healthyparanoid

what else could i be?
all apologies.


the shame of it all is that i don't know if there was ever a choice i would/could make differently.
everything has sort of led me to here.

alone.

drinking myself to sleep.

the only enjoyment i get is looking into the fakely glinting eyes of the pornstars i find comforting.
the only connection i seem to make these days.

i know people well.
i can relate to people well - offer advice.
but when i myself step into a role that advises myself - well - fuck it.

i pretend that i know what i'm doing - but i don't.

i tell myself to swallow my pride.
i tell myself a lot.

...where to begin...

i hate my job.

doesn't everyone?

well - yea - but how about working a thankless job at starbucks with a college degree?
for a year.
and because of it am losing any and all friends i have left.
how you ask?
well - when your friends who didn't finish school both have jobs that are above yours - managers - they are no longer able to see you anymore.
because you are not management.
even though they got you the job and work at different locations.

no.

if i'm "caught" with them - they are fired.

so instead of making a stand - they've cut off pretty much all ties.

so - here i am stuck in a job i hate.
trying to find a better one.
waiting.
but in the meantime with no one to have a fucking beer with.

any and all friends long ago turned their back on me or i moved from portland.

this seems to be a reoccurring thing.
these wouldn't be the first who basically left me for dead.

i thought there for a while i had two brothers basically who would run through a brick wall for me.

apparently not.

its tough.

especially when no one of the female gender even wants to look at you anymore.
you reek of desperation.
of despair.
of sin.
of depression.
of me.

and its unattractive.

i hate myself.
how is someone else supposed to find good qualities in me if i can't see anything worthy in myself?

i want to drink until it no longer hurts.

i want to know that there's something good at the end of all this bullshit.

but that's something i'd hoped for for a long time now.
the last 4 years i've said it'll get better.
i've always thought next year will be better.

eventually it'll get better.
but it just doesn't.

depression takes over.

not just because i let it - but because there's no other recourse.
if i can't see that there's something to it all - how else am i supposed to think?

if everything is shit and breaks down - then what the fuck am i supposed to hope for?
how is it that i'm supposed to just grin and smile and pretend until it gets there?

i sit here - on a friday night - a phone filled with spam and tweets from people more important than myself without anyone wanting to be around me. and beer.
its not enough.

yes - i have a lot to be thankful for.
but if i'm living at home.
working a job that makes me want to go postal.
without anyone anymore.
what do i do?

why do i want to get up in the morning other than the bills i have to pay.
bills for the diploma that's done nothing for me.
bills for the car i think's going to get taken away from me any moment.
credit cards that buy me more alcohol.
aids that help me sleep longer and longer.

i work and i sleep.
because there's nothing else.

i don't want to go out and go sit and a bar and pretend that i want to be there.

i need someone to say its going to be okay.
i tell that to a lot of people - but its not often people care enough to say it.
in fact i don't know that i have those people outside of my family.
and sometimes that's just not nearly enough.

i need someone to care about me because i'm me - not because i'm their kin or blood.

i need someone in a manner that is there.
i know its a lot to ask and its not going to happen - but this solitary thing is not something i can take.
i like privacy.
i like alone time.
but i can't stick to being alone for good.
i can't stand looking at the same four walls with nothing new to show for it.
i'd rather be in jail - at least every day is a step closer to something.


what is it that i'm accomplishing today?
tomorrow?
a week from today?
a month?
i make money for someone else and pretend to be human and whole and happy but really i'm going nowhere.
i sit here and do shit with my life and pretend that i'm getting somewhere on this hamster wheel.

i want more.
but i can't get there.

depression is difficult.
it hurts a lot.

...i'll be honest. mainly because no one's listening.
mostly.
no one hears - but suicide has been a big thought lately.
i mean.
i know.
i know.
i fucking know.
its not something i could do.
but its been more of a thought than i'd want it to be.
its too prevalent for my own good.

and that haunts me a little.
that took a lot to say.

i want therapy.
i want a lot of help.
but its empty if there's nothing to hope for.

i do like to dwell on my despair - if i'm happy i think something's wrong.
i mean - part of the problem of me lately is that something good happened.
i got a new car.
i don't know how to handle that.
because i know shits coming.

i'm expecting them to take it away.
i'm losing my friends by the second. they don't care about me.
my job just gets worse and worse.
i had to work overtime without extra pay yesterday and today ended up with chemical in my eye - which burns still like a motherfucker.
visine doesn't help like you would hope.
i'm expecting to wake up blind.
at least that would be something that would get me out of my job.

i want to cry.
i want to break everything i see.
i want to beat the shit out of myself and/or someone/thing else.
i want to feel something other than this.

i want to feel happy.
actual elation.
actual giddyness.
without dread.
without brooding.
without the melancholy.
without bullshit.

its been a long time since i've been happy.

i don't want to stop writing because if i do - i'm worried i'm start to realize how alone i really am at this moment.
even though we are still connected to millions upon billions of people in the world through this thing called the internet - none of them really seem to know me. or want to know me.
or want to bother.

see - my problem is that i want to help everyone i see or meet.
help in every way i can.
because i simply can't help myself.
i can't stop myself from being in pain all the time.

maybe sleep will bring some comfort.
maybe