healthyparanoid

tried to save myself
------------------------but myself keeps slipping away


yea....
...........true that

i can't begin to explain the exact situation i find myself in

i've become complacent with the fact that i'm nothing

i live at home
__________i'm okay with it
i work a dead end shit of a job
------------------------------------its all hunky dory
my friends have turned their backs on me
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++no big deal
i sit here - in my room - every night - save once each week - alone

oh - there's an option that for some reason i keep ignoring
maybe because its a stupid silly idea - that i'll eventually fuck up - like everything else
cause more pain than its all worth
but then again - i'm not really ignoring it

i'm working every night
or afternoon
and every other night - i spend doing something i suppose

i mean - last weekend - with my night off
i went downtown for my cousin's birthday
friday i went to see nine inch nails - granted by myself
and this upcoming weekend is all family again
another cousin's wedding

so
i can't call it ignoring
but then again - i'm making no effort
i feel bad
i do
but sometimes things are better left alone
regroup - reassess

life is almost not worth the effort i put in on a daily basis if this is where i'm at

its sad to think about

the little things i used to insert to enjoy the daily grind
are all i have
there's nothing else
rather than being able to take the 30 - 60 minutes a day to relax
i look around and its all i have
those little things

tv
film
xbox
music

that's it
i no longer have friends that'll call to check in
to say - where the fuck are you
what the fuck are you doing
to assume i'm getting together with anyone is ridiculous
stupid
tawdry

i've gone through time periods like this before
it seems to happen every few years
you can sense it coming on
you're old friends get tired of you - start to see through you
see how tiring you are
that its not worth the effort
i'd have to say i'm unfortunately a very forgiving person
so forgiving i'd almost say i'd welcome them back without even a thought contrary
however
most of me thinks that if a friend turns their back on you
that's it
its not like oh - hey - i'm busy as fuck - we'll catch up every so often
no
no more phone calls
no more anything
i could use excuses
but there aren't any
when i call to see what you're up to - or we chat at some point to say - call me when you're done with work
and you hang up on me when i call

i went through this before
i cultivated some great relationships
granted i had to give them up when i moved
but still
i can't hold anything constant if my life depended on it

deconstruction should be my middle name
no wonder everything around me falls apart or breaks
i need warranties on everything because nothing around me lasts
it all dries up, breaks, withers away
its all shit around me

its frustrating when i let things get this bad
through complacency
through - the wait and see method
that my paycheck is the only thing i look forward to - i plan my life around every other friday
how i have to save the next friday
or how i can go out on that one

its frustrating when your life revolves around using your family for friendships
for crutches
for - hey - are you out?
can i come with you?
its like being a younger brother without a friend
its sad
its pathetic

it can get awkward

you can get in the way

i walked twice through the city because i had no other option
i left bars each of the last two times because it was time for me to leave before i made an ass of myself or made things uncomfortable
i know myself
i know if i stay too long
its no good
i come off like a dueche when exposed for too long of a period
.....................................................................................................i think i should just stop talking all together
i wouldn't sound like an asshole all the time then

its tough to balance the demons in my head with the things that go on around me

i'm really not the nicest of people
i'm not really cool
i'm not interesting
there's a reason i'm alone

although - when left to my own devices i do have odd things happen
if i'm surrounded by people - i dunno
i don't get to go on adventures
i'm held back
when i have to go out on my own
i end up with some story
always finding my way back to some diner before heading to where ever my bed may rest

take last week
i took a walk from the bar
why?
it was that time for me
i noticed it was time to bounce - and so i did
whether i really needed to or not
i felt it was time
i can't pick someone up at a bar
especially shit faced
i think it may be due to the fact that i'm intimidated by women
they can smell my fear and less than zero qualities on me
they want to run from my desperation
my sad sap routine
my bad habits
my bad karma
my shitty whining -self-pitying attitude
so at about 1
i felt it was time to leave my cousins - surrounded by friends
and take my leave
it was time
i didn't need to get in anyone's way
bother them
only issue was i had no more cash on me
spent way to fucking much at the bar
and well - i needed to conserve what i had left - especially if i was going to find my way to a diner before heading home
yes - i had to drive - but sobering up over 4 hours makes a difference
so i decided to take the ole heal toe express
i walked
i huffed it
5 miles through downtown chicago
i walked my way to lasalle (block or two from michigan) and an african-american - possibly homeless - probably not - from the chat we had - probably just out walking trying to scrape together a couple bucks to buy a six or dinner - or whatever
but he came up to me
almost out of nowhere
i don't necessarily remember when he walked up to me or how he introduced himself - but all of a sudden i found myself walking next to a tall black man
if you would have been there - you might have thought something amiss
something not so good was about to come
you wouldn't be alone
hell - the police pulled over to make sure i wasn't getting mugged
the pulled a u-ie
stopped along side the road right in front of us - and shouted at us
shouted out -
hey - you alright?
i looked at both officers with a sideways glance
was i alright?
aside from the fact that i was walking down lasalle at 2 in the morning because i didn't feel comfortable around women - or people that i knew for that matter
there because i can't necessarily function as a human being
or that i might even be an alcoholic

but that wasn't the reason they were there

in that case
of course i'm alright - i'm fine
you sure?
absolutely - have a good night - thank you though - i guess
this however was about halfway down the street

after he introduced himself
put his hand out
i mine - and offered my name as well
he asked why i was out there
walking the street
my answer
in my drunken stooper
"women"
-----------you were expecting something else?
he took this and ran
had a story -
my woman kicked me out - thought i was running around
something to that effect
a mile we had
a mile we used
for a mile - we chatted
at the end of a mile - we parted company
wishing luck to each
.................................he did ask for a dollar though
good conversation does deserve a dollar though

the next homeless man i ran into wasn't as friendly
however - he did say thank you
after grunting that his night was not so good
what do you think, man, i'm homeless
i handed him a dollar and wished him a better night

two streets later - another mile and a half later
i was offered something that not many turn down
when the offer was made i had to hear it a second time
-excuse me?
the best blowjob of your life; i'll give you the best blowjob you've ever had
no really
a woman wandering down the street offered me just that

i mean - i'm not necessarily one to turn down sexual favors
especially coming at such a greatly reduced rate as a meal - roughly $5 i think she said
especially if it was the best i'd ever have

my thoughts began to swirl at this statement
how does one get offered this
but also - how does one go about comparing this to many others
what if the goods weren't good
what if it wasn't the best i'd ever have?
however i immediately answered without even thinking - without even a second thought
as soon as she offered and it computed my answer was automatic
my brain didn't have time to think about it or compute it or let it linger
no - it was automatic
no, no thank you - thank you though
i mean - first of all - how do you turn that down?
i chose the polite path
but is that how you're supposed to?
she asked for some change - and of course gave her what i had left after the last two bucks
but i walked on
i spent the next mile thinking about what just happened
the shock was immense
that doesn't happen every day

after 2-3ish hours i found my way to my car
hopped in - drove around the corner to this great diner - nookies too
had a bite
amazing
huevos con chorizo
best place i'd been to since moving back from portland
everything made from scratch
breakfast lunch and dinner
delicious
then i drove home
to bed
to deal with my headache
my slight hangover
my shitty/notshitty night
to bemoan myself
to realize i may have made an ass of myself - yet again at the bar

i forgot that i fell down
i forget things when i'm drunk
i forget its not very pretty when i'm drunk

i tend to push it out of my mind

my cousin called me crazy

i agreed

////////////it was playful though....
i think

i did go to nine inch nails on friday
it was a bit therapeutic
not entirely
i don't know what works anymore

if nin in a massive pit doesn't help - then maybe i should go with someone next time
or meet up with someone after for a drink
or just coffee and talk about it

i don't meet people for coffee anymore

there's no one who likes to
no one asks me to

i just sit here
left to xbox
hd tv
internet porn
and my thoughts

///////////////////////////great