You know, I figured I could write all this fake pretentious bullshit to make myself sound just so flowery and wonderful, because who would know the truth? Huh?
Im an classical piano officianado, a well acheived Muay Tai kickboxer, with an MSN who runs an entire floor in Rush Hospital in Chicago that specializes in experimental cardiac and neurological operations, and owns a beautiful 3 story mansion in the Hamptons, and just married her prince charming in a fairy tale wedding over this past spring. White horse drawn carriage and everything.
...What would be the point in lying? Am I competing with the Dos Equis guy now? Aside from kickboxing and perhaps someday running a neurological ward, the rest of it just isnt going to happen. And thats fine with me. Most of the shit I post is interesting enough for the most part. Or at least I think so....for whatever reason.
So just to warn you, Im going to be blisteringly honest and personal in my blogs. (like I havnt been already...I apologize for my occasional rants
) I bitch and moan and complain alot. Im not looking for pity, just perhaps a laugh or two. Shit, if I cant laugh at myself anymore, someone has to.
These past few weeks have been hard, and when Im depressed I tend to just fall off the earth.
POOF! Gone.
To everyone and nearly everything. Even my online ventures. When I go "bipolar bonkers" I usually keep it to myself. I dont see my closest friends, talk or even text on my phone, or have any correspondence on my internet profiles. I dont really understand what happens to me. I feel bad though, because my best friend thinks I must have overdosed and ended up face down in a gutter outside the nearest Chi town rave. Im havnt. Usually I take chemicals of some sort and sleep for as long as I can physically keep my eyes shut, or get hopped on some other chemicals and burn the candle at both ends while partying crazy style with my equally nutso co-workers. I can say Im a bit of a mess right now, but I guess Im just like any other 24 year old who recently hit a snag in her life plans.
WELCOME TO BEING YOUNG. Fucking up a few years of your life is a right of passage...or perhaps thats just me trying to make excuses for myself again. Probably the latter.
The medications for my seizures are causing sort of "night terrors", or so Ive been told. You know how falling asleep is instantaneous, where you will never remember that exact moment it finally overtook your speeding thoughts? Well, I get caught in some sort of encephalic limbo, a place in which I know Im beginning to fall asleep, but freak out because I shouldnt be aware of it. It happens so slowly that illusions start dancing on my eyelids like precursers to REM level sleep. Or perhaps Im already dreaming and Im dreaming of this same thing. IDK. But it creeps me the hell out either way and I consciously try to stop it. I now know Im caught in a dream state, and struggle to wake myself . I try to scream, move, roll over, only I cant, and at the height of the experience I feel as though I stop breathing, and if I cant wake myself I think I will suffocate. Then POOF, Im awake again. Its really weird. Breathing is an involuntary action, but it just stops. It feels as though youre diving, and youre so far down that you have the frightening realization that the waters life sustaining surface might not return quick enough to keep you alive, or maybe it will. Its the what if, the fear of the unknown.
Then on goes the music and the lights, and I try to sleep again.
$&^$#%B &%*%^090- !!!! Gargle, struggle, sweat, scream...POOF, Im awake again. Breathe. Fuck this shit, Im sleepin' with my mom now.
UGHHHH. I dont know what it is about these fucking seizures. The next few weeks after I have one, I seem to struggle with nightmares and shit. Shit, referring to gaining weight.
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY YAY!!!!!!!! My favorite fucking thing, gaining more weight. You think your doing good, and life throws a damn curveball at you.
Eh. My apologies. I needed to rant a tad. I promise my next entry will be better. Probably never rainbows, puffy clouds, and lollipops, but after dealing with some bullshit I get an attack of creativity and insight. It ebbs and flows like the tides. I fall off the earth, then Im back on it full tilt.
I joke about going "bipolar bonkers", perhaps there is some truth to it though....
Im an classical piano officianado, a well acheived Muay Tai kickboxer, with an MSN who runs an entire floor in Rush Hospital in Chicago that specializes in experimental cardiac and neurological operations, and owns a beautiful 3 story mansion in the Hamptons, and just married her prince charming in a fairy tale wedding over this past spring. White horse drawn carriage and everything.
...What would be the point in lying? Am I competing with the Dos Equis guy now? Aside from kickboxing and perhaps someday running a neurological ward, the rest of it just isnt going to happen. And thats fine with me. Most of the shit I post is interesting enough for the most part. Or at least I think so....for whatever reason.
So just to warn you, Im going to be blisteringly honest and personal in my blogs. (like I havnt been already...I apologize for my occasional rants
) I bitch and moan and complain alot. Im not looking for pity, just perhaps a laugh or two. Shit, if I cant laugh at myself anymore, someone has to.These past few weeks have been hard, and when Im depressed I tend to just fall off the earth.
POOF! Gone.
To everyone and nearly everything. Even my online ventures. When I go "bipolar bonkers" I usually keep it to myself. I dont see my closest friends, talk or even text on my phone, or have any correspondence on my internet profiles. I dont really understand what happens to me. I feel bad though, because my best friend thinks I must have overdosed and ended up face down in a gutter outside the nearest Chi town rave. Im havnt. Usually I take chemicals of some sort and sleep for as long as I can physically keep my eyes shut, or get hopped on some other chemicals and burn the candle at both ends while partying crazy style with my equally nutso co-workers. I can say Im a bit of a mess right now, but I guess Im just like any other 24 year old who recently hit a snag in her life plans.
WELCOME TO BEING YOUNG. Fucking up a few years of your life is a right of passage...or perhaps thats just me trying to make excuses for myself again. Probably the latter.
The medications for my seizures are causing sort of "night terrors", or so Ive been told. You know how falling asleep is instantaneous, where you will never remember that exact moment it finally overtook your speeding thoughts? Well, I get caught in some sort of encephalic limbo, a place in which I know Im beginning to fall asleep, but freak out because I shouldnt be aware of it. It happens so slowly that illusions start dancing on my eyelids like precursers to REM level sleep. Or perhaps Im already dreaming and Im dreaming of this same thing. IDK. But it creeps me the hell out either way and I consciously try to stop it. I now know Im caught in a dream state, and struggle to wake myself . I try to scream, move, roll over, only I cant, and at the height of the experience I feel as though I stop breathing, and if I cant wake myself I think I will suffocate. Then POOF, Im awake again. Its really weird. Breathing is an involuntary action, but it just stops. It feels as though youre diving, and youre so far down that you have the frightening realization that the waters life sustaining surface might not return quick enough to keep you alive, or maybe it will. Its the what if, the fear of the unknown.
Then on goes the music and the lights, and I try to sleep again.
$&^$#%B &%*%^090- !!!! Gargle, struggle, sweat, scream...POOF, Im awake again. Breathe. Fuck this shit, Im sleepin' with my mom now.
UGHHHH. I dont know what it is about these fucking seizures. The next few weeks after I have one, I seem to struggle with nightmares and shit. Shit, referring to gaining weight.
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY YAY!!!!!!!! My favorite fucking thing, gaining more weight. You think your doing good, and life throws a damn curveball at you.
Eh. My apologies. I needed to rant a tad. I promise my next entry will be better. Probably never rainbows, puffy clouds, and lollipops, but after dealing with some bullshit I get an attack of creativity and insight. It ebbs and flows like the tides. I fall off the earth, then Im back on it full tilt.
I joke about going "bipolar bonkers", perhaps there is some truth to it though....
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
gorillamitts:
Fuck BiPolar... Everyone love to just "recluse" every now and again.. I do it because the people out there give me Anxeity like no other
porphyria:
Im excited to see your new set, I see its in queue, I think your adorable. Good luck!