very interesting night...at least after work. there is a girl, I shall refer to her as "Her" for this blog (for anonymity sake). she used to stop by and we could talk for a half hour or longer. now she stops by sporadically (at least when compared to when I work).
tonight was one of those nights......I got out of work around midnight and ended up leaving around 1:30 AM. albeit, it might look like a good sign, but also pretty much sure she has no interest.
what got interesting was how the conversation eventually went along the lines of how she "obsesses" over people that need fixing. her first love committed suicide a few months after breaking off all contact with her. and that's something she's carried with her since then.
so I have things to ponder. I get along great with this girl....but in the past, many of my relationships seem to involve "damaged goods" in one way or another (one girlfriend lost her mother to AIDS related complications, never knew her father until around 8th grade, was raised by her grandparents....and her grandfather died around the time she lost her mother. we started dating 2 years later....you can see what I mean?). part of that attracts the "counselor" or "listener" or "fixer" in me....but part of me goes "all I want is a normal relationship where she's not trying to fix a broken life." I admit, I have my own baggage....but that's stuff I have been neatly packing up and dealing with as need be, and moving on. and in some ways feel like I'm at a point in my life where, while its there, the baggage does not define me. I define me. that or I've managed to do some serious repression and built up some pretty amazing walls that no one will be able to break down.
so leaves me in a quandary. she fascinates me and intrigues me and makes me feel....happy? but on the flip side....no chance of dating (it seems) and the entire "I want to fix this person" mentality might irritate me. I'm not a charity case or a broken toy. and I want an equal and someone who will grow with me. too much to ask for?
honestly....when did life get so complicated and does it seem like I'm destined for a single life and never finding a somewhat stable woman interested in me?
after getting home, some chilling and re-doing my mp3 player. when I work the overnight shifts, I play music to listen to. I have erased my mp3 player and re-did the playlist...very heavy on Rush and Dream Theater. the previous list was heavy on Lacuna Coil and Shiny Toy Guns. my problem....I have a good memory and hate repetition. and I found myself hitting "next" on the mp3 player many times. and that's just annoying!
now time to hang up some shirts and potentially sleep. or journal. or something....who knows!
tonight was one of those nights......I got out of work around midnight and ended up leaving around 1:30 AM. albeit, it might look like a good sign, but also pretty much sure she has no interest.
what got interesting was how the conversation eventually went along the lines of how she "obsesses" over people that need fixing. her first love committed suicide a few months after breaking off all contact with her. and that's something she's carried with her since then.
so I have things to ponder. I get along great with this girl....but in the past, many of my relationships seem to involve "damaged goods" in one way or another (one girlfriend lost her mother to AIDS related complications, never knew her father until around 8th grade, was raised by her grandparents....and her grandfather died around the time she lost her mother. we started dating 2 years later....you can see what I mean?). part of that attracts the "counselor" or "listener" or "fixer" in me....but part of me goes "all I want is a normal relationship where she's not trying to fix a broken life." I admit, I have my own baggage....but that's stuff I have been neatly packing up and dealing with as need be, and moving on. and in some ways feel like I'm at a point in my life where, while its there, the baggage does not define me. I define me. that or I've managed to do some serious repression and built up some pretty amazing walls that no one will be able to break down.
so leaves me in a quandary. she fascinates me and intrigues me and makes me feel....happy? but on the flip side....no chance of dating (it seems) and the entire "I want to fix this person" mentality might irritate me. I'm not a charity case or a broken toy. and I want an equal and someone who will grow with me. too much to ask for?
honestly....when did life get so complicated and does it seem like I'm destined for a single life and never finding a somewhat stable woman interested in me?
after getting home, some chilling and re-doing my mp3 player. when I work the overnight shifts, I play music to listen to. I have erased my mp3 player and re-did the playlist...very heavy on Rush and Dream Theater. the previous list was heavy on Lacuna Coil and Shiny Toy Guns. my problem....I have a good memory and hate repetition. and I found myself hitting "next" on the mp3 player many times. and that's just annoying!
now time to hang up some shirts and potentially sleep. or journal. or something....who knows!