Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. Yay! I'm thinking of going out and getting my wife a telescope as she has shown some interested in doing amateur astronomy, even though I know she will complain about the money I spent even though I will spend less than $100. I keep thinking I should get her something more practical, as she seldom uses anything I buy her that is meant to be used purely in a recreational manner.
I love my wife. I really do. The last thing I would want to do is make her unhappy. Yet, I am unhappy.
I don't know why I am unhappy. But I have ideas.
Could it be the lack of sexual contact for the past couple of years? Not really. I knew she was much less sexual than I when we first started dating even though she has been my first and only sexual partner. In past discussions she seems to have no fantasies nor is she wiling to experiment with new positions. I don't want to make her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Someone once suggested I have an affair, but I won't. For three reasons: 1. I love my wife and wouldn't want to do anything to upset her. 2. I could not offer anything to another sexual partner as I will most likely end up leaving them disappointed and unsatisfied due to my lack of experience. 3. I doubt anyone would have me, anyway.
Maybe it's her complete refusal to learn anything about or even participate in my hobbies or what I'd like to do for fun? Not really. I've tried to learn how to crochet or knit so I could join in with her when is doing that, and I found I don't have the patience for it. Also, I don't find reading mystery novels as entertaining as the genre's I like to read. But I do learn the terminology for knitting and learn which authors she likes so I can hold conversations with her about them when she talks about them, even though she refuses to join me in playing any video games or learn anything about photography or filmmaking or discuss what she liked or didn't like about movies we see. But again, I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't want to do.
There are more reasons that I may feel the way I do. It's her possible emotional disconnect that seems to make it difficult for her to befriend anyone or even understand what it is I need or want. It could be due to the fact that she wants to spend time together, but we don't do anything when we do. All minor issues. As are other, more specific things that come to mind.
Sadly, I do not believe she feels there is anything wrong with our relationship, and I have no idea how to start talking to her about it. When we do discuss things and she feels that things may be her fault, she becomes withdrawn and distant and crawls up further into the shell she has around herself.
But, in the long run, I keep thinking I may have settled for who I married rather than waiting for 'the one'. I thought as time would pass, our relationship would get more passionate, more fulfilling, more happy, but I find I am getting more depressed, unmotivated and feeling more empty as the days go by.
I find two options lie ahead. I stick to the marriage and see if it can be made better or becomes better, though I doubt it as her past has shown, she is unwilling to change. Or I can end the marriage and hope for something better to come along, even though I see myself ending up alone for the rest of my days with this option. So, in a nutshell, my options are 1. miserable with someone or 2. miserable and alone.
I do apologize for writing such a long, sad, pathetic journal. But I'm not certain what I should (need to) do.
I love my wife. I really do. The last thing I would want to do is make her unhappy. Yet, I am unhappy.
I don't know why I am unhappy. But I have ideas.
Could it be the lack of sexual contact for the past couple of years? Not really. I knew she was much less sexual than I when we first started dating even though she has been my first and only sexual partner. In past discussions she seems to have no fantasies nor is she wiling to experiment with new positions. I don't want to make her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Someone once suggested I have an affair, but I won't. For three reasons: 1. I love my wife and wouldn't want to do anything to upset her. 2. I could not offer anything to another sexual partner as I will most likely end up leaving them disappointed and unsatisfied due to my lack of experience. 3. I doubt anyone would have me, anyway.
Maybe it's her complete refusal to learn anything about or even participate in my hobbies or what I'd like to do for fun? Not really. I've tried to learn how to crochet or knit so I could join in with her when is doing that, and I found I don't have the patience for it. Also, I don't find reading mystery novels as entertaining as the genre's I like to read. But I do learn the terminology for knitting and learn which authors she likes so I can hold conversations with her about them when she talks about them, even though she refuses to join me in playing any video games or learn anything about photography or filmmaking or discuss what she liked or didn't like about movies we see. But again, I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't want to do.
There are more reasons that I may feel the way I do. It's her possible emotional disconnect that seems to make it difficult for her to befriend anyone or even understand what it is I need or want. It could be due to the fact that she wants to spend time together, but we don't do anything when we do. All minor issues. As are other, more specific things that come to mind.
Sadly, I do not believe she feels there is anything wrong with our relationship, and I have no idea how to start talking to her about it. When we do discuss things and she feels that things may be her fault, she becomes withdrawn and distant and crawls up further into the shell she has around herself.
But, in the long run, I keep thinking I may have settled for who I married rather than waiting for 'the one'. I thought as time would pass, our relationship would get more passionate, more fulfilling, more happy, but I find I am getting more depressed, unmotivated and feeling more empty as the days go by.
I find two options lie ahead. I stick to the marriage and see if it can be made better or becomes better, though I doubt it as her past has shown, she is unwilling to change. Or I can end the marriage and hope for something better to come along, even though I see myself ending up alone for the rest of my days with this option. So, in a nutshell, my options are 1. miserable with someone or 2. miserable and alone.
I do apologize for writing such a long, sad, pathetic journal. But I'm not certain what I should (need to) do.
I think you should seriously consider ending the relationship. You shouldn't stay simply because you are afraid of ending up alone and miserable. The more important thing here is that you shouldn't be with someone and be miserable. What's the point in that?
To me a relationship is about doing things you both enjoy. Learning about what the other one likes and sharing in their interests. Plus I learned from my first marriage that sexual compatibility is extremely important. You should be with someone that shares your passions in all aspects of life. Any thing less than that is simply settling. And no one should ever do that. Life's to truly to short. Go out and find yourself someone that shares your passions!