Re-thinking Online Relationships
I used to believe wholeheartedly that online relationships relationships of all varieties including platonic were not only feasible but wonderful. I used to believe that one could get to know a person on a deeper level through online chats and emails; sometimes things are easier said when were staring at a computer screen and not fearing the judgement in the eyes of the other.
But its taken the irrevocable loss of someone I used to write a lot about here to make me realize that nothing is easy online except lying and faking it. In person there are tells a lack of eye contact, the direction a person looks when they answer you, fidgeting, etc. Online? The right sort of confident person could have you believing theyre an alien given enough time. There are two inevitable circumstances that occur when were in the midst of a happy online relationship:
~We see/hear/read nuances and meanings as we want them to be rather than the reality
~We project meanings and truths and facts as we want them to be rather than the reality
Its taken time, time away and a lot of anger and hurt for me to finally look back on old conversations I had with him and finally see the absolute unvarnished truths: I was creating a sort of alternate reality to suit what I wanted. And in many ways, so did he. So many times he would feign innocence and ignorance, claiming to not know how I felt led on and lied to. And the more I learn about him in the real world the more I lose the veil that was once clouding my vision. And no, in fact, hes nothing like my father (a comparison I hold in high esteem as I thought, and still think, that the sun rose and set with my late father) and hes often times little else other than bluster and pomp, smoke and mirrors. I will give him credit where it is due; he was great at selling an idea and himself, he was great at spinning realities into something a little more golden. Is it possible that a lot more truth existed than Im giving credit for? Is it possible that he really did change too much in the last year and that it has nothing to do with me or what there was 3 years ago? I dont know because even thinking that its possible feels like making excuses and glossy edges.
So now Im skeptical, Im jaded and Im yes.still angry. Im unable to connect with anyone online the way I once could. I now presume that half of what they all say is a version of the truth (at best) or a complete fabrication.
And Im trying my best to hate him as often as possible because its easier to manage and swallow than the hurt, abandonment and stupidity I feel otherwise. I feel loss, but really was there anything even there to lose? I mourn that I have no best friend but really was he even worthy of the simple friend title, let alone best? I have completely cut ties with anything BDSM because for me it all winds up back to him and I cant seem to have or want one without the other. And so I just..exist. Stagnant. Unable to write, unable to trust. And the irony is that I looked forward to this day, where I lived close enough to him to have an in-person relationship and it ended up ruining everything. Or so it seems.
A POEM:
I was true as the sky is blue
I couldnt soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
Im mesmerized by the picture thats in my mind
Tell me when Ill finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I dont want to keep on believing in illusions
Ive seen your act
And I know all the facts
Im still in love with who I wish you were
It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
Im still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here
~ Kate Voegele Wish You Were Here
I used to believe wholeheartedly that online relationships relationships of all varieties including platonic were not only feasible but wonderful. I used to believe that one could get to know a person on a deeper level through online chats and emails; sometimes things are easier said when were staring at a computer screen and not fearing the judgement in the eyes of the other.
But its taken the irrevocable loss of someone I used to write a lot about here to make me realize that nothing is easy online except lying and faking it. In person there are tells a lack of eye contact, the direction a person looks when they answer you, fidgeting, etc. Online? The right sort of confident person could have you believing theyre an alien given enough time. There are two inevitable circumstances that occur when were in the midst of a happy online relationship:
~We see/hear/read nuances and meanings as we want them to be rather than the reality
~We project meanings and truths and facts as we want them to be rather than the reality
Its taken time, time away and a lot of anger and hurt for me to finally look back on old conversations I had with him and finally see the absolute unvarnished truths: I was creating a sort of alternate reality to suit what I wanted. And in many ways, so did he. So many times he would feign innocence and ignorance, claiming to not know how I felt led on and lied to. And the more I learn about him in the real world the more I lose the veil that was once clouding my vision. And no, in fact, hes nothing like my father (a comparison I hold in high esteem as I thought, and still think, that the sun rose and set with my late father) and hes often times little else other than bluster and pomp, smoke and mirrors. I will give him credit where it is due; he was great at selling an idea and himself, he was great at spinning realities into something a little more golden. Is it possible that a lot more truth existed than Im giving credit for? Is it possible that he really did change too much in the last year and that it has nothing to do with me or what there was 3 years ago? I dont know because even thinking that its possible feels like making excuses and glossy edges.
So now Im skeptical, Im jaded and Im yes.still angry. Im unable to connect with anyone online the way I once could. I now presume that half of what they all say is a version of the truth (at best) or a complete fabrication.
And Im trying my best to hate him as often as possible because its easier to manage and swallow than the hurt, abandonment and stupidity I feel otherwise. I feel loss, but really was there anything even there to lose? I mourn that I have no best friend but really was he even worthy of the simple friend title, let alone best? I have completely cut ties with anything BDSM because for me it all winds up back to him and I cant seem to have or want one without the other. And so I just..exist. Stagnant. Unable to write, unable to trust. And the irony is that I looked forward to this day, where I lived close enough to him to have an in-person relationship and it ended up ruining everything. Or so it seems.
A POEM:
I was true as the sky is blue
I couldnt soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
Im mesmerized by the picture thats in my mind
Tell me when Ill finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
Cause I dont want to keep on believing in illusions
Ive seen your act
And I know all the facts
Im still in love with who I wish you were
It aint hard to see
Who you are underneath
Im still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here
~ Kate Voegele Wish You Were Here
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
nakrom:
i agree with you there. i used to believe in online relationships too, but true real life friendship or relationship is better. its because of liars and fake people out there that make it harder for people like me to become good friends with someone they met online and want to take it to the next step of becoming real life friends.
wheredango2:
online we can create who we want to be. but so can everyone else. i'v made the comparison of the ternet being our means of, in a sense, playing god. we use it to create a new reality, forged in our own image. nothing on the internet is real, not even people anymore. they have become their avatar.