heckler

Time to get back to the adventure I think.
I now I left it only a few days in but at this moment I really can't face writing about those wonderful days in any detail. It already seems so long ago, so distant & right now it hurts too much to think in detail about it. I was looking through my photos ready to post this blog with a huge smile on my face & yet my eyes were filled with tears.
So I'm gonna skip to the end. Or at least the end of our 1st adventure. I hope we'll have many more in the future. Without that hope I'd be a quivering mess curled up in the corner right now.
That last night was an amazing night. But also one of the worst nights of my life. I got to hold her close, kiss her, hold her as she slept, make love to her, all the time knowing I'd have to get back on that plane the next day. I wanted that night to last forever but instead it seemed to be over in an instant. No sooner had we gone to bed than it was time to get up again. We drove out to a secluded spot just outta town that she wanted to show me. She told me its one of the of the few places around which has any green at all. & after seeing BC I can understand why she had to show it to me. The area around calgary is rather bleak to put it mildly. everything is brown. It has its own kinda beauty but I'm like her. I come from a place that is green all year round. Of every hue you can imagine. I'm not sure how I'd cope if were to have to live without it.
There are no photos of that last day. I really couldn't face taking any. I think she was the same. All we could do was look at each other, hold each other, touch each other. Even speaking was too painful a lot of the time. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did that day. I'm not ashamed to say that. We were both the same. One second we'd be laughing over something, grinning like idiots & the next we'd be clinging to each other with tears rolling down our cheeks, then a few minutes later we'd be back to the laughter.
I've never been able to make & hold eye contact with anybody my entire life. It makes me feel so uncomfortable its hard to describe. The only person I've ever met that I had the opposite problem with was the girl I was with right then. I could look into her eyes for an eternity. Except for that day. Because it was too painful. I couldn't do it. I tried & tried but I found it impossible. Looking into her eyes just brought the realisation that in a few hours we'd be apart. & that was just too much to take.
That morning seemed to be gone so fucking fast & before I knew it we had to leave for the airport. That journey was made in almost total silence. We made a few half hearted attempts at conversation but the emotion was just too much & after a few seconds we'd be back to silence again. We held hands the entire way just as we'd done through all those miles & hours we'd spent on the road during those 16 days. But this time it wasn't for the pleasure of being close to each other. It as the Fear of being apart. We weren't relaxed & taking comfort from each others touch, It was holding on tight, clinging onto each other, clinging on to our time together.
At the airport I check in my bag & collect my boarding pass & then we go find a seat. Get some coffee & try enjoy those last couple of hours together. I barely remember a thing we spoke about & yet I can remember clearly the way she sat, the way her hair fell across her forehead, the way her hand felt in mine, the way she smelled, the way her lips tasted when I kissed her. everything else. After several walks around the airport terminal, just because sitting was to hard. It was time for us to part. I'd left it pretty much as late as I could before heading through the security & out to the gate. From the terminal building we could see my plane at its stand. Waiting to take me away from her. We stood there clinging to each other for as long as we could. Both crying. barely able to speak. Trying to hold onto that feeling of each others bodies being close, almost as one, for every second we could. But then came probably the worst moment in my life. No. it was the worst. We ran out of time. I had to leave her. Thats one moment I always remember with perfect clarity for the rest of my days. We kissed again & again I wiped a tear from her cheek. One of many, so many that it seemed such a futile thing to do & yet that feeling of my hand stroking her cheek, the moisture of her tear on my hand, the look in her eyes as I did it made me glad I did. It was as big a comfort as I was capable of giving or feeling myself. It was nothing & everything at the same time. I stepped back from her. our hands separated. I said to her that I had to go. now. We stood staring at each other for what felt like hours but was probably only a second or 2. & then I made to turn towards the security point. As I did she grabbed m hand again. pulling me back towards her. I stepped towards her, holding her one last time then pulled myself away. The next moment is the one I hate more than any other in my life. She was gripping tight to my hand, refusing to let go. I had to yank my hand away from hers. Actually forcibly separate my self from her. I hate myself for doing it. for having to do it.
I turned my back on her & left. I passed through the security trying not to look back towards her stood just a short distance away but already unreachable. I failed a kept glancing towards her. My whole body trembling. I managed to stop the tears, though I don't know how. I think by that point I'd gone beyond being able to cry. After the security the corridor turned to the right so I stopped & turned back around. Seeing her for that one last time. So obviously upset & there was nothing I could do. Another guy who'd been saying goodbye to someone else was talking to her, I guess trying to comfort her. & all I could think is "that should be me. I should be there for her" But I couldn't be. At that moment I tried rather pathetically to wave to her, but I could barely manage to raise my arm. My entire body felt like it was made outta lead. Then a large group of people came around the corner & blocked her from my view. I strained to try & see her again. I caught a glimpse of her hair through massed people & that was it.
The adventure was over
The place where I finally felt I belonged was behind me
The woman I wanted to touch & hold & be with more than anything in my life was beyond reach

I spent the flight & the drive home from the airport feeling numb. Its the only word I that even comes close to expressing how I felt. It was only when I talked to her online. Saw her face on the webcam that I was able to feel anything anything again. Then the tears started all over again

I love her
those 3 words say everything I want to say & yet can never say enough
I love her
That's all I've got to hold onto right now
Its not enough
But it all I got. Its all WE'VE got

I love you Marvel
& I always will


I've written this entire thing with tears streaming down my face, I think I've got through half a box of tissues. Why is life so cruel that it gives me the one & only person I've ever felt totally comfortable to be around & separate is by such a great distance & by circumstance that makes it so hard for us to be together