Written after...3 beers, one gin and tonic and a glass of so so shiraz (Wolfblass red label...it could be worse) and not nearly enough to eat:
Years ago now I read Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse. I related much to it, but found out later that he though none but those in their later or middle age should be able to do so. He is probably right. Even so, it was a scene at the end of the book when he goes to a strange theatre (a bizarre journey thought time, space and his own mind) that I found something quite moving.
He talks of a girl from his youth, black hair and beautiful who he saw once on a bridge. He never talked to her and yet now found himself loving her that sunny afternoon and finding a whole life with her. The same occured with other girls with whom he had only experienced the palisades of their company. Lifetimes with women he had barely known. And I think sometimes that is what I wish for.
I wish I could be with all of them. Every girl I dated, smiled at, fought for the courage to talk to--I wish I could live life over again and see where they all lead. What they are like in bed, what it would mean for me to say I love them...what it would mean for them to say they love me too. I want to know how long it could last, what our children would look like, what I would feel when they died. I want to know where our story would end.
What cruelty that we have to choose.
Years ago now I read Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse. I related much to it, but found out later that he though none but those in their later or middle age should be able to do so. He is probably right. Even so, it was a scene at the end of the book when he goes to a strange theatre (a bizarre journey thought time, space and his own mind) that I found something quite moving.
He talks of a girl from his youth, black hair and beautiful who he saw once on a bridge. He never talked to her and yet now found himself loving her that sunny afternoon and finding a whole life with her. The same occured with other girls with whom he had only experienced the palisades of their company. Lifetimes with women he had barely known. And I think sometimes that is what I wish for.
I wish I could be with all of them. Every girl I dated, smiled at, fought for the courage to talk to--I wish I could live life over again and see where they all lead. What they are like in bed, what it would mean for me to say I love them...what it would mean for them to say they love me too. I want to know how long it could last, what our children would look like, what I would feel when they died. I want to know where our story would end.
What cruelty that we have to choose.
meli:
It's a nice thought. To know what could have been.