I'm trying not to let the job thing get me down...
but it's sinking in..hard.
This job was going to change things for me. I was going to start saving money...to get a house.
The house would give me space enough to expand my snake business and work on making that my primary source of income...
Instead I am stuck in a shitty fucking apartment with a leaking roof and a landlord who spent the roof money on her stupid fucking dog that was dumb enough to get hit by a car...
I'm stuck in this shit hole hotel working 32 hours a week for $10 an hour...taking home $1040 a month while paying $800 a month for rent, $130 a month for our phones, and the rest to credit cards and gas.
Mowing my grandmother's lawn is the only thing that saves me from being in the red each month (I make about $120 a month doing that) but Winter is coming fast...so no more grass to mow.
Hard to find a good reason not to just put the 20 gauge to my head...
I really don't see life getting any better any time soon...
and clinging to the small shimmer of hope that I would land that job was the only thing keeping me going really...
and now...
and the really fucked up part is I just got hit with probably the largest disappointment I have faced in my adult life so far (other than rejection by many, many women) and I still can't dig up enough emotion to shed a fucking single tear about it.
Hell...I can't even dig up enough anger to punch a wall...
I'm really starting to wonder if the reason I can't succeed at anything is because I am trying too hard to be something I can't be. Maybe my destiny is to be a miserable hotel clerk.
I mean fuck...I walked in off the street and took a test for a job I had no background in. I beat out a room of people WITH EXPERIENCE and made it into the top 8. In two more interviews I pushed through 7 other people and took the number 1 slot...
and that still wasn't fucking good enough.
But that is the story of my life...
one disappointment after another.
-Me
but it's sinking in..hard.
This job was going to change things for me. I was going to start saving money...to get a house.
The house would give me space enough to expand my snake business and work on making that my primary source of income...
Instead I am stuck in a shitty fucking apartment with a leaking roof and a landlord who spent the roof money on her stupid fucking dog that was dumb enough to get hit by a car...
I'm stuck in this shit hole hotel working 32 hours a week for $10 an hour...taking home $1040 a month while paying $800 a month for rent, $130 a month for our phones, and the rest to credit cards and gas.
Mowing my grandmother's lawn is the only thing that saves me from being in the red each month (I make about $120 a month doing that) but Winter is coming fast...so no more grass to mow.
Hard to find a good reason not to just put the 20 gauge to my head...
I really don't see life getting any better any time soon...
and clinging to the small shimmer of hope that I would land that job was the only thing keeping me going really...
and now...
and the really fucked up part is I just got hit with probably the largest disappointment I have faced in my adult life so far (other than rejection by many, many women) and I still can't dig up enough emotion to shed a fucking single tear about it.
Hell...I can't even dig up enough anger to punch a wall...
I'm really starting to wonder if the reason I can't succeed at anything is because I am trying too hard to be something I can't be. Maybe my destiny is to be a miserable hotel clerk.
I mean fuck...I walked in off the street and took a test for a job I had no background in. I beat out a room of people WITH EXPERIENCE and made it into the top 8. In two more interviews I pushed through 7 other people and took the number 1 slot...
and that still wasn't fucking good enough.
But that is the story of my life...
one disappointment after another.
-Me