hazie

warning you now this is a long one:
I do not get nikki. at all. our relationship is fixed. things are better. I don't know why I like her soo much. can you tell me why? I got to hang out at this local bar (however I don't think I'll be let back till march..) anyhow it's nikki's favorite place to play pool for some reason. 50 cent tables and all that jaz... 2 of them it's a tiny ass stank hole bean bar. I think it's pretty lame but some of the people that hang out there are really cool like this older guy... he's just wicked cool. and a genious when it comes to pool.

anyhow this journal entry is about nikki. and me. I was VERY leary to go... cause well I didn't wanna show up and just be alone I don't like going places alone at all. but grr arg nikki said she'd be there. and yea
so I called up richard (carlos' brother) he was planning on going ... yea so we all met up there eventually nikki she's such an ideal girl for me. not TOTALLY perfect, but everything I want in a girl+. she was stroking my hair all night. I took a shower earlier and decided against putting gel in it as opposed to usual... she ran her fingers through my hair pulled on it playfully. it felt so good. having her so close I wanted to kiss her I wanted to put my arms around her like lovers do. but I don't want to end this most desirable frienship that I'm trying to rebuild. there was another guy there who apparently just won a pool competition anyhow we of course put our money on that table.... that guy was picking on nikki for being a girl (something she never takes lightly) I put my money down after nikki so I could play her... cause well I love playing against her... she tries to mess with my head but she's already in it so it dosen't do her any good... I have such strong feelings for her... I just don't know what she wants... I know I want to be with her, I know I want her to love me but I can make none of those things happen. anyhow she lost to that guy... then it was my turn... I just barely lost ... however I felt like the guy was TOYING with me the WHOLE game which REALLY pissed me off... how am I supposed to get better if the guy is just going to dick around until I'm about to win then clean it up that's fucking lame. anyhow it came down to his last shot and she's like "you're not gonna let him win are you?" and I'm like well what do I get if he does.... "she's all no no you mean what do you get if YOU do." (at this point he basically had already taken his shot and won though.) she was getting up on me... playing with my hair ... I wanted to kiss her... tell her "I love you nikki, you are the best girl I have ever met"

didn't come down to it though. later on I asked her what would I have gotten if I did win.... she said hmm and I said lemme guess : "your respect" she laughed and pulled me in close... and said in my ear "my respect and love" then she said just kidding and kissed my cheek.

everynight with her I just don't get it... how many girls kiss their friends... specifically guy friends? I don't know what to do. I want to kiss her back, more than I ever have anyone else.... but I do not want to violate her space or upset her. there was some other guy hitting on her all night ... clinging to her hanging on her it was really pissing me off... I mean the guy could clearly see her and I being close and semi-intimate and he still was making moves... I went to my car and he went over and talked to her as she got into hers. I looked over and saw her door close and her not in the car... I stopped and waited... I would kill that guy before I let him try and pull something with her... I waited a few minutes ... and decided that I know she's a strong girl and can no doubt handle herself. I pulled out and back and she waved bye to me. (oh yea good long tight hug when we parted) I eyed that guy.... grrr

man if I was with nikki that would not be happening I'd have laid that guy SO FAST... as soon as I saw him grabbing at her butt.

oh yea... she was um convinently rubbing her crotch on my knees when I was sitting down.. not rubbing really ... just backing into them ... and then staying there. I gave her a shoulder massage and scratched her back. I wanted to kiss her neck.. tell her how BEAUTIFUL I think she is grr arg.

how can you tell someone you care about ...that already knows you care... that you care more and more everyday... I'm falling more and more... harder and harder for her day by day. our time apart kills me slowly.


I hope she got home okay. I always worry about this.

because I care, because I really do love her. the other guys in that bar don't go home and wonder that... the don't care. I want to reach out and touch her face... look DEEP into her magnificent eyes, and tell her how I love her... how much. I wish I could tell her all the things I think.

thanks for taking your time to show concern in my pathetic "love life".