heathen

Initially, I barely noticed the flyer hanging in the coffee shop. A local art studio needed a nude model for it’s weekly drawing class. Not really the sort of thing someone struggling with social anxiety tends to gravitate toward.

You always hear about that cliché nightmare when the dreamer finds themselves standing naked in a crowded room. A horrific moment for anyone, right? Let alone for someone who’s suffered severe depression and crippling anxiety for nearly the length of their memory. The kind of anxiety that sweeps over you like a nauseating heat and leaves you wrenching. The depth of depression that nearly swallows you whole every day.

Well, at some point I found myself standing there. Not in some cliché nightmare, but in actuality. Why? I guess I figured if I could force myself to do something like that, I could easily manage a conversation… or so I thought. Maybe I had gotten the idea from one of those phobia documentaries I had seen - slow exposure… Except that I chose the opposite end of the spectrum and jumped headlong into what I thought would probably be one of the most awkward decisions of my life.

It wasn’t. It changed me and of a lot of my views more than I would have ever guessed.

There’s something intriguing about seeing yourself from the perspective of so many other people. Everyone sees you as something different. You start seeing yourself differently too.

I want to thank some of the artists that have drawn me over the years, without people like you I wouldn't have started on this journey. Unfortunately I'm getting a bug when I try to link to their profiles while I write this, but please check them out as members here or on instagram.

Artist: Jimcurt99 (SG member & Instagram)

Artist: Johnnysniper (SG member)

Artist: Skummed (IG)

Artist: itspogues (SG & IG)

Artist: iamjavo (IG)

At some point, the entire job became more about introspection and meditation. A lot of my insecurities faded and the experience became something positive and empowering, perhaps accompanied by some newfound vanity.

Drawn to the style and creativity of ladies like Squeak and Vivid, I decided to start shooting sets for Suicide Girls shortly after. Lorelei Suicide shot my first hopeful set, back when I had never been in front of a camera before.

Everyone I met through the community was just my kind of weird. And most importantly to me, the Suicide Girls and hopefuls I met were understanding of the personality quirks caused by my mental illness. It’s the sort of thing that has driven people away my entire life. I had managed to keep a few close friends throughout it all, only the kind of people that could endure the manic highs and soul crushing lows. Friends were more of a rarity for someone like me -until I joined this community where everyone seemed to have a story of their own and a sense of compassion about it.

Sometimes loneliness feels more debilitating than the illness itself. Here, I found an amazing group of women willing to shoulder the burden with me, even if only because they were kind enough to listen when it felt like no one else cared to. I met a lot of people in the past who liked to boast their own goodness, but when darkness overcame me they were no where to be found. In truth, the best people I’ve ever known never care to uphold some pristine image - rather they wear their hearts on their sleeves alongside their tattoos.

Going Pink.

I took the 6 hour drive from where I lived in Iowa at the time to Chicago. After braiding in 15 lbs of extra hair with my synthetic dreads (a 6 hour process in itself) and picking out my all time favorite Betsy Johnson jacket, I was ready to shoot with Writeboy. The location ended up having no AC and the temperature rose over 112 degrees. Luckily, I at least got to strip off the clothes. The photographer and his assistant weren’t so fortunate. Serious thanks for enduring the fires of hell for my sake ;)

I’m a nature girl at heart so when I’m staying in the city and away from the woods, I find myself trying to recreate that serene environment. It’s soothing to be surrounded by thriving, vibrant life. I loosely themed my set around this idea.

Terrarium made set of the day.

I remember seeing it at 99% loved, bringing the biggest smile to my face.

Since then, I’ve traveled more places than I ever intended and have met some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever encountered. Massive shoot fests and wild road trips. There’s always someone up for an adventure. It’s the sort of life I could have never imagined having with this illness. This experience has taught me that it doesn’t have to define me- I’ve been given the opportunity to define myself.

My words always leave me feeling more exposed than any photo I’ve ever posted. Our most beautiful pieces rest within. Bits of our soul we share with each other in hopes it will be celebrated, and with a bit of fear it may be rejected. Thanks to everyone in this community who chooses to applaud the differences that make us each beautiful, inside and out. You’ve changed my life.