dear god - watching a porn star accepting an award is painful - almost as painful as the last 4 days.
ok - sorry - it was on showtime and i turned on the tv and it was on -
i feel like a bastard for watching it - plus considering everything.
but still - here i sit watching some half assed dance for the avn.
man, since wednesday - its been an ordeal.
its been a lot.
it just happened/happens so quickly.
one day you get called to the hospital because your grandfather collapsed and the next your sitting shivah.
its kind of unreal.
i want to say that i've dealt with it - but i know i haven't
i've been too calm
too unemotional.
i mean - i always said to myself that if/when it happened - a family member passing - i'd probably be emotionally strangled
i can't deal with things publicly
i can't ask people for help
its not that i don't need or that i do - i just can't deal with people helping me
its uncomfortable
its tough to sit there and say thank you for doing this for me
i just can't get it out of my head that most people have other motives than just to be helpful
call it me being ridiculous - call it me being paranoid
call it what you want
but as much as i bitch and moan - and as much as i think about myself
i don't feel comfortable being the center of attention
or people helping me out
let alone making myself vulnerable for public viewing
it was tough for me to cry around my family
its tough for me to be comforted by my family
i just can't do it
its not in me
its not who i am
i grieve alone
with a bottle of something
and music
alone
no one else
well - no one in person
i can't cry in front of friends
i can't cry in front of people
i can barely function emotionally around people
all i know how to do is get angry around people
its the only emotion i have for public viewing other than humor
so - anger and humor - kinda bi-polar if you ask me
some people look at me like a freak
some tell me its okay to ask for help
its not just that i don't want it or can't ask
its that i can't function with someone helping me with something emotional
its really tough for me to even really put this into words - i keep getting up and leaving which is something i never do when i write
i cannot express myself to the fullest effect in public
part of the reason i have so many problems with women i'd say is due to this fact
there are only two real ways i express myself
one being writing
two being with women
what the hell am i trying to even say here?
i started by trying to explain myself over the last 4 days
i guess i feel guilty for not being wrecked with emotion
for sitting here enjoying my night and not sitting shivah correctly
sitting in one place for seven days
not leaving
not listening to music
not concentrating on anything but what's needed
then again - its not exactly the way my family deals with anything
wednesday was impossible to deal with
my grandmother knew exactly what was going on
you could tell she knew everything was inevitable
but she was refusing herself the ability to let herself know
she kept saying over and over "this isn't happening" "this is a dream"
but there was nothing behind her words
it was just - i'm saying this because i don't want to admit it out loud
but then again - she was wrought with emotion
she couldn't collect herself at all
she was hystirical
my aunt - a very strong person - was reduced to blubbering
she kept telling us she was sorry for not controlling herself
for not being able to "be strong"
my father and my uncle
couldn't their eyes dry
thursday my dad and uncle couldn't make it through the whole process of funeral arrangements without losing patience or worrying what my grandfather would have wanted
honestly it wasn't all that bad considering
it was smooth but not without wrought and its tribulations
we had to get my grandmother zanex
we had to deal with each other
we had to eat
i had to deal with work - which was pretty easy
they had taken care of everything
i didn't know what to say
i asked for help getting shifts covered
they took care of everything
so we drank
friday was yesterday
it wasn't easy
i had to get alcohol for my dad and uncle before we even left at noon
temple, cemetery, back
i basically said what i wrote here before - edited a little - took out the fucks and anything negative i might have articulated
i questioned whether to say it or not
however considering that no one else seemed able to say something that seemed enough - i felt justified in saying something that had weight
who knows if it was enough
everyone was a wreck
no one was good
but then seeing a lot of people show is amazing
seeing a temple practically filled with friends and family and anyone that knew him
its humbling
after burying my grandfather we went back to my uncle's house
we raised a few glasses in his honor
ate
took a deep breath
raised another few glasses
celebrated him
reminisced with those we don't get to see often
ate
drank
went home
today i woke up not remembering what day it was
i couldn't for sure tell you if it was a weekday or weekend
luckily it was a weekend
i ran a no turn on red during hours that were posted - provided it wasn't a weekend
luckily it was
i was groggy
running on practically no sleep
- i haven't been sleeping much
we all met for breakfast this morning
at which time my work sent me a text telling me they'd like to donate coffee and pastries for one of the nights we were sitting and which would be best
turns out tonight was best according to my family
they didn't just give coffee
they gave gallons of it
with homemade pastries - not leftovers
and everything you could possibly ask for from a place selling coffee
all as a donation
without asking for it
they told me "anything you want" "anything you need"
tonight was a gathering
it was a little more therapeutic
it was a lot of food
a lot of friends and family
a few drinks
three chicago games - two playoff - all wins
i'm not religious
but there's something to be said about that
my grandfather - a huge fan
we celebrating him today
and we get 3 amazing games - all wins
maybe not a sign - but fortunate
maybe i said enough
maybe we did/do/are honor(ing) him
============================================
this isn't easy.
it isn't fun.
its tough to find the right thing to say let alone get through it all.
its obviously not something you can plan for; you can't wake up one morning and go, "hang on - let me check my schedule... yes, wednesday seems like a great day to deal with this."
life doesn't work that way; life doesn't ask for your permission
never does it enter your mind that you will finish your day saying your last goodbyes.
its a lot.
it breaks everyone down
but it brings everyone together
last night - sitting around listening to stories coming from every direction - three from each person - about his achievements - his follies - his tribulations - his absurdities - his manurisms
i realized its impossible to stay completely sullen - no matter how sad it is - there's just something about poppy that brings out the best in everyone - he just finds a way to bring out the humor.
he just brings a smile to your face.
thing is - i could tell you about how he was nothing more than a common thief - taking in free meals at the watertower every thursday - how he lived everyone's dream of being the underdog and winning against all odds - or how he had nothing but a smile and a kind word for anyone
well... anyone except for the lady with exactly 11 items that pulled out her checkbook taking a half hour in the line clearly marked, "10 items or less"
but see - we all know these things. we've all heard this amazing stories before
these are the stories we're going to keep telling over and over until our sides hurt from laughter later on.
i could talk until i'm blue in the face about poppy's escapades
sadly - they'd be nothing new.
the story i do have to tell is about a man.
a man who made it 81 years.
81 years on love from family and friends
81 years of stories we all have to tell for the rest of our lives
about a man who left shoes i only hope i could fill
if you ask anyone
if you ask me
that's a life well lived
that's a success
to leave behind a legacy of stories, love, and family
to leave with all the love in the world that matters around you
that's more than anyone can hope for.
poppy.
you were
and are
loved
and to all here:
may the best day of your past
be the worst day of your future
No I haven't taken the test yet, I fly to Iowa next week and then drive to Illinois shortly there after for a couple of days and then back to IA for a little while. I don't come back to Cali till the middle of May for a review class, then take the test.