healthyparanoid

what i should have said was nothing

i can't win

every time i try - every time i put effort forth - i get shit in the face
obviously i'm doing something wrong
obviously something is wrong with me

i try to be funny sometimes - and well - i just suck

every time i open my mouth
every time i put forth effort
i say or do something that's absolutely offensive
just pure wrong
pure evil
just nothing worth allowing

this is why i work at starbucks

its hard to fail

its hard to be offensive

turn off your mind
stop thinking
do what you're supposed to
don't allow yourself to think
go on auto pilot
smile fakely
be fake
be hollow
being yourself is forbidden

its hard to say something offensive or fail when you turn off
when you do what is expected
when you do what you're told

its hard to do something wrong
you can't offend with please and thank you's

i hate everyone around me

probably because i hate myself

i'm angry all the time
especially lately

granted its one of the few emotions i cling to
but its also a stage a grief

yea - that's a cop-out
but i thought of it after having two days of hate fueled days of work

i got pissed at a co-worker who fell off a horse
fell off a horse
and i got pissed

i make myself sick
honestly i feel like puking

saying the wrong thing sometimes - it just rings over and over in my head
i really can't get it out

its partially why i don't open my mouth in public

i'm honestly quiet - well - sort of

okay i'm a fucking loud mouth

but i don't say anything

i say antiquated lines that are regurgitated to fit context
things that sound right in the right place
things that don't offend
things that are according to the prescribed book and guidelines

this doesn't get you in trouble
this doesn't piss others off
this doesn't make you sick because you're a complete asshole

two people know how bad some of the things i say can get
but there are others that know i'm cold and soulless

see
this is why i have difficulty getting close to anyone
other than my self-loathing
i'm a horrific person

things i say and think are just wrong

what i write here - is nothing
its just me whining
its really not whats in my head
its not what i really am
its self-portrayal - one that looks good

you really should just run away


i just read the statement i've got posted - "what now" is generally the response
its the words i live by
what did i do now?
what do i do now?

granted its initial message meant something entirely different

but what it comes down to is that i'm simply a fuck-up
i'm a waste
i can't be normal
i can't conform
i can't keep from embarrassing myself
i can only fit in by turning off

it might just be best that i retire from being an individual

my friends hate it

i'm opinionated
i'm an asshole
it honestly only pisses people off

i should stop talking