if i knew that then i still would of done it. fucking greed. it will kill us all someday. sometimes i wish it would of back then.
i didnt get arrested that day, no it was a year later. i was at a carnaval in plano texas. my dumb ass was trying to trade conterfit money for real.buying a soda here and keeping the change. something cheap all payed with 20's. i didnt make the money i was only trying to 'help' out someone i was doing 'ice' (meth) with. i was with my high school sweet heart chase and another guy i had only met that night. its really weird being held captive by a bunch of carnies. like a bad acid trip. there was no migits though, but would of felt even more appropate for the bad time. i probley would of had a better chance to run away from a bunch of carnie migets. but i didnt run, which it was an opition. all though i couldnt because i had on three inch heels. i probley would of fallen and broken my ankel. so i declined the offer chase had thrown at me, said i would stand there like a real man. which i am more than he'll ever be.even in his dreams. chase is a story all on his own though. and a big part of my life up untill this point or shall i say 10 months ago. which is the last time i saw him.
it was febuary of 04' chase and i were stuck in Dallas, his car broke down, and we had just scored some dope off these mexicans i knew. his car was worn down a real peice of shit, and we just blew a tire out. we fixed the tire, fixed up a couple of shots of my specialty speed-balls. a combination of coke and herion. which i had just turned him on to again thoughout our 2 years of doing dope together. we shot the dope, tweaked out on the car and walked around Dallas a bit.
i dont know if we were inlove with each other anymore or if we were just in love with doing the dope, or just doing dope together period. whatever, but i know i was very inlove with him, and it took me over six months to get over him... i do still love him to this day. he was my sweetheart, and i will always have a place for him in my heart. only back then our relationship went raw and we were so into herion that we didnt even care about the love anymore. we were together 2 years and in these 2 years we did everthing together. we were so perfict for each other. it makes me sick
but there is a end to everything, and i soon found that out after a week of not hearing from him. after our episode in Dallas. i can still remeber it as if it were yesterday, only now the pain isnt as bad as it was then. that day a peice of me had died, and i will never find it again.