The Most amazing and probably worst possible thing has happened to me.
of course you know then that this must be about nikki.
FEAR NOT though. we are still friends..... as much as we were before anyhow. we went to celebrate a friend of our's leaving the store moving on to bigger and better things type party.... it was nice. I made her a new apron. I hand painted my name on mine and she liked it and asked me to do hers like that. so I did. no big deal (I need more white acryllic paint though) anyhow yes she was greatful nikki was getting well intoxicated/buzzed... infact... everyone was. finally towards the end of the night... me and nikki 3 games in a row, she won 2 out of 3 but I won the last one... the DEAL at the 2nd one was the winner would get whatever he/she wanted from the loser. Nikki wanted to know what I wanted for winning as her "prize" and she won so I told her... I want to take her out on a date, a real nice date... one that she won't flake on.
she said okay... "one more game" so we played and played and in the end I caught up.... she asked for the same thing "what do you REALLY want from me greg" well I won so I had to tell her anyways. I told her I want to go out... like seriously. I don't think she grasped what I said.... she told me then that she thinks it was about that time.... (not noticing yet) I know she thought I'd ask her for a blowjob or sex or something fucking innappropriate and wrong. and it wasn't on my mind but I did mention that it's not like it has never crossed my mind.
anyhow we leave I go outside she says bye to everyone. I put my stick away and jacket.
she meanders out and tells me how this co worker guy just tried to make out with her and yea, nasty. anyhow I tell her what I REALLY want... I tell her I want to know WHY I am so interested in her, why am I so attracted to her.... (obviously something she cannot answer) and something I have to figure out. we waited a bit some silence her nostrils flared I said it was cute... and she told me what I'm about to do I don't want to have any 2nd thoughts about and it's just in the moment and such... and she moved in and kissed me... we made out really. a very sloppy and drunk kiss + cigarettes on her breath. but a soft kiss... her lips were softer than I imagined they might be.... holding her close was so good... even though the kiss was not extremely magical.
it ended I told her I wanted to make sure she got home safe... got in my car... waited.. she didn't get in hers... she stood staring at a friend of hers... waiting for them to leave
I got back out.... went next to her and made some small talk... they left he threatened me...... he thinks he's her brother... (you all know I could never take advantage of her state... although now that I think about it ... I know I wouldn't be complaining right now if I had just said screw it and gone with it.
I popped a new piece of gum ... and well it happened again... she told me this stays here... or well not stays here but basically that it dosen't mean anything. because when she's drunk she gets REALLY horny. (oh god) she grabs me pulls me in and we make out... the softest sweetest lips I've ever felt.... some biting here and there pulling my hair... god I didn't want it to end niether did she.... I still wish we were back there I wish I was telling her that I love her. we must have kissed for a good 2 minutes that second time... holding eachother close she pulled on my shirt... I pulled her in close her hands to my jaw.... oh god how could she know I would love that so much?
I want to kiss her more... I want to cuddle up with her kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her.
but all this wonderful things... didn't happen. it just didn't... I mean who can I talk to about it? no one. there isn't even really anyone that I want to tell about it. and then even if I did... it stays there.
and I'm left hoping beyond hope that she dosen't forget that I do want that date still.
I hope that was not our last kiss.... pray for me.
times may be VERY trying the next few days.... and I will probably become very stressed out from lack of expressing myself clearly to her. I won't even see her till probably tuesday....
part of me wishes she could read what I have writen... part of me wants her to somehow understand that I'm not a bad guy... even though I can play the part... I would only treat her right. oh yes she sucked my neck too... mmmm...
sweet dreams tonight. sweet dreams of kisses and love that never existed.
(for those of you that feel you have to analyze this and tell me she's playing games... I know. you don't need to tell me, I KNOW. and anyone that actually read this whole huge thing, thanks again)
of course you know then that this must be about nikki.
FEAR NOT though. we are still friends..... as much as we were before anyhow. we went to celebrate a friend of our's leaving the store moving on to bigger and better things type party.... it was nice. I made her a new apron. I hand painted my name on mine and she liked it and asked me to do hers like that. so I did. no big deal (I need more white acryllic paint though) anyhow yes she was greatful nikki was getting well intoxicated/buzzed... infact... everyone was. finally towards the end of the night... me and nikki 3 games in a row, she won 2 out of 3 but I won the last one... the DEAL at the 2nd one was the winner would get whatever he/she wanted from the loser. Nikki wanted to know what I wanted for winning as her "prize" and she won so I told her... I want to take her out on a date, a real nice date... one that she won't flake on.
she said okay... "one more game" so we played and played and in the end I caught up.... she asked for the same thing "what do you REALLY want from me greg" well I won so I had to tell her anyways. I told her I want to go out... like seriously. I don't think she grasped what I said.... she told me then that she thinks it was about that time.... (not noticing yet) I know she thought I'd ask her for a blowjob or sex or something fucking innappropriate and wrong. and it wasn't on my mind but I did mention that it's not like it has never crossed my mind.
anyhow we leave I go outside she says bye to everyone. I put my stick away and jacket.
she meanders out and tells me how this co worker guy just tried to make out with her and yea, nasty. anyhow I tell her what I REALLY want... I tell her I want to know WHY I am so interested in her, why am I so attracted to her.... (obviously something she cannot answer) and something I have to figure out. we waited a bit some silence her nostrils flared I said it was cute... and she told me what I'm about to do I don't want to have any 2nd thoughts about and it's just in the moment and such... and she moved in and kissed me... we made out really. a very sloppy and drunk kiss + cigarettes on her breath. but a soft kiss... her lips were softer than I imagined they might be.... holding her close was so good... even though the kiss was not extremely magical.
it ended I told her I wanted to make sure she got home safe... got in my car... waited.. she didn't get in hers... she stood staring at a friend of hers... waiting for them to leave
I got back out.... went next to her and made some small talk... they left he threatened me...... he thinks he's her brother... (you all know I could never take advantage of her state... although now that I think about it ... I know I wouldn't be complaining right now if I had just said screw it and gone with it.
I popped a new piece of gum ... and well it happened again... she told me this stays here... or well not stays here but basically that it dosen't mean anything. because when she's drunk she gets REALLY horny. (oh god) she grabs me pulls me in and we make out... the softest sweetest lips I've ever felt.... some biting here and there pulling my hair... god I didn't want it to end niether did she.... I still wish we were back there I wish I was telling her that I love her. we must have kissed for a good 2 minutes that second time... holding eachother close she pulled on my shirt... I pulled her in close her hands to my jaw.... oh god how could she know I would love that so much?
I want to kiss her more... I want to cuddle up with her kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her.
but all this wonderful things... didn't happen. it just didn't... I mean who can I talk to about it? no one. there isn't even really anyone that I want to tell about it. and then even if I did... it stays there.
and I'm left hoping beyond hope that she dosen't forget that I do want that date still.
I hope that was not our last kiss.... pray for me.
times may be VERY trying the next few days.... and I will probably become very stressed out from lack of expressing myself clearly to her. I won't even see her till probably tuesday....
part of me wishes she could read what I have writen... part of me wants her to somehow understand that I'm not a bad guy... even though I can play the part... I would only treat her right. oh yes she sucked my neck too... mmmm...
sweet dreams tonight. sweet dreams of kisses and love that never existed.
(for those of you that feel you have to analyze this and tell me she's playing games... I know. you don't need to tell me, I KNOW. and anyone that actually read this whole huge thing, thanks again)
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
tiamat:
sadly, i kind of understand where nikki is coming from. i do the same things 'cause i am not to sure what i want. this is the best and worst part. the anxiousness of not knowing. i live for that but being in a wonderful relationship beats it out.
emily:
ok i just read ALL of your journal,and not half of it.